A Series of Unfortunate Events

Klaus just isn't himself after seeing Dr. Orwell, an optometrist with oddly optimistic patients. Meanwhile, Violet works to clear her parents' names.

Like many newspapers, the Daily Punctilio is printed in black and white,

at the Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and I can assure you...

I would have to do something impolite to them,

- What proposal? - It doesn't concern you, Charles.

Yes, sir.

You're doing great, Klaus!

Get out of the way!

The Encyclopedia Hypnotica tells of a woman who,

I'm okay!

But, uh, we're fortunate that, uh, the damage wasn't worse.

This mistake has cost me an inordinate amount of money.

Oops! I dropped a pen on the floor. Would you mind helping me look for it?

has left me unable to purchase even the runtiest of orphans.

I mean, don't you want to see those children in a loving home?

- We have to leave. - And we will.

Do I look like your receptionist?

would you like to do your impersonation of a chicken?

- You drank all of my wine. - You poisoned my coffee.

We don't know why there were so many things they never told us.

And Klaus isn't responsible for that accident.

I'm surprised they can show their faces after what they did to Phil.

And this will be the worst accident the lumbermill has ever seen.

Poor little orphan.

Where did the girl go?

because the word "fire"

Thank you, thank you!

Inordinate! Klaus, inordinate!

And, "We're going to kick you out and have your license revoked,

We never solved the mystery of this photograph.

"for putting out the fire and helping the survivors get back on their feet."

Oh, no, children, you're going to boarding school.

The children arrive at the Lucky Smells Lumber Mill and unearth some unsettling accusations about their parents. Count Olaf courts an old flame.

It is for that reason that "out of the woods" has come to mean

The only thing standing between us and all our parents' secrets...

Those aren't mutually exclusive.

Right, because we're schoolchildren.

I found them wandering unsupervised, poor dears.

Of course I do.

They burned down the town!

maybe 2.5 miles outside of Paltryville,

Don't look at me. Look at Cesar.

My parents were Olympic athletes and look at me.

Still, while they pored over the dense contents of their welcome packets

He's brokenhearted, and he wants very much to forget the whole thing.

I took a solemn oath that my office would be closed to you forever,

I believe everyone has a good side.

Lady, we're not paid in wages.

According to the map, the mill library should be just behind...

You'll have to excuse Sir. He recently cut down on the smoking.

What if he's Count Olaf and being a foreman's his new disguise?

Let's run away to Europe and find a charming little country to take over.

Whenever Klaus reads a long, difficult book,

by many of my associates over the years. It goes...

Not anymore.

Wave goodbye to your friend.

You're a smart boy. Do you know what bedside manner means?

An E or an A?

That's not a window.

I promised our parents I'd always look out for Klaus.

We've been to Peru and back to get home to our children.

or a loving parent that you thought you'd never see again.

Klaus and Violet look for clues in a suspicious note that passes custody to Captain Sham, a seafaring scam artist with clear ties to Count Olaf.

That's another error. She didn't say she found her life unbearable, with a U.

He murdered Aunt Josephine and forged a note.

and how it matches "think of me kindly, even though I'd done this terrible thing."

We're not going to brunch with that villain.

that someone was there, desperately trying to help them.

Josephine was my, uh...

Didn't you hear?

- With both hands. - you better do exactly what we say.

- What? - A gift from someone in the kitchen.

I've done the best I can to find a suitable home for you,

that would force them to leave the restaurant.

I brought the bill. Take your time.

The strange message they had received seemed to indicate

Violet has a hive on her face the size of a hard-boiled egg.

on a pair of diamond cufflinks?

It's gonna take more than a hurricane to keep us from our children.

- R-D... - L-E-D.

During the off-season, Lake Lachrymose has very few visitors,

Do not take a sailboat that does not belong to you.

Your boat might be tossed into the Wicked Whirlpool...

- Klaus really did it. - But Violet knew how to work the sailboat.

Come on.

it is not grammatically correct to say "leave us all alone by ourselves."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

will be real estate agents.

Lucky Smells Lumbermill. Ah, it's not far from here.

Your mother had just wrestled one of our enemies to the ground,

If we were in the water, we might have reason to fear,

Nobody's gonna throw you overboard.

Well, there's friction, but that requires technique, patience and dry conditions.

Oh, no!

You were going to betray me?

because that would be incorrect.

you might say "truth, schmuth" or "justice, schmustice."

I truly think that the Baudelaires can be

It's incredible!

The orphans arrive at the aptly named Lake Lachrymose to meet their widowed Aunt Josephine, a strict grammarian who's haunted by the past.

Perhaps she's planning a surprise party for you children.

When the weather's nice, this town is as crowded as can be.

the villainy and troubles in our own lives.

- Land ho! - I told you to stop calling me that.

Does someone here have a faulty pacemaker?

Sunny doesn't speak fluently yet. Just baby talk, mostly.

Yeah, that's right.

They each have six rows of very sharp teeth

- We're sorry we asked about him. - We didn't mean to upset you.

"What did grammar have to do with developing secret codes?"

- Is that when you... - I don't talk about that.

I like to think of happier things.

I'm sure you know there are two kinds of fears:

Thanks to a helpful real estate agent, this restaurant is under new management.

- Isn't she adorable? - She looks a little like Madame Curie.

In case any burglars come in, they trip over the cans and wake us up.

She wanted to get us gifts, even though she didn't know what we liked.

Eleven for "K."

I found two very interesting things at the town market and petting zoo.

I know you miss Ike very much.

So, can I leave you children alone a few more hours?

Just make small talk while I get my sweater.

Just as I was working up the courage to go put on my cardigan.

comes from the toughest rinds.

Yeah, I've been fitted with a wooden prosthetic.

- You, other stranger? - No.

I have been lonely, too. And I disconnected the doorbell.

"Captain Sham's Sailboats. Every boat has it's own sail."

I can't! I never said I could. Uh...

Well, you're just a heap of facts, aren't you, Klaus?

Our romantic ride in the back of a taxi awaits.

Maybe he's gonna marry her, like he tried to do with me.

Remember what Mother said? "Do the scary thing first... "

See what I did?

provided the weather holds, the plane flies,

Klaus and Violet suspect Count Olaf and his evil cohorts when a lifeless body turns up in the reptile room. Sunny sees the inside of a suitcase.

Well, then I guess I'll have to take my own luggage.

[engine starts]

Hello, my name is Stephano.

He's in disguise and he's trying to take us away.

[sighs]

[mouthing indistinctly]

Reptiles aren't contagious. Are you sure you're a qualified nurse?

while Stephano goes with Nurse Lucafont to examine the body?

Oh, don't be silly, children.

- How terribly tragic. Case closed. - But Uncle Monty is...

And the incredibly deadly viper wouldn't hurt anyone and we can prove it.

[Violet] It's the screeching iguana clock.

Nurse Lucafont informed me that this entire place is under lockdown.

And those two women were in Count Olaf's play.

I saw them this morning.

- No, thank you. No, really. - Ah...

[Lemony] "Labyrinth" is a word which means "maze full of secrets and danger,"

so let's hurry this thing along. Has anyone seen Stephano?

the Reptile Room was not as inviting to Klaus as it had been the day before.

I must say, I'm beginning to doubt your qualifications.

she was luckier than her brother in one respect.

[soft jackhammer noise]

Goodness, golly, good God,

"The incredibly deadly viper wouldn't hurt a fly.

If I may say so myself, I am quite the expert on the snakes.

is because I was being modest.

That's why I decided to search Stephano's suitcase.

What motive would I possibly have to murder him?

But I can tell you that's as likely as Dr. Montgomery returning to life.

- But where are you going, boss? - International waters.

Count Olaf stole something from me. I think it's part of a spyglass.

where their guardians hopefully won't die on them like Dr. Montgomery.

He turned out to be working for Count Olaf. Surely you remember.

I find it helpful to leave the country now and then.

After finally escaping Count Olaf's clutches, the Baudelaires are sent to live with their kind uncle. All their troubles seem to be over until an unexpected guest arrives.

And it encircles a horseradish factory,

What do we call him? I mean, he's not exactly our uncle.

Do you like going to the movies?

Perhaps Sunny would prefer a raw carrot?

what with my salary from the Herpetological Society.

when Mr. Poe is the very reason you were put with Count Olaf in the first place.

- There's no one in that picture. - We're locked inside the piano.

Who needs an assistant when I have three charming Baudelaire bambinis

This, my dears, is my most recent discovery.

it is useful to stop for a moment of contemplation,

Sunny will come to no harm and neither will you.

You can't study snakes and not find some that are dangerous.

But...

- Woe is me. - Woe is you?

I polished the tortoise and Sunny fed it some bananas

Yes.

Mother and Father told us all sorts of stories

Let's not discuss what I would or would not dare do.

He wouldn't do that. He wouldn't hurt us till he gets his hands on our fortune.

No. It's "SSSSSS."

that you were frightened by that man who arrived earlier.

So, that makes perfect sense.

I'm not some half-witted banker or some member of a High Court,

We must keep an eye on Stephano.

No harm done.

In all honesty, I prefer long-form television to the movies.

- Hurry up. - In you go, Klaus.

- Frogs are amphibians. - What?

because there is nothing exciting happening in my life at all.

What my sister means is, we're not sure we're really following you.

- Just go that way. - You're blocking the screen!

from Monty's home to this godforsaken nickelodeon.

Stephano, would you be so kind as to keep an eye on the children?

There are hundreds of zombies coming down from those snow banks!

What's this? Your guardian has disappeared?

You have found out my secret identity. There's no doubt about it.

The authorities are on their way.

The Baudelaire orphans try and escape the grasp of the evil Count Olaf.

and cook dinner for his disreputable and largely untalented theater troupe,

Why respond to the siren song that the Spanish call 'El Theater'?"

and during the Baudelaire children's unfortunate stay with the Poe family."

No, no. I wanna hear what this man Haircut has to say.

These events at Mulctuary Money Management

We don't really have a question. We have a complaint.

I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

The actor is acting as your parent.

I spent all morning making these cupcakes for you.

But we're shorter than most adults. Won't that look strange to the audience?

You will participate in my theatrical performance!

you should only do it with the people you love.

I'm actually considering a career in law. I find those books quite fascinating.

and the signing of an explanatory document in the bride's own hand."

You will stand in front of a very handsome man, played by me...

Children, go. Go home.

You know who always says that? Prisoners.

to know the difference between literally and figuratively.

resulting in aggregate financial dominion over any spousal holdings."

All the enthusiasm in the world won't get us to participate in your horrible plot!

and one so small, so helpless.

which is a very long way for a very small person to fall,

After the wedding, I wouldn't dispose of you like your brother and sister.

We're all frightened, Klaus. You should get some sleep.

But just as a single bulb can illuminate even the most depressing of rooms,

- [clattering] - What was that?

- Well, take a guess. - Um... Well, some sort of, uh...

It's okay. He didn't mean it as a joke.

Well, as an actor, I think live theater is a much more powerful medium

There's talent scouts in the audience looking for new actresses about your age.

What is a very handsome man like me to do about it...

My marriage to Violet Baudelaire is perfectly legal,

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do.

So, you escaped, you little dishrag.

You should never be afraid to admit that you don't know something.

who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand,

I will tear you and your siblings from limb to limb.

After the three young Baudelaire siblings are left orphaned by a fire in their mansion, they are carted off to live with their distant relative, Count Olaf. Unfortunately, Olaf is a cruel, scheming man only after the inheritance that the eldest Baudelaire Violet is set to receive. The children escape and find shelter with their quirky Uncle Monty and subsequently, their phobic Aunt Josephine, but Olaf is never far behind. MORE -LESS

The Baudelaire family lived in an enormous mansion

so they could work together on their projects and experiments.

which made him look intelligent.

It is the source of all true art and science."

[coughs] Fine, thank you.

I have spent months of research and years crying myself to sleep,

And if you haven't... you cannot possibly imagine it.

- It means "boiled." - Nobody asked you.

- See? I've been saying it... - Honey, P-R-R...

His name is Count Olaf.

and this is my brother, Klaus, and this is my sister, Sunny.

We'd be more than happy to be of assistance, Justice Strauss.

Ah, yes, the bank.

We had a father.

Better and better, Baudelaires.

This is the backyard, which needs weeding, mowing and pruning.

[wind howling]

Did you see the tattoo on his ankle?

I know it's a little soon, but I'm about to become very busy

and you can't very well have book babies...

this story might have turned out differently.

[coins jingling]

How are we supposed to make dinner for an entire theater troupe?

If we might use your library.

The cookbooks are over there in Section G,

and then add olives, capers, anchovies, diced parsley and tomatoes to simmer.

and in a series of strained, platonic relationships.

? Which is such a crucial factor ?

In any case, we demand congratulations.

An associate of mine named Brillat-Savarin famously said,

Klaus peeled the tomatoes and pitted the olives.

there's an eternal question that always springs to mind...

- [grunts] - The second burst of applause

The roast beef.

Well, let's not get carried away.

The theater awaits.