Aired 2 years ago - May 05, 2015
As Coach prepares to move out of the loft, Schmidt also decides to get rid of his non-essentials and in the process discovers what is truly important to him; Jess and Nick reminisce about their “sex mug” and wonder if they still have feelings for each other.
Stop comparing your dogs to my kid.
so all I have to do is store the rest of the cord you bought.
The place looks absolutely wonderful, Lorelai. When does it open?
Kirk's lucky to have found you, Lulu.
- I got to show you this mincing. Seriously
Well, maybe the test run will break a couple of them,
- Oh! So is he coming? Luke's coming?
- Is he not supposed to?
Look at how he chopped these onions.
Well, your timing is perfect, 'cause I went to the store yesterday.
You've been here 20 minutes, and you drop this now?
- What did he want?
- He wanted me to come away with him.
to have this guy show up out of the blue and want to take you away with him.
- It's part of why he's cute. He's unpredictable.
- I guess.
I was safe, and he was so nice to me.
Hey, she's a piratey soul, full of vinegar and glitter,
We're talking Farrah on "Letterman."
Of course about Luke. Did you notice anything different?
What's your damage, Heather?
- Danced? How?
- We pop-locked.
- Oh, stop.
- What else happened?
- That sounds like dating to me.
- But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing.
- I know.
- You can't just date Luke.
Let's just go back in there and see if anything's weird, okay?
- Two radish roses for a carrot curl?
- If it isn't rabbit, then what is it?
- It's duck.
Oh, well, Grandma, I don't really know what I'm doing this summer yet,
That's right, Rory's mother was just marveling at the "hey, look over here" approach to the invitation.
- Twenty years.
- Twenty years, wow.
Fantastic. Isn't that great, Rory?
So, inviting them to stay in the inn is going to do what?
Where are you going? Hey!
- It's very cold but great for racquetball.
- Kirk, what do you want?
Anyhow, I'm a little concerned about this invitation, because...
- Night terrors?
- Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye.
so I jumped out of bed and locked my pillow in the bathroom.
on top of the roof completely naked or running down the street completely naked
I called the Dragonfly and had them put me and Lulu in the room right next to yours.
- Hey, Luke?
- What, Kirk?
and every single person I hired is fantastic. We're doomed.
Tom, I'm loving you like a two dollar whore.
- Oh, will you look at this place!
- It's a paradise.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 28, 2015
Schmidt takes the fall to help Fawn out of a political scandal. Meanwhile, Jess declares herself a “love doctor” and Coach faces a life-changing decision with May.
You should see all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me. It's sad.
I was just wondering if you want me to tell you when I do.
Don't do that! Don't do anything out of the ordinary.
Jack LaLanne. I just googled him. Hi, Cletus.
- This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.
- Oh, hi, Chester. I've heard a lot about you.
- Tastes gross, but does the trick.
- I stashed one in the fridge for you.
I hate that our little clique is breaking up. It's so the end of something.
There's Janet with her boyfriend and Lana with hers.
Oh, here's a bunch of couples from Valentine's Day. You're not in that one.
- Are people talking?
- Not that I've heard. You just don't get out enough.
They're embarrassment-proof. Here.
Please stop talking about my love life.
Well, do you still have the big door knockers -- metal with the chipped red paint?
It's a double entendre. I've been in this country 20 years. I get things.
She's your only child. I know you miss her. She misses you.
And it's not just guys -- girls are not supposed to be monogamous, either.
Make that one, and the one thing they're not that good at.
that going into that bar violated his parole. You can't reason with him.
- Girls, this is Jess.
- Hello, handsome.
- Have fun with what?
- This package is for Liz Danes.
I don't believe this, you rats!
Ladies Speed Stick -- $2.60. Good choice on that one.
I'm so sorry you have a final tomorrow. I thought you'd be free as a bird tonight.
- We just thought we'd try something new tonight.
Well, my roommates are all gone, and I'd say 95% of the class has vamoosed.
Funny, you didn't mention that to me when we talked earlier. You just said he wouldn't be here.
- So you'll be a free girl around noon?
- Around then.
- What is going on here?
- I'm trying to get her to fess up to the separation.
Well, stop attacking her so she'll stop attacking me.
They're having some sort of marital difficulty, Mom,
Well, good, good. Gotta have that soufflé.
Someone in this room called someone in Groton at 11:37 P.M. on the 16th, and it wasn't me.
- Aunt Jun.
- I'm here on your mother's behalf.
- Would you like to come in?
No, I was just packing and having a little lemonade here.
- Would you like to?
- And he thought you might like to go.
And lesson number two -- never, ever let anybody outside of your family see you in diapers.
So, the plans for tonight -- they're pretty casual.
- Shoe polish goes bad?
- It's all chunky.
They lend support everywhere you need it, but they breathe.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 07, 2015
Fawn takes Jess to a charity golf tournament, but the Vice Principal lands in the sand trap in her attempts to make a good impression. Meanwhile, Winston meets a beautiful woman and must lie about being a cop.
Sookie, too much salt in gazpacho.
- What are you doing?
- I need coffee.
It keeps running and thinking and making lists.
If I could move, I would hug you. In fact, in my mind, I am hugging you,
Do what? Go broke?
Oh, hey. I want you to take a tour of the inn.
Fine, I'll eat it. But I'm making a face the entire time.
I wanted to get that table.
a little control in a world where very little is controllable.
Yes, that's my voice. I left myself a couple of messages last night.
I don't find the whole conducting-business-on-the-floor thing amusing anymore!
- I'm not gonna kibitz.
- Okay. And stop touching my banister.
- Hi, Luke.
- Hey, Sookie.
He sells only free-range, hormone-free, and he's recently divorced.
and you guys just talk till I get back.
- Yeah, you too.
- Luke is my... special friend.
Well, it was nice meeting you both. I'm just gonna go say goodbye to Sookie.
I don't know. Maybe.
- You're making me long for Shel.
- You'd never want for chicken.
- That's one way of looking at it, yes.
- You can't do that.
and I don't quite have a full load of whites, so if you have some whites, toss them in.
Asher asked me to go to Oxford with him this summer.
You were gonna ask him after class, but Toby from "American Splendor" wouldn't stop yapping and you couldn't.
I'll just tell you the prices. This one is $24.99.
I don't know what you're doing. I just need to scan the books.
It's going to take work. It's going to take introspection.
That is the key. If you crave love, then you deserve love.
I just haven't been hit in the head with the Oprah stick lately.
The zucchini have got to be there.
We need money! God! You know that, Lindsay!
Don't you care about that? I want to go out with my husband. Hello! We're married here!
Complete the following sentence -- I feel angry because...
T.J. asked me, I said yes, we made a few phone calls,
You'd be like 800th on the list.
He's got a nose for these things.
Seriously, I love myself in this dress.
We got the Scotch-egg guy to cater it and T.J.'s gonna write the vows.
- He's young, he's busy.
- Busy doing what?
You got any of that terrible peach pie you make? I'm starving.
Poor Grandma. We should talk to them.
I stopped watching it and I saved it for when we could watch it together,
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 31, 2015
Jess crashes a funeral, hoping to delete a “sext” she recently sent to the deceased. Then, Schmidt’s mom, Louise, arrives in town for a visit to demand he write thank-you notes for his bar mitzvah gifts, and Winston is desperate to be off-duty friends with his police partner, Aly.
- Hey, do you have any Lucille Balls left?
- Yes, I have some Balls.
- And the miniskirts...
- And the groovy, psychedelic music...
It's okay. I have another one.
- Who is this?
Okay -- ooh, hold on, hon.
- Hey, who's that?
- It's Jason.
I left a message for Dad. I talked to Mom, but she just had her morning Mr. Happy pill,
- Call me later.
Oh, you know, the first boys off the boat were mowed down,
We were going to tell them when the time was right.
I just couldn't find the right hook. It didn't feel focused enough.
to add a little Matchbox Twenty to our sound, don't you?
and she's staying with my parents, and that means she's going to bring my cousin, Turner.
- 'Cause you're the most reliable.
- How very rock 'n' roll.
It's just a prototype. The real one won't have the sandwich on it.
That's the meatball explosion.
so maybe we can get back to work. Okay?
that the owner, Mrs. Tinley, took pity on and nursed back to health.
I think I know that little guy -- he was here for breakfast this morning.
Okay, let's see -- they saw the deer, we released the doves,
Why, I bet our amazing chef, Sookie St. James,
- Oh, Sookie...
- What about the cookies?
finally, I went to the office, and he wasn't there.
I...couldn't believe it.
How could he do this? How could my father just take the business from you?
and he's sitting pretty. Makes perfect sense.
- Come in.
- No, no. I can't. I'll call you later.
like a map of a country I had once traveled with him.
It is an absolutely electric book.
He is so commanding. I mean, it's obviously not necessary for a brilliant novelist
We won't be disturbing him. I'm his girlfriend.
Hey, did I show you this? Look.
And as long as I know that the wise, willful, wonderful woman is me,
- including four of my reporters.
- I'm not here on paper business.
Last year it was Trey Myers. God, was she beautiful.
My money's on the redhead.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 03, 2015
After a night of partying at Bearclaw's, Jess and Cece make their way back to the loft and run into a familiar face. Meanwhile, Coach worries about bringing Nick and Winston around his sophisticated new girlfriend, May.
Thank you, Kirk. I'm going to have to mobilize the community.
- Your minute's up. Order.
- We're not ready.
- I need to practice more.
- You'll get it there.
Anywhere else you want to try it --
I know, we ordered it before we hired you. We should have waited.
- It's not me. It really is heavy.
- You mean here?
It's nothing funny. It is how you stand in these pants.
The pretty little things just like the bookcase lifters.
- It's three pieces of wood.
- Well, I hate it -- hate it, hate it, hate it!
- Are we still talking about anvils?
- Yes, where did all the anvils go?
He was always trying to drop an anvil on the Road Runner's head
I know she sounds nuts, but it's a very common cartoon.
Where are all the anvils?
I don't hear anyone chiming in with rational theories.
- It's a dog-eat-dog world, Grandpa.
- Don't get the wrong idea.
Is there gonna be a sad little going-away party where he brings in his own cake
I'll have to bring my English-to-dumbbell dictionary.
And forty-seven cents comes to $5. Thank you, Mrs. Cassini.
Tracy, change out the scoop water. It's an unsightly color.
Kirk, I just had a spat with my sourball distributor, and I'm not in the mood.
and the kids had a blast hunting them down, except the Banyan boys.
- Eggs smell when they decompose.
- I just found that out.
Oh, Richard, if I get that far on four shots,
Oh, do give Trish our best. Emily and I were just talking about her -- terrific girl.
And, Bob, didn't know you were a duffer.
You couldn't drag those two apart at a function.
That's a big "if," but that could happen.
He wants to have dinner.
Did he bring up Carol before or after he brought up the dinner?
There'll be seven of us. That's an unbalanced table, but that's okay. Oh, this is wonderful!
I have two papers due, so I'll be in Stars Hollow avoiding the fray.
- and this job with Tom has been perfect.
- Extra money for what?
- It's just temporary.
- Can't the townhouse wait?
- Jeez, lighten up.
You don't need to tell me again, okay?
Attention, please! Everybody, if I may!
made each year to avoid catastrophes such as this?
but as my way of thanking you, help yourself to lunch at Doose's market,
at this fine group of volunteers, my heart races with pride.
Well, that's swell.
It's infantile and a total clam.
and then thirty-five... and then forty... and then forty-five
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 24, 2015
It’s a lockdown in the loft when Schmidt’s arachnophobia forces the group go on a spider hunt. In the midst of this chaos, Winston inadvertently makes Jess think that Cece is in love with Nick.
He wants me to live a long time and be healthy. That is romantic.
I know, it's so exciting.
No problem, Glenn.
that he got turned down by that German cannibal?
Okay, but if you change your mind...
Coffee for now. Is everything okay?
- Nobody uses that stuff.
- Oh, sure they do.
That is what investors do.
These are white with a gold stripe and some sort of fruity padding in the toe.
- I'm freezing.
- Me too.
How was I supposed to know you were gonna jump out of your seat like a maniac?
Paris, you took up the whole thing with your "Hey, Gore,
It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold?
It's warm in Florida.
that the thought of spending a week with a bunch of drunken bimbos
Glenn's a very responsible guy. I'm sure it will be fine.
and I feel as if I have veto power, we're good.
at Grandville Middle School.
If I die in a car crash, it's going to be at my own hand.
Hey, I shaved three hours off the MapQuest estimate.
Room 6, okay. And what is your name?
and it keeps them from going through your stuff and robbing you blind.
Okay... not bad.
Yes, and then we need to up your dosage.
And I was worried I would I feel stupid.
I was being polite.
You had an entire day before I woke up.
- Yeah, here.
Hey, Lorelai, hold on a second.
Or if you were carrying something,
Here- it's over here.
There's so many towels, there's basically no room for us.
Now, we're going to need a fruit plate in about an hour
And constant shoulder tension creates a hunchback.
I'm so excited to see you guys.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 17, 2015
Jess takes a bumpy stroll down memory lane when she and the gang travel to her childhood home in Portland, Oregon, for her father's wedding.
- This doesn't smell right.
- Smells fine, Kirk.
I want him to make that breakfast quesadilla thing he made yesterday.
It's so we can have quiet time and keep the conversation going at the same time.
He just got up and said, "Feel your taters."
- It's not plagiarism.
Those are phrases used to talk about a small band of followers or,
I get that, but I don't think my "rain-soaked highway" looks shady.
This is the breeding ground for the next Jayson Blair!
Welcome to the dollhouse.
Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle 24 hours a day."
It sounds like they're turning them.
But we just saw her.
Apparently something his mother used to have made for him
- You could Google it.
- Can I? Can I Google it?
Nothing. If you can find the soup, that'll be enough.
No problem. One huge vat of mock turtle soup coming up.
I think I'll take that hug now.
Well, isn't there any forwarding information?
Music was a little frivolous for her.
was as strong as that woman.
- What regret?
and hateful words.
And I spoke her as if I owed her nothing,
and you really should eat something, Dad.
Oh, well, before he died, did Mr. Martelli pass his trade
I will speak slowly. Thank you.
I'm going to call the florist's idiot stepson.
"Lorelai Gilmore died this week at age 86.
And not a word about the new maternity wing that she donated to St. Joseph's!
Don't worry, Dad.
Goodbye. Thank Sookie for me.
Lorelai, I have to go to Gran's house tomorrow to sort through her personal papers.
the fact that raisins make me gag became totally irrelevant.
Shouldn't I be crying? I feel like I should be crying.
Yes. You don't think I can work within the system,
- My keys are in the foyer.
- All right.
then is to be cremated and have her ashes divided in two --
From now on, it's going to be a 3-person household --
It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this.
but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 10, 2015
When a new bar opens in the neighborhood, it completes the final piece of the puzzle for Nick's epic Valentine's Day pub crawl. Meanwhile, Jess and Ryan drunkenly contemplate their future, Coach meets a new woman - over and over again - and Schmidt tries to fit into the world of politics.
Every day Rory and I write each other multiple times. It's great.
and his pipe and his fancy feathered pen, writing
Or you could just eat here and save e-mailing for when you're...
Well, it's coming out five. Buster is at home, asleep.
- It makes it easier to limbo under.
- This is my place. I shouldn't have to limbo.
As opposed to dematerializing, passing vapor-like through the wall,
I have my own room, and they're gonna sleep in the living room.
- Frame it or something.
- I will. I've gotta go, I'll call you later.
- Well, I only fell once.
- And gracefully. Bye.
I blubbered an amount to you, and we didn't get to talk about a repayment schedule.
I don't want to read that.
- I need to know her role.
- There is none.
- We'll dot the Is and cross the Ts another day.
- Yes, we'll cross and dot.
Someone to take pity on the loinless.
You've done enough shopping for a lifetime. For Methuselah's lifetime.
I should hang up and let you both starve.
I think we have a shot at Bastide.
We're going to Bastide, but don't fret.
Yes. Yes, we'll be there. Thank you. Wait! They said they can take us
No, she's been sick all week. I told her to stay in her dorm and rest.
in the "love is..." cartoons, has degenerated into e-mail correspondence.
but you did share these gems: "Hey, what up? Is it freezing there, too? Ice."
You're not even using verbs. That's not a relationship. Relationships need verbs.
- So, where'd they land?
- John and Keith are dead.
- Cool! What do we do?
- I don't know.
- That could be fun.
- It'll be like we're in an old movie, y'know?
- Tomorrow at 10:00, Roz darling?
- Till tomorrow, Ava dearest.
- What are you looking for?
- Shh. Come on.
- You ever the one that gets cut loose?
- I've gone twice. Shh. Snuggles.
- I'll have a beer tonight.
- Beer? Oh, no!
- That makes it sound better than it is.
- Kinda the point.
- I'm kidding. I'm a kidder.
- What are you doing here?
I think I must have been a carpenter in another life,
- I'm really into the environment.
- Oh, me too.
Lindsay's mom is teaching her how to cook.
Oh, well, it's a hot lunch every day. Plus they always bring something for the group.
Just anybody holding free food.
There's always a bouncy xylophone playing when movie girls window-shop.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 03, 2015
Jess helps Schmidt and Nick pitch their new business venture - the "Swuit," a suit made entirely of sweatshirt material - to entrepreneur Lori Greiner. Meanwhile, Winston and Coach decide they will invest in Cece's future.
And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs.
I love the hot tip of my soldering iron as it liquefies metal and singes the wires...
You mean that unsightly girth is nature given?
- and get confused all over again.
- Bitter little woman.
Yeah, why don't you go sit all alone in your room
I'm gonna grab Barbie's neck and squeeze until her expandable hair falls out
He smells. That fat tub of hers smells.
You know, maybe it's not Janet's boyfriend I can't be around.
Wait, I'm here. Wait.
It's certainly as big a moment as, oh, your first baby step and your first fall on your face,
Everyone is going to be sorry one day -- everyone.
- Bad time?
He's offered me a job working on his crew. It's good pay. It's flexible hours.
Good, I just didn't know where we stood after my wedding and all.
Part time, but everything's good. I've got a five-year plan.
Lindsay and her mom got a good deal on a family plan, so I signed up.
Something to look forward to.
Eight weeks ago, ten weeks ago?
- Can you just please keep reading?
- Over 200 shades of white? I did not know that.
and you're over there arguing about William Safire.
You, me, your father, and apparently she wants to meet Jason.
If your hair looks a mess, it will be my fault, and I don't need that responsibility right now.
Yes, she can. She can hear sin and depravity and all sorts of lustful things.
Hey! They put pipes in the kitchen. We're almost able to run water!
Look, it won't take long. It's an easy cut. I'm very low maintenance.
Yeah, I thought maybe Rory would have told you.
Yeah, they're terrific pipes, and you got that fancy sink coming in tomorrow morning.
I gotta deal with a lot of jerks in my business, yelling at you when it's not your fault,
- Oh, this is hard.
- Are we not paying him?
Okay. Let me talk to Tom for a second, hon. We'll clear it up, really. Go, go.
The thing is, if I don't get paid, I can't pay my guys, then they tend to stop showing up.
Hey. I should have talked to you sooner.
If by fantastic, you mean are we as close as that one-armed surfer girl and the shark, then yes.
More embarrassing than Tom almost crying because we're not paying him?
- What's your problem?
- I'll tell you my problem, Andre.
So every friend I bring here has to pass your anal standards?
You told. Come here.
and everyone else passing through there. She's gotta go.
Yeah, I know, she said some stupid things.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 13, 2015
Jess struggles not to show favoritism to Ryan, now that they are officially a couple, which leads to a disastrous class field trip. Meanwhile, Schmidt gets an ulcer and Winston becomes obsessed with wearing a crystal.
Hey, did anyone ever think that maybe Sylvia Plath wasn't crazy,
I repeat: we need more stars in the gazebo area.
If he says roger, what the hell am I supposed to say?
The Budweiser Clydesdales prancing along, Ann Jillian waving in the back.
I find it ridiculous that Gypsy won't walk twenty feet to take a look at my car.
You're making a spectacle of yourself.
Just tell me what's wrong with the car.
And bring a lot of money because I'm going to overcharge you
Come over here and help us.
Maybe if we add a layer of tinfoil.
Yes, it is.
and we still haven't filled our table. I'm four people short.
Once you do not fill your table, you do not get another table to fill.
All right, the Dartmores are trying to change Bitty's viewing.
Oh, hey, Luke. You remember my friend Carrie, right?
Liz, do you remember when you decided to make those ceramic pots?
Look around. Everybody here has a life.
I can check.
They're gonna make people's ears green and send them to the hospital.
Hi, I'd like a large coffee and a cherry Danish, please.
- A little farther back. Roger.
Then it's your own fault! Roger!
I borrowed the truck.
tell him Lorelai wanted to gently remind him about the window.
Oh, sorry. You look like his type, so
- He did not say that.
- I think he did.
He's pretty amazing though. No matter how much I screw up,
- And the little white toga dresses.
- I sound silly.
I've discussed it with my boyfriend. I'm not sure how Luke would like it, but I sure would.
I have to tell you this is a real treat having you two girls over,
Ah, we don't deserve such treatment.
Stupid little pisher, trying to sneak out of town without anyone knowing.
He's the one who didn't call and now he just gets up and walks out like he's mad.
I'm making dinner upstairs and you don't have anything.
I'll buy a pie tomorrow. Tonight I'm making a feast for my guys.
Hey, that is my singing "Be Happy" Bass
- Thomas Jefferson?
- No. Thomas Jefferson?
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 06, 2015
After Winston graduates from the Police Academy, Nick and Coach worry when they see his new training officer. Meanwhile, Jess uses Schmidt to try and influence a councilwoman to stop the night construction taking place outside the loft.
Or maybe she's a friend of Nicole's or another attorney if it's not definitely off.
So what do you think? An early morning tryst with the county dominatrix?
Oh, maybe later, I don't think now is such a good time.
Wow! I'm stunning.
I am hoping that one boy notices. Chester Fleet.
Thanks Lane. See ya later.
Hey, I was just stepping out the door, what's up?
Well, I'm - dead tired, I have tons of studying to do
- Oh, sure.
- And I'm seeing him tomorrow anyway.
for on-site accidents at any of your plants.
Kinky? I'm sorry, what is kinky?
- ... finding dead people.
- Duke's. Sure.
No, no Rietgaard, those documents were Fed-Ex'd to you on Wednesday.
Hey, is he ice-skating under a windmill, that's the picture I have in my head.
- Are they different people?
- Same person.
No, it's passed. My 5 a.m. coffee just kicked in again.
The speed limit here is twelve!
- Anywhere - else - for coffee, please.
Sorry to pounce on you like that.
and she won't see me.
Plus, I heard her telling you about my friend, Lane.
Not that I know of.
- You forget about me?
- No, I'm just real, real busy, that's all.
- What are you doing?
- I'm putting it away.
I do not look fine, I look good. I am good. I am really good, Luke.
- You're going to your high school reunion?
- I even sent in a picture for the program.
- I dare say, that he might even be the one!
- Well, yeah!
your stuff missing, crying on the phone to me to bail you out,
Yes. Let's talk about something else. You said you had a new job.
I wear the long skirt, I have a hat and one of those corsets that squishes my boobs all up high.
What come on, Liz? I mean, you're selling earrings in a booth
No, I tried, you gave up.
Because I think now he'll have to go to school, now he'll have to graduate, now -
You should talk. You made out with her at the homecoming game.
Okay, Dennis, it is time to get proactive on this.
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 09, 2014
As the gang prepares to depart for the holidays, they quickly find they may be home alone when they are all trapped at the airport.
You're like my mom,
There are going to be a million
people at my mother's house.
You could open a hat store in here.
I'll be fully clothed, but late.
who's too afraid to break up
with his college girlfriend?
Uh, Winston Bishop and Nick Miller.
You seem like a reasonable person.
like the other HBO GO subscribers.
by merely changing his attitude."
tend to deal with, uh,
That's a real thing... guest passes?
Dude, come on!
It's a gorgeous mansion.
for people with polio,
but I don't think anything
- Okay. Yeah.
- All of that good stuff.
I'd like the strongest drink you have,
I really want this to be true.
Anyway, should I just bail on this trip?
Pervert Santa! No cookies for you here,
Look at this thing. This is the pillow
First time in the lounge?
defecating from my window.
unless it doesn't work.
Are you sure you guys
The flight has not been canceled.
Well, it was worse than
the last season of Scrubs.
- Oh, God.
- Don't judge me for eating pizza!
Ro-Ro, it's your Uncle Ernie!
I'd love to take a run at your girl.
"Biatch," just in general.
that you're a part of, sir.
Billy Joel, one more time.
and I still barely did it.
and crying at some point,
but that's flexible.
Come on, just tell me what he said.
Yeah, I thought that.
Welcome to Los Angeles
Are you kidding me?
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 02, 2014
Schmidt quickly regrets trying to understand the politics of a girl fight when one breaks out between Jess and Cece. Meanwhile, Nick goes on a date with Tran's granddaughter, whom Winston believes is hiding a secret.
Are you sure it was food every time?
- And try this pizzelle.
- I knew it.
Hi, and I'm high around this little thing.
Davey's nanny? Just until something permanent comes along.
lots of job opportunities for industrious Mormons.
Oh, I see you're trying the pizzelles.
Yes. I turned Sookie onto a place that sells hard-to-find kitchenware.
I think your voice hits a pitch that hurts his ears.
But the fact is, wherever Sookie goes, the baby goes,
and says, "Oh, look at all those culs-de-sac."
Yes, and we have a special surprise for you for dessert.
Marzipan is not candy.
Don't force yourself.
Oh, that's a huge help. Terrific.
Have you swallowed your marzipan yet?
- For what?
- Dinner, et cetera.
Almost done with your radiator, young lady.
I've been here 23 years come August and I've never been bored.
Just thought I'd get a jump on things. How was your trip?
Sure. The resort was beautiful.
You're just learning that? Why are you here anyway?
No, no, what did you mean when you said Paris was not with Jamie?
Apparently, the big game was big for everyone.
- 45? 46? 47? 47½? 48?
And it's so annoying. I mean, she's hiding it from me,
This is not the same as Dean. I did not cheat on Dean with an old guy.
I just had a feeling the opportunity would present itself eventually.
Okay! Okay, I'll be right there. Goodbye.
You took so long! Why? You need to charter an airplane?
- I offered to babysit.
- I'm sorry, you did what?
and the airplane, and then I even picked it up.
and then you pull it back and forth and back and forth.
the screaming would start again.
See? I made him happy.
under the bed. Now, Lift up here, and I'll get him out.
He's just fine. He's just fine.
And yet here you are wearing your super-low-cut jeans
The one that came back the very next day.
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 25, 2014
With winter coming and everyone still single, Schmidt initiates a "Bangs-giving"-themed Thanksgiving dinner party, to which everyone must bring someone compatible for someone else.
- Maybe you should just go out with him and see what happens.
- No. Dad would flip and Mom hates him,
He watched "The Breakfast Club" and decided to tape his own butt cheeks together.
You don't remember. Biology - the frog?
This roommate of mine in sophomore year - we absolutely hated him.
This roommate of mine in sophomore year - we absolutely hated him.
This roommate of mine in sophomore year - we absolutely hated him.
He was, in addition to being a complete nincompoop, rather a chubby lad.
We wound up throwing him out the window every night for a month, and then he transferred.
Well, you're very welcome, Paris.
It's the game, Rory. It's a memory - a college memory, and I intend on having as many college memories as possible.
Asher! Oh, look at you!
- Well, he's my grandfather.
- You're stealing my interview.
and managed to look remotely interested when Charlie babbled on pretentiously about nothing.
Sure, you gotta pay the bills.
- I could've opened with that, couldn't I have?
- Then you wouldn't be you.
Those men would get a clue, have some pride, grow a pair, and move on.
- You're right, I apologize. So, how are you?
- I'm fine, and you?
- How did you do that?
- Pulled a few strings, greased a few palms,
- You find me repulsive.
- No, I don't, and I wish I did.
- That woman is working my last nerve.
- So what?
They can't light them up. The homeowners association has very strict rules about the amount of lights
- May I have some more roast, please, Grandma?
- Of course you may.
- Why does the question "Football?" get a "Lorelai"?
You won't get bored?
- Or Donlon.
- Donlon just had his colon removed.
Yeah, I know I hate football, but I couldn't get out of it. You could.
Damn it. Emily, Cecil's the one who had his colon removed. I'm calling Donlon.
- Did I put on underwear?
Yeah, chance ended when he dumped a chili-bean omelet on me the other day.
Two bacons, two sausages, one pancake... I would really like you to write this down.
and you can see my house from here. I totally need the money, and instead I get to return a box of doughnuts once a day.
- We're going to the Harvard-Yale game.
- You're going to the Harvard-Yale game?
And I am here to tell you that it is hell watching you go through this, so I think for your own sake, you should fire Froggy.
he never brings you food that's hot or yours, he can't distinguish bagels from doughnuts,
- Did you give Kirk a napkin out of your back pocket?
- Oh, my God.
- Lorelai, Rory.
- Oh, she can't go like that.
- Crimson is Harvard's color.
- I could just as easily have been the one dressed right.
- You can wear my jacket.
I'm sorry, Rory, we didn't mean to laugh at you. We love your Fig Newtons.
There's much more to the big game day than the game, Lorelai.
- The original Handsome Dan.
- The very first Yale mascot.
- And young woman.
- We salute you, Dan.
All right, give our boys the strength to do battle yet again for the honor of Yale,
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 18, 2014
Jess, Coach and Ryan attend a teachers' conference, led by education guru Brenda Brown. Back at the loft, Nick, Schmidt and Winston try to have a wild weekend while Jess is out of town.
They were a big hit. Perfect for an executive's table. I got one for each of you.
Please, let's discuss something other than New Jersey.
These are just tryout articles to qualify.
- You made it sing.
- We're having all your articles laminated.
It's a time-honored tradition. All our forebears had to do it.
- Must be a mistake.
- No, it's really not here.
Oh, the review? Which was yours, the quartet?
Well, you know, chamber-music recitals are very low-key, kind of yawny affairs.
- The word yawn is insulting.
- Yeah, but I was actually tired when I wrote it,
- Five to four.
- Five minutes to my call with Dave. I should get home.
How did he take the news that you found a replacement for him in the band?
- He sneezed.
- Five days ago.
There he is. Oh, widdle Davey, widdle Davey, peekaboo, peekaboo.
- I thought today was my chance.
- I brought pastries.
to the point where it looks worse than ever and you can't imagine it ever looking good ever again.
Every second Davey's brain is hard-wiring for life.
- It's okay.
- All right, this thing is getting ready to dive-bomb.
Davey, come on, man, hard-wire those adult thoughts and try to remember what we're talking...
Oh, I hate that. Whenever there's three of something, you always forget the third one. It's like a statistical thing.
- You're crossing everything out.
- Not everything.
No, Rory, this is how it works. It's not personal. It's just not very good.
- So I should try less hard?
- Look, just write what you think.
Yeah, I'm the happiest unpublished writer in the newspaper biz.
- at the major news organizations.
- You need chocolate.
- Here we go.
- Ah, I love these seats. They're so important.
- Maybe she just has no friends in the ballet.
- All ballet people do is ballet.
- Thank you. Stan, get this to layout.
- Okay. Thank you.
- You're welcome.
I'm going to make some tea.
So, I looked up what Bruce said about baby talk and she was right.
so I need an outlet. And you're my outwet - wittle Michel with the happy hair.
- Well, I'll be. Look at you there.
- It's nice to see you.
- Very good. And you?
- Very good, too.
- I did, yes, because, well,
I just remembered, I just ate.
- that we've ever had ever, and it's all my mother's fault.
- Your mother? Why?
- The jug. The big jug. The monumental jug.
- What jug?
I'm guessing it means she's reserving a hall and ordering that "Stations of the Cross" ice sculpture.
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 11, 2014
Nick pretends to be gay to make his status as Jess' "ex" less of an issue to her new beau. To Coach's annoyance, Winston works his "Long Game" on their attractive neighbors, Michelle and Viv. Meanwhile, Schmidt panics when Cece considers having a breast reduction.
So Beau's missing way more work than he thought he would, and he's letting me know it.
I get time and a half on Saturdays.
We're skipping the hospital and having the baby here.
you guys have done a lot of research on this, right?
zero chance of bringing home the wrong baby.
Extra buckets - I gotta put it on the list.
It was the same one that boy who couldn't hold it had to use in that after-school special.
Get this. I just found the most amazing guitarist - a phenom.
Oh, Mrs. Van-uppity? Well, maybe you're just her type.
a show which presents onstage recreations of famous works of art,
The town of Woodbury was supposed to host it this year,
- Your beard is so sexy.
- How much time do we have?
that we'd take it over successfully. It's a challenge, people, but doable.
- Hey, it's your future wife.
- Shut up.
Miss Patty, you will be stage-managing.
Hey, you're gonna be the girl in that Renoir painting again, right?
No, mine was. And please don't point out the irony of my paying a lawyer to work for me.
I just thought of the perfect painting for Luke to be in. "Cranky Guy in Baseball Cap."
- What are they doing?
- Well, I bet she's coming to...
- Just what I thought.
- This is a violation of my civil rights.
Yes, that's what that means.
- Watch the elbows, Kirk.
- I just need to see the list.
- James, son of Alpheus, give me five.
- All right.
We think Rory would be perfect for it. It's called "Portrait of a Young Girl Named Anthea."
I played her seven years ago and received the proper accolades. This is a mistake.
You are. Your look is perfect.
- I did not flinch!
- You almost knocked Terrence over.
So, you'll ask Rory about the painting?
- You seem calm.
- Well, on the outside.
Okay, now, don't take it out on poor Carol. It's not like she lobbied for it.
on Taylor's head and he suddenly likes me again. Oh, a brick.
Bada-bing all over his nice ivy-league suit.
I don't know about you, but I'm completely jazzed about this.
- And the Renoir girl dress still fits you?
- Like a glove.
- Still haven't met them all. I'm Christ.
- It's gonna be a lot of fun, huh?
Oh, okay. Maybe some other time.
- It's got a feel that...
He was alive before man walked on the moon.
- He was our age when we were born.
- He thinks we're great
- Fine, we'll keep going,
Kids, man. In one ear and out the other.
Fine. Bruce just suggested a little afternoon rest.
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 04, 2014
As part of Winston's police academy training, the loft must pass a home visit and background check, which shouldn't be a problem until Jess admits she might be hiding illegal substances in her closet.
You're starting a new partnership. You need new photographs,
And now we sign the real papers.
I learned long ago, Jason, when it comes to things like this, Emily is always right.
"I think it's cute."
- I love that it's okay to be Russian again.
- It sounds lovely.
A Russian theme. I like that.
It is almost always imposed with the explicit purpose
I apologize for this cruel little life experience, but what can I do?
- Without a magic wand or some sort of fairy dust?
- Preferably, yes.
The roof's about to cave in so I can stay within our budget,
She doing a launch party for your father's new business and she wants us to do the catering.
- I swear she didn't sound mad.
Decorating, planning - it's gonna be a snap for you.
- Excuse me, Lorelai.
- Oh, my God, Kirk, I forgot you were here.
Wow. They look very nice, Kirk.
We haven't even settled on a color for the inn yet.
So, I hear you're running a catering business now.
and I thought it would be nice to serve her a catered meal.
I don't have high hopes for it, if that's what you're thinking.
Or you could take Lulu out to a restaurant.
Good. You'll see - it'll be great.
You won't listen to me!
- Paris, I have to study!
- Go ahead.
No, I haven't thought about what you said.
Have him call you back on your cell phone. Then you can talk to him outside.
- Yes, I am!
- Yes, she is!
You can, you know, because your grandma paid for the TV.
Your mother is the pickiest woman I have ever catered for.
We'll make a fish-cheese combo course just to be sure.
- Hello, Mom.
- Lorelai, hello. How nice to hear from you.
You know, a few years ago, there was a company called Independent Catering.
You know, some people could mistake the Independence Catering Company
No, it was your basic "Introducing the Independence Catering Company", flier.
- Mom, the party?
- All right.
We'll need white and sterling roses, but not too high or formal.
- Mom, I swear there's a flier.
- Shame on you for swearing there's a flier.
you are hiring a professional catering company. This is not a favor,
How am I supposed to study when it smells like broccoli?
- At least they don't smell like quiche.
- Enough with the quiche, okay?
Have a seat, Kirk. I'll be right there.
Aired 3 years ago - Oct 14, 2014
When Coach's liaison with the school nurse gets messy, vice principal Jess must enforce a new, "no fraternization" policy among the teachers. But the tables soon get turned when she finds herself attracted to the hot new science teacher. Meanwhile, Nick is enjoying being Schmidt and Winston's secretary, after the loft gets a new home phone.
Never mind that some of us were up finishing a chem lab 'til 2:30 in the morning!
Don't let your enemy sleep. Push him 'til he cracks.
I always take enough for ten. I blame my brother.
I mean, it's not like an official club or anything. There's no hats.
- I'm sorry I haven't gotten it back to you yet.
- Oh, it's okay.
I just hid. But then when I saw you show up this morning like that,
Good. See ya, Rory.
- What was that?
- I was taking it outside.
and prescreened three other designers for you. Here are their names.
Normally, yes, that's true. However, every six months I give myself a crazy day
though I know it was taught to you as a child,
It's obvious Hemingway is just using Jake's impotence to indict a society
Please. That grossly ignores the social context.
I can't this Saturday, but if it's good, maybe another time, okay?
for even two minutes after it stops, some incredibly impatient person will come
Well, that's just wrong. I think you should quit school in protest.
Between Seventh Day Adventist college and my mom's new fascination
Wait, have some pizza and tell Mama all about your day.
- Wow, she went for the crafts.
- This war is getting totally out of hand.
and he takes my side in the debates, and he's decent to look at.
- It could go to dinner, maybe a movie.
- You had me with dad - relationship.
- Yes, but...
Wait. Was that it?
- That's anaglypta wallpaper.
- What are you doing?
I love horses. I've always loved horses ever since I was a little girl,
About the same square footage as that box they threw McCain in.
You know what else I like to do besides talk about a really good book?
Like right now, for example, starving, really.
Well, that fact has been pretty well established.
Oh, I can't believe you finally picked a name. It makes it real.
- His great-grandmother's name.
and then he would know we were gonna have a boy,
Is that okay? Because I know it's a little more expensive.
Yes, because she did her second-floor remodel like a year ago.
my being, my ability to be this sparkling creature standing here before you --
- Purple, purple, purple.
- They were horrible.
Hey, Luke. What's going on?
but it's going to be $4,000. Vicki from Vicki's Horse Supply called.
Aired 3 years ago - Oct 07, 2014
To prove that girls aren't shallow, Jess goes out on a date with a guy whose shortcomings fall way below the belt. Meanwhile, Winston and Cece pit Schmidt and Coach against each other, while convincing them they could be male models.
- I was gonna leave you out of it, but now...
- Okay, you can stand up.
and hear a contractor laugh at me every time I say,
- Oh, what about next to the cake?
- Yes, next to the cake.
I'm sorry, I meant to tell you. I just didn't know you were coming home this weekend.
The resemblance is uncanny.
We have come too far to let the band fall apart just because Dave...
Do you think a sound is so easy to find? Did you ever see that Glenn Miller movie?
Mick Jagger went to the London School of Economics.
Lane, she's your friend.
Okay, well, I'll see you tomorrow.
Yeah, I ran out of clean clothes and quarters, so...
So, I see you've taken over the town.
- No, I know you didn't know.
- I didn't want you to think...
It's supposed to be... operatic.
- What about now?
- No, nothing.
I swear, they told me it would be self-explanatory.
And Jimmy said he would install it for me because I do not have those skills yet.
and the neighbors are going, like, "Is that a fan? Did I leave the water running?"
- Yes, I do.
- That is perfect.
Oh, come on. Why would he think that?
Right. He's the best concierge in the world.
Picture life without him.
That must be one tired supermodel.
You have reservations at Tamtam at 7:00.
- Oh, yes. Is that still happening?
- It is still happening.
the one where you told me that you called Lorelai and she didn't call back.
- well, we're sorry.
- I'm not.
Especially when, for example, you're in the bathroom,
Not much squirming, no backing away, but there was a little bit of darty-eye.
- It seems weird that we go.
- Then we don't go.
- Going where?
- Dean's wedding. Fate's making us.
Jim Morrison is not hanging out with Elvis, and the Kennedys did not kill Marilyn.
- I know.
- I just want him to be happy.
Oh, there was something marked urgent in there,
Aired 3 years ago - Sep 30, 2014
Jess' dad arrives with his new girlfriend, who happened to be Jess and Cece's high-school rival. Meanwhile, Schmidt recruits the guys to be part of a focus group at work to help him land a big new account.
Yeah. Here. Oh, remember that?
Tom sent over the initial proposal for the work.
- I got the chimney report back.
- Oh, shoot.
- Yes, Jackson!
- You're supposed to use the walkie-talkie.
it's gonna take some time to get the inn up and running, right?
- Yes, but...
- Okay, here.
So she offered us the job and I just took it. It's Thursday.
This - the furniture, the couch, the chairs, the rug.
as well as watching television, and you would need a little bit of support.
Did you look in the entertainment center yet?
Four of us who live here. There are four of us who live here together.
You are in the real world now.
Grandma broke into my dorm and redid the entire common room
Tanna still doesn't know she's at Yale, Paris saw it and said nothing.
- I know.
- She didn't even ask.
You've seen her pull stunts like this on me for years.
and I cannot guarantee that the other people will love it as much as I do,
I am hurt on a level you will not be able to understand
and my entire future, and at least with you, she threw in an ottoman.
Emily, you have excellent taste.
What - that the turncoat company I used to work for is cutting my pension?
Yes, I liked Digger when he was fetching my coffee.
You did what?
That's it - no drink, no handshake, nothing.
but I'm anticipating the themes quickly degenerating to "Hey, walking works -- let's drink."
to solidify our social standing at Yale.
Look, we can still go to the party.
After all, you have all this fancy furniture and a big TV to lord over people.
We've got fairy necklaces, we've got tree heads.
Those colored popcorn balls. Rory used to go mental over those things.
There's 4,000 people in that movie who wear capes - you can't pick one?
Now I'm sure it's tempting to emotionally stunt your daughter
- Well, you wouldn't listen to me.
- Give me that phone!
- So tell me about the party.
- It's nothing,
I'm not telling you anything. I just want to make sure that at the end of four years,
Aired 3 years ago - Sep 23, 2014
Schmidt tutors Jess in the not-so-fine-art of dating via mobile apps. Meanwhile, Winston is desperate to make a good impression on his fellow police cadets, which backfires when Nick, Coach and Cece show up at a party thrown by fellow officers.
and it was great. Um,
Schmidt, will you at least
just talk to me, please?
so we had to go back to his apartment.
and I have no reason not to believe them.
Ah! What the hell?
Now, over the next 1,000 minutes,
Hubba hubba, mama in trubba.
- Is that our Taboo buzzer?
Ooh, I got a Dice match.
but that's not to the bottom.
to hang out with some of the other guys,
Know-know what? We're gonna go.
If we didn't go, then they would know.
I wish... I wish I could dive for rings."
Maybe. So, then,
- Okay, moving on.
Okay, first test.
Now, I'm gonna say something,
Virgin. And somehow also a pervert.
straight to Broadway.
You got to workshop it first...
Okay. What do you do?
was the realization
Just, just say as little
as you need to, okay?
Uh, let's keep it simple.
So just stay by my side
- Whatever the hell that means.
Actually, dude, I feel really good.
And now I'm a model and a bartender.
"I hope this is Charlotte's Web
Where are my dogs?
Hurt their feel...
are the fat kids in the cafeteria,
- Say it again.
- I'm the pie.
I have an acquaintance who's in jeopardy.
I would love for you to share...
Oh, no, Coach!
It's a big moment.
Yeah, I used to work there
summers in high school.
You asked me here because
Guess you just make a snap decision,
How do you open it?
A raw bar. This place is doing too much.
It's like burning fossil fuels
or seeing a therapist.
She's a bartender.
Why would she get paid for it?
Aired 3 years ago - Sep 16, 2014
At the last wedding of the summer, the gang makes a pact: Each of them will get lucky by night's end. Jess sets her sights on the best man, who also has caught the eye of a beautiful scientist. Meanwhile, Schmidt and Nick get an indecent proposal.
Winston recovers from his police academy training, and Coach panics when he realizes he already has hooked up with every woman at the party.
Listen, since we slept on the plane, we should go to sleep now,
Gilmore, Lorelai, yes.
She got our arrival dates mixed up and she was just worried,
I still cannot believe Babette did this.
Well, pray they match my blue suit?
Yes. In fact, I have here in my hand a schedule of all the activities
and we hit three of the crappier movies that are out.
Monday is mani/pedi, facial, haircut, go to the psychic,
Oh, good. Well, everything's in order,
Excuse me, every woman who's ever purchased
We'll start with Patty, work our way clockwise around the town, end with Andrew.
Yeah, I know, but I wonder if he actually went.
- Oh, please, you are not.
- I am, too. I'm gonna kill you.
- So what?
- A giant window! Right here!
to bring back two of the worst hours of my childhood.
Oh, we forgot to bring him back a gift. Oh no!
Everything you buy here has a Hello, Kitty stamped on the bottom.
- I missed you so much!
- We missed you so much.
Hey, I hear you touched the Pope! Are you hungry?
Come on, Rory, rub my stomach.
until a pretty nurse in a nice white outfit would come out and say,
We can be in that waiting room together, pacing, waiting,
Oh, a little boy. I know nothing about little boys.
Nope. Luke just seemed kind of freaked out about something.
So... are you gonna name him Lorelai?
I don't know what you're talking about.
- As in Sochelle Crab.
- Yes, exactly.
and now she's the most successful jamstress in Paris.
A couple things about you stick. You have a good time?
who were heading to Ireland to stake out the Clarence Hotel.
except this burning desire to be the world's greatest jamstress.
No, forget it. I didn't get you anything on my trip either. We're even.
What did you and Nicole do on the boat?
Scoop toward you, rolling smoothly.
Ah, there you are. Hello, your majesty.
Taylor, you didn't ask me if I wanted to be the Ice Cream Queen.