Aired 34 years ago - Feb 28, 1983
Hawkeye is sent to a mental hospital; a freak accident causes Father Mulcahy to lose his hearing; Margaret worries about her post-war plans; Charles run across a band of Chinese musicians; BJ is sent home, much to Hawkeye's dismay; Klinger decides to stay in Korea to marry Soon-Lee; a ceasefire is declared, ending the war.
I'm not, however,
having a great time here.
This and that, ups and downs.
Uh, what can I say?
That was strange.
I drink martinis.
We go call Chorwon.
Maybe my family's still there!
Sergeant, we're looking
for a family named Han.
My kid has her
second birthday coming up...
If you do a good job on him,
he could probably get you promoted.
Sure it is. Look. We all make mistakes.
Forgive and forget. That's my motto.
Have you ever known a chicken
to have a weak handshake?
- Did you find me a surgeon yet?
- Don't you read the papers?
Well, it's a nice location.
You get a lot of drop-in business.
You son of a bitch.
Why did you make me remember that?
- I thought we had to have more sessions.
- We've had them.
- I'm really gonna...
- That's how I feel, sir.
Margaret, I got a flight
at the last minute. I'm leaving.
- who's not her uncle, but he runs the hospital.
- You mean Dr. Robert Harwell?
Oh, well, Margaret, I'm sure you'll find
something else that moves you just as much.
You're in love with your nose! Do you put it
in dresses and take it out to bars, huh?
- Doctor, he's under.
- Yeah, right.
[Shouting In Korean]
It was started
by incendiary bombs.
I got as far as Guam and all flights
are canceled. Nothing going in or out.
We'll throw a wedding
that'll run for a week.
Sidney, welcome! Isn't this wonderful?
Just look at those glowing faces!
I had a butterfly collection
loose in my stomach.
both sides continue heavy
- [Man Groaning]
- [People Chattering]
I've devoted my life to it, and
now how am I supposed to do it?
but, uh, most of the time...
- Tokyo, right?
- Wrong. Belgium.
I'll be lookin' forward to it.
- Come on! Throw the bouquet!
- Throw the bouquet!
Aired 34 years ago - Feb 21, 1983
Margaret and Hawkeye work on a time capsule to commemorate their time in Korea; Rizzo and BJ goof around with a fake hand grenade; Klinger becomes smitten with a young, pretty Korean war criminal.
Well, uh, you know
that date you got tonight?
If this is another one
of your jokes...
I not understand.
Where we go?
We interrupt your sweet dreams
to bring you the following nightmare.
- We sent him on the chopper.
- No chopper came in here this afternoon.
Prisoner's over here, Sergeant.
Hey, save it for the judge.
- that have made this the finest army in the world.
- That's good.
- That's just nothing but shooting and killing.
- What's wrong with Zane Grey?
You can't be serious.
Even Zane Grey is better than that.
G-2 says the local Korean police want to
interrogate our lady of the carbine.
Thought I'd defuse it, fill it with pebbles,
and make a rattle for little Billy Bubba.
- That was a fake!
- A fake?
- How about a bottle of cognac?
- A bottle of booze?
First job I've ever had where
I could use my natural talents.
Going into business for myself.
Klinger, we just got
a call from G-2.
Did you say plowing in a field?
Did they say my name?
Well, I guess, but I can't let you go.
They'd put one of these on me.
Tell them to give me
a lateral as well as a frontal.
We got shot at.
A bullet hit one of the tubes.
- Are you the company clerk?
- Yeah. Be right with you, sir.
Now, what can I do for you, sir?
Gee, it's a lot more practical
than what I gave Captain Pierce.
Oh, yeah. The fan belt.
Take a left and follow the smell of grease.
You're a real lifesaver.
You certainly don't
expect me to eat it.
You rear-ended me!
Hunnicutt just took
the bullet out of Stoddard.
Yeah, that seems, uh,
like the least we could do.
I want to bury a time capsule,
not a patient.
Oh, yes. We heard
he had engine trouble.
Then he came back and got me.
so he, uh, kept me warm...
You've had a long trip,
or a bunch of short ones.
I've been thinking about it,
and I just want to say...
Well, it ain't so far.
That's why it's lucky.
Wait a minute.
It didn't go off.
I mean, you throwed yourself
on that thing faster than Snider's hounds.
You've had a frightful scare.
You go curl up in a nice, warm jeep.
and I'll have Zola fix up...
It is you!
Heaven be praised!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Uh-oh. Cover your eyes.
Personally, I think she should
have gone with the Zeno pads.
by good, decent...
Aired 34 years ago - Feb 14, 1983
A wounded GI learns a painful lesson when he forms a recovery room friendship with the enemy soldier he's critically wounded. Soldier: "My boots. All he wanted was my lousy boots. His feet were freezing. I'd have done the same thing. He was just a
guy like me, and I shot him. I killed him, for a pair of boots. How can I ever look at a pair of shoes again without thinking of him?"
You don't have to worry about
ruining any close friendships.
- [B.J.] Stamp him "Fragile"
and get him into post-op.
- The gook.
- I don't know about the gook.
And the fool was in such a hurry
to get 'em off, he laid his rifle down.
- Well, it's high time I did.
One that a warm, selfless person
such as yourself...
- You're serious, aren't you?
- You have a copy, and I would love to have it.
Uh, well, she's busy right now.
B. J., you're
such a nice guy.
- What do you want?
- I thought you might enjoy
being charity officer for me.
Can't you do something about this guy?
He's keeping me awake.
The soles of his shoes were worn through.
He had cloth wrapped around his feet.
A dream hand, right? I can't lose.
Hey, Doc, could you maybe
let me have five bucks till payday?
- Well, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy.
- That's true.
legend has it that a selfish man...
and shipped my jackpot
straight to Zola...
I know it hurts.
Just try to rest.
- So you made me promise not to tell?
- Sure, why?
I'll tell the colonel about that time
you were dying to go fishing...
- Peg and Erin Pierce.
Oh, I'd say tomorrow.
What's your hurry?
- Thank you.
- Oh, Lieutenant Armstrong, please, let me.
- Lieutenant Armstrong, may I be frank?
- I doubt it.
All this, including transportation,
can be yours...
Look, Romeo, I've got
a boyfriend in the commandos.
I did everything but catalog the new
medicine. I'll never get that done.
- Is he in bad shape?
All you decent,
Yes, my son. I can see this dilemma
has caused you deep and heartfelt grief.
I'll go to services every Sunday.
The Bibles. I'll dust 'em for you.
Listen, about those promises.
I just got this bottle of ouzo.
[Hawkeye] His pulse, if you can
call it that, is 120 and thready.
A full house.
I had a full house.
I'll tell you what.
Hey, Father, a G.I.'s dough
only goes so far.
put it in the order of the amount on hand,
and then cross-reference it.
- ## [Stops]
- Winchester, you are a dirty stinker!
- Tell me, are you such a person?
- Certainly not.
And the man they're going to hang is the man
whose name is on the assignment sheet.
have you ever considered that there are
people less fortunate than yourselves?
Aired 34 years ago - Feb 07, 1983
Potter must deal with an old Army friend who is getting his own soldiers killed through his incompetency.
Well, I hope it helps.
Though I must admit...
Just a couple
of raw kids when we met.
I'm happy to report
the joint is empty!
Well, now that you mention it,
I got this new record player...
Yeah, I guess you could say that.
I'm in charge of petroleum
and oil and lubricants.
I was really scared up there.
What do you mean?
Shouldn't you keep that toe off its feet
for the next couple of days?
This needle is completely worn down.
We went as Roy Rogers and Dale Evans.
Oh, here it is.
and he told me that he wanted
to get out of that area...
What do you know about anything?
I'm gonna lose
what is left of my mind.
I'm stuck here in the Swamp.
You're stuck without your music.
Come here a minute, will ya?
Hey, gang, drinks on me!
If you'll just listen
to this music for a moment...
That unit had
a whole ridge wide open.
You know, we can still show
those young bucks a trick or two, huh?
I don't even want to talk about that slimy,
selfish, insensitive gutter worm!
Oh? And exactly what was that?
- Thanks for the warning.
- Hey, what are friends for?
I brought some records for us to listen to.
I know you're going to love them."
Hunnicutt, what a good idea!
- but do you really think she'll fall for...
Look, Zurilli, this is very important
for the good of everybody involved.
My C.O. Ordered us to keep
clear of that ridge...
What's the use? Even if we had,
it'd just get whitewashed along the way...
Of course not. You're far too gracious
for such pettiness.
and I'll tie your arms and legs in a bowknot
and stuff you in my footlocker!
I really cherish
the friends I got left...
That ungrateful bubble-brain bimbo!
- What do you want?
Perhaps you'd be more comfortable
listening to your music in Margaret's tent.
It's called "Kindertotenlieder."
So, where did you go to high school?
I was thinkin' maybe we should spend
a little of that time talkin'.
Aired 34 years ago - Jan 24, 1983
A military strategist refuses to accept responsibility for the war games that have mortally wounded his own son. And Margaret develops laryngitis, as she is about to meet her hero, Dr. Chesler.
to expand the nurses' duties in triage.
- [Man] Whoo, whoo!
- [Wolf Whistle]
Good morning, Major. If you don't mind
my saying so, hubba-hubba.
- [Grunting Continues]
- Uh, Doctor, I believe you're being paged.
- Is that a coincidence or does
the theory of relativity apply?
- He's my son.
All they told me was
that you were wounded.
- What you would've done, sir.
- I think he's had enough excitement for now.
- All right, Doctor.
- has resulted in a rather nasty case of laryngitis.
- [Hoarsely] No.
- Meeting Dr. Chesler after, personally.
Never expected a reply. He wrote...
Your starry-eyed admiration for the good doctor
would have left you speechless anyway.
Shut mouth. Use pencil.
It's not uncommon.
If the odds are one in a hundred,
it means I'll have to stay right here.
Colonel Broder's been put
on alert at Headquarters, sir.
- If there's anything you need...
- No, no, my trailer has everything I need.
- Please hurry. I can't tie up the phone long.
- [Spits, Coughs]
What do you want with me now?
but who is unfortunately suffering
from a rather severe case of laryngitis.
Uh, she's "always felt that you are the"...uh...
Dr. Chesler has had
to change his plans suddenly.
Uh-huh. Oh, thank you.
Hold on a minute. How is he?
Wonderful. That means
I'll have lots of work to do.
That'll be 10 days in
the stockade for you...
It's hard to get comfortable in this rig.
However, if it matters that much to you, go.
It's not gonna kill you.
"Dr. Chesler, must cancel. Very sorry.
Perhaps another time."
Margaret, I don't believe
you've met Dr. Chesler.
Ah. Why are you here?
You know, I don't know whether
it's your dedication to your job...
Now, look, Broder.
Other times he'd...
he'd get all skinned up, but he kept tryin'.
That night he came to me
and he said, uh...
But there are too many
to really remember.
They thought he was
pretty special too.
You may find this
hard to believe, Pierce...
And... that's what got him killed.
Aired 34 years ago - Jan 10, 1983
The 4077th faces a sleepless night as Charles's snoring keeps B.J. and Hawkeye from counting sheep. Meanwhile, Colonel Potter discovers that his son-in-law, Bob Wilson, has had an affair.
I seem to remember something in there
about hell freezing over.
mostly out of melted-down
It's a little hand-carved picture frame
that the local folks make...
I was gonna give you
a tour of the camp right off...
- That's right. You did. You sneezed.
- Gentlemen, how astute.
which, in certain circumstances,
can lead to snoring.
He was friendly.
He was polite.
He thought you were kind of grumpy.
It's getting kind of late.
I think I'd like to turn in.
Pierce, any idiot can make snoring noises
into a tape recorder.
You go somewhere else!
I'd be more than happy to suggest a place.
Hello. Yes, this is the 4077.
You know, Evy and I took Stuart
to the horse show over in Dry Fork last month.
I think it'd be good
for the whole family.
No. I'm not all that hungry.
You go ahead.
Well, I was working
on Sunday's sermon.
You sure do have
nice handwriting, Padre.
if you put away all that baloney about
the one-legged man and the wheelbarrow...
uh... a rendezvous.
Mrs. Wilson right now
is back home in Missouri...
I'm not going to sit by
and watch her be made a fool of.
But I've lived in a war zone
for a long time now...
And it's not some army wife
I never met.
- I'm on a break.
- Oh. Very well. I see. Uh...
There is the slightest
possibility that I am not...
Oh. Good heavens, Major.
What if all this malarkey is true...
watching roller derby?
- Well, thank you, Father.
- Speaking as one whose ancestors...
Why should I take it personally?
I didn't say I snored,
merely that I was accused of it.
I just needed to talk to you
Evy, uh, I was wondering.
Is everything okay with you and Bob?
I think a pony's
a wonderful idea.
Oh, no, you don't.
I am sick and tired of playing this game.
is in no way an indication...
first your rank,
then your knees.
and I was about to start my first job
at the V.A. In Springfield.
and the thought ofhaving
a little something to eat together...
she sensed what had happened.
Aired 34 years ago - Jan 03, 1983
A United Nations delegation tours the 4077th - a Swede, a Hindu, and a British officer - and each leaves a lasting effect on the men and women of the camp.
Uh, our summer place
is in the Berkshires...
I'm off to lunch.
Mmm. My little girl's
name is Erin.
Yoga is a wonderful way
of relieving inner tension.
- What are you, a swami too?
- No, no. Far from it.
Oh, Mr. Johannsen?
Uh, let me fix a tray for you.
Perhaps you've heard of it.
Uh, uh, Le Pied du Cheval in Bordeaux?
- I see.
- Uh, you don't look very happy...
Captain, under normal circumstances,
I would be overjoyed...
What's the problem?
Uh, I was wounded.
Nerve damage has left me impotent.
- Are you all right, sir?
But if you got a headache, shouldn't you
stay off your head for a few days?
we have to go to work in here.
Well, good night, Per.
It's been a pleasure talking to you.
Oh, I was so looking forward
to talking to you.
I can't tell you how many times I've read
The Little Mermaid and Hans Brinker.
if I'm premier of Russia,
NATO will return my phone calls.
Uh. Well, uh...
- However, this bottle will have to do.
but this has the unmistakable nose
of Folle Blanche.
I couldn't bring myself
to believe that he might lose the leg.
Pierce, you seem a trifle edgy.
Forgive me, Captain, but only through
accepting others for what they are...
at the U.N. Building
in New York.
What are you reading?
I guess your work takes you
all over the world, huh?
I'm really very tired.
I would like to go to sleep.
that I've let myself
get so close to a woman.
I'd really rather not.
I just realized that shortly...
The Rape of the Daughters
My brain is not a map.
It's my father's employer's villa.
you have been outclassed...
Aired 34 years ago - Dec 20, 1982
When an Olympic runner assigned to the 4077th fails to materialize, Father Mulcahy must save the camp's honor in a high-stakes footrace against the 8063rd.
Captains, I've been
adding up some numbers.
- You? How come?
- I'd do anything to get even
with their head nurse...
I'm in for a week's pay.
How about you stiffs?
Klinger, try to remember this.
God knows the only reason I came
to Korea was for the money.
He's in the truck. I still think we should
have gotten a band for this occasion.
People mix us up
all the time.
I didn't bet,
and I don't like you anyway.
Fools who will soon be
parted from their money.
And how about you, Palmer?
You nice and comfy?
Hell, I should have known better than
to give any kind of responsibility to a dummy.
- I'm afraid...
- Just answer the questions!
Training for something like this is brutal.
You can't believe the pain.
Earl "Jackrabbit" LeMasters.
- And so will these two doctors. Won't you?
- We're in this deep enough.
You men. You always worry
about little things.
Come on, Father.
Four miles is nothing.
[Hawkeye] Nothing keeps a runner's legs
in shape like skipping rope.
You sure you wouldn't like to eat
some more before I take your tray?
Hey, Palmer, she likes you.
No. I'm off duty
in about an hour.
for an attractive woman.
In my own case, heck, the Studebaker will last
Mildred for another couple of years.
Okay, you'll be racing from here
to the orphanage and back.
This ain't no sissy sprint,
Uh, Lieutenant, would you bring that
wheelchair over here for me, please?
- Sherm, this fish has already
been boned and fried.
- And eaten.
- Ever since he was a noncom.
You have an I.Q.
That is well above average.
- [Scoffs] N-N-Name one.
- I'll name you several.
Th-This is real l-l-leather.
I can't take this.
- It's for a good cause.
- Oh, yeah?
Last night was the beginning of
the s-s-symphony s-s-s-season.
- He's catching him! He's catching him!
- [All Shouting]
Well, Crocker, we may have the catfish,
but you got scrod. [Laughs]
Aired 34 years ago - Dec 13, 1982
With the camp facing prohibition, and a severe medical supply shortage, during another heat wave, Hawkeye resolves to lift morale by importing a racy new movie.
Oh, the head dunderheads.
- You people do good work.
- Thanks, General.
I'm not doubting it. But you do
have your own speakeasy here, don't ya?
I don't know that at all.
Very funny. You'll be laughing at my funeral.
I tell you, I'm gonna die.
- You don't wanna get pneumonia.
- Thank you.
That's because it's also the last round.
- What's the big deal? We'll all go to Rosie's.
is that we're able to drink
and forget we're here.
No, you won't. It's gone.
Indeed, I did. But, alas, I had to leave
when the film broke...
"The Moon is Blue,
starring David Niven, William Holden...
when he refused to delete
sexually explicit scenes and dialogue."
Well, Bannister did
everything he could, but it's no-go.
- What are you, crazy?
- You guys can't go in there.
- Perfect. Can you say that again, louder?
- What's goin' on?
- We're returning your movie.
'Cause I store film here.
You gotta keep this stuff cool, babe.
All right, all right.
But you guys work the front lines.
Will you guys beat it?
You're startin' to bother me.
nay, offended, that you would
even make such an offer.
The phony little creep
won't take my calls.
- Does this mean we're not having lunch, babe?
- With a girl. Now I gotta call her.
One of these can give you more confidence
than all the deodorants ever produced.
B-5. That's "B," as in blessed, 5.
I even sang them a few choruses
of the four-letter serenade.
Not much I can do.
It's a game of luck. Come on, B-4.
No. No. Nevertheless,
it came from my side of the pile.
Looks to me, Major,
like somewhere out there...
those are Major Winchester's beans.
- [Crowd Murmuring]
- I think we ought to take five.
As of now, the pharmacy is closed!
- That's why I wanted to see ya.
I needed some more.
- More. Look, Klinger...
He's just a middleman.
- Uh, no.
[Laughs] And I'll be
his first phone call.
But to show you I'm a sweetheart,
I'm gonna send ya a print of State Fair.
Birds, bars and clusters
mean nothing to this guy.
Hey, that's great.
I knew you could do it.
They have no medicinal value whatsoever.
It's all in your head.
The ones with no
medicinal value whatsoever?
Won't they be thrilled?
Aired 34 years ago - Dec 06, 1982
Hawkeye and the crew surprise Colonel Potter with a party to commemorate Mildred's final payment on the couple's mortgage.
"One day I checked the bankbook,
and lo and behold...
"but tell Sherman
that while you're burning the mortgage...
Now look, if something's wrong,
I wanna know about it.
If you fellas don't wanna tell me,
there's nothing I can do.
- Twenty-seven dollars.
Yes. Yes, they did.
They fired the entire staff.
B. J. And Charles are the fix-up committee.
Okay. We've all got our assignments.
We'll reconvene at 1800 hours.
- Ha! Don't be silly. Why would Peg write Hawkeye?
That's the same thing she said when she put
the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson.
with where I'm gonna be living out
my retirement years?
- Colonel, it's not...
- And above all, I don't wanna live on the water.
Was that the phone ringing?
MASH 4077. This is he.
She bought the damn boat!
She bought the damn boat!
- I get so lonely without you.
- Out of my way, Sergeant.
If there's two days, then she's an O.R. 2.
You know how hard it is
to find skilled labor during wartime.
I wonder if I should
go get the colonel now.
- Anything I can do?
- Yeah. Stick your head in that door
and holler for a corpsman.
but when I got into this jeep,
I didn't think it was all that serious.
- Good piece of thinking.
- It is?
[Woman, Nasal Voice]
Hello? Is this Colonel Sherman T. Potter?
- How long will you be, Hawkeye?
- Just a few minutes. Don't start without me.
Chances are he's gonna be fine,
but right now, he's lost function in his legs.
I don't know about you guys,
but if the looey can't walk again...
Lady, a few more of your "few minutes,"
and I'm gonna need a shave.
Klinger, this operator
is a mental midget.
- [Together] Where are you going?
- To my tent.
"So, after the man had confessed
to a healthy number of indiscretions...
Yeah, I get... I get it, Father.
I just don't like it.
- I better go see what's keeping 'em.
- Oh, my goodness. I didn't realize.
- It's all right, Father.
The best medical opinion
I can give you is he might.
If I'd had better aim the first time,
then that wouldn't have been murder.
isn't gonna help me walk again.
You do everything
you can for him.
Then you get in there
and sit on that phone.
This is what Mildred sent you?
- Look at what you folks did.
Aired 34 years ago - Nov 28, 1982
Posing the theory that people will believe in anything, Charles and Hawkeye start a rumor that Marilyn Monroe plans to visit the 4077th, which gets everyone excited. Meanwhile, B.J. feels responsible when he's unable to rescue a wounded soldier, and is less than impressed when he is presented with a Bronze Star.
Well, not all of Korea,
just this unit.
- That's the one. Yeah.
- Wait a minute. I'm the company clerk.
Gotta admit, everything you say
makes perfect sense.
Look, I know it's a secret, but we're on
the same side of the secret.
Son, that conversation
just gave my ears whiplash.
It is not a rumor, sir.
One moment, please.
Oh, you heard it about it
through channels, huh?
General, mi unit es su unit.
- Too bad about the fishing trip.
- Ah, well.
He can't make it. I'm gonna go
down there, and you can pull us both out.
They'll kill us all if we stay here.
Cut the rope.
[Man On P.A.] Attention all personnel.
The bad humor truck is in the compound.
- You saw my buddy.
- Not your buddy. Another guy.
I've been thinking about this.
A star of her magnitude...
I don't think it's such a great idea.
As a matter of fact...
His pulse is thready, and his blood pressure
is 70 over 40.
Hey, Doc. I just wanted
to say good-bye.
When this rumor was born, you were
one of the physicians in attendance.
of someone who I know
is not arriving.
And without Marilyn Monroe,
all you're gonna have is... bunting.
to see if anyone meeting that descr...
I want Miss Monroe to see him with
a glossy coat. What can I do for you?
- What'd you do?
- Nothing I want a medal for.
I know that, but the private here
doesn't know that.
If you don't do something long before
General Schwerin gets here...
I have to hunt up the sheet music to
"Hooray for Hollywood."
It is. Uh, do you have a switchboard operator
there named Mabel or Mavis?
Oh, uh, who is this?
Uh, Ted Williams.
Down! Down there. I don't get...
My greatest thrill in sports?
You idiot! I thought you knew
all those worthless things.
- How about this one? Adamenko.
- Oh, no, that's not the man.
Yeah. Right over here.
General, glad you could come down
and join us for a little stargazing.
Maybe you'd like to
hear it in its own words.
"to doctors who saved
my cousin, Whitey.
I brought a special something along
to present in front of Miss Monroe...
- Take five, boys!
- ## [Stops]
and getting out
with my butt in one piece.
Aired 34 years ago - Nov 22, 1982
Hawkeye volunteers to deliver the eulogy for a dead nurse that he briefly dated, and belatedly discovers her deep feelings for him.
- You're a cautious businessman.
I like that in a partner.
Oh, I hope we're not going home.
I still have some things at the laundry.
somehow wandered off the road and...
Yeah, that's what I had in mind.
I'll take care of it, Colonel.
Lord knows it's not the first time.
Yes, well, that's what I thought.
where all you do is just
fill in the blanks.
No, it's got to be more than that.
It's gotta say something about Millie.
I'd say good-bye to her and toss off
a couple of wisecracks and, uh...
Entertaining prospective partners.
Now can we get on with this?
I have some meaningless, trivial business...
Please, Major, it's already
past this guy's bedtime.
the word "stupidity"
was without a definition.
- Margaret, can I talk to you for a minute?
Had a background
in thoracic surgery.
Uh, well, she wasn't here
all that long.
I'm sure the other nurses
must have known her better.
She usually volunteered for the night shifts,
so I hardly ever talked to her.
- Yeah, what we had of it.
- I don't think I understand. What do you mean?
Yeah, I know, but you lived with her.
You must have talked about something.
She was a good nurse.
You like it?
Oh, well, that explains that.
Well, not much of anything.
- I like to give him a punch.
- Got a better one?
- It is... simple.
you may just have captured
the essence of stupidity.
- Now you're thinkin' big.
- You come right along with me,
Sergeant, over to my tent.
I'm having a real problem
with this eulogy.
As summary court officer,
I was obliged to read it.
Maybe someday I'll be able to get up
the courage to tell Hawkeye how I feel.
She was head nurse of
the thoracic surgery unit at Letterman.
She never let on. Well, I was
so busy being casual about things...
"Dear Uncle Amir:
Of course it's stupid.
You told me that's what you loved about it.
She was working on the night shift,
so n-no one was around to see it. L-
she looked upon us with
a kind of awe that...
but it was because,
as Millie wrote so often...
Aired 34 years ago - Nov 15, 1982
Tired of reminders about Trapper John's skill as a practical joker, B.J. bets Hawkeye he can prank everyone present.
[Chuckles] I must admit.
That's quite a joke there, Hunnicutt.
We had wash hung out to dry.
I'll bet if old Trapper were here now...
When does it start?
Then I guess
the tables would be turned.
What's going on!
Getting a little nervous, Hawkeye.
My, my, aren't we jumpy today?
- Sir, you're as green as your uniform.
Someone put shaving cream...
Far be it from me to grouse
when I get got.
to swap an M.D.
With the 8063rd for a day.
Enough already. I'll go.
It will get me out of the line of seltzer fire.
- I work here. I'm relieving you.
- Oh, right.
Yeah. Well, forget it.
It's not gonna work.
- I must do my job.
- Yeah. And I must do mine.
Needless to say,
I wasn't wearing my fatigues at the time.
You don't have
a shred of decency.
and a father with a short temper
and a quick jab.
- You'd like that, wouldn't ya?
Well, what's the "slop" de jour?
So, the carrots and peas are good, huh?
You say the carrots
and peas are good...
He's not gonna
have me for lunch.
Look at him.
You poisoned a priest.
Four from six is, uh, two.
Isn't it, Hawk?
- Pork chops. Did you have the pork chops tonight?
That's great, Doc.
I guess you thought
I'd get a real bang out of this, huh?
You really should relax.
You're getting very edgy.
Start down there at the far end.
- Hey! What are ya...
- It's not even good acting.
- He Japanese!
Nice try, Beej. I gotta hand it to ya,
the ploys are getting sicker and sicker.
Klinger, relax. It's me.
I admire your courage, if not your intelligence.
- What happened?
- I went to file away your reports.
Always a good sport, Father.
My, my, Mr. Close-But-No-Cigar.
Well, now I...
I wouldn't exactly say that.
- Did you see my file go blooey?
- Or try my lunch?
it was an honor to be part of it.
Aired 34 years ago - Nov 08, 1982
The Army tries to get a North Korean pilot to defect, and Charles gets a rude shock when he falls for a French nurse with a Bohemian past.
Allow me to introduce myself.
- Please excuse us.
- Okay, okay. Fine. Fine.
Yeah. The French aren't on my side.
I much prefer it to the Louvre.
I love the impressionists.
And my mother used to take me...
- Please. Uh...
We got dressed as elegantly
as we were able...
And then he looks down
and suddenly... [Imitating Fall And Crash]
Well, he wasn't in his bed all night,
so where else could he have been?
- Well, it's about time.
- Put her there, Major.
He says he wants to go home.
Never heard of Mark Clark.
And you can keep your money.
Tell the ungrateful fool
he can forget about home.
- It's bonsoir now.
- Yes? May l...
quite know how to do it.
because I have not felt that close
to a man for more than a year.
The memories are still alive.
Ah. Oh, by the way.
This handsome pinstripe
suit with two... two pair of pants.
Now leave him alone.
Look, fellas. I'd like to have a hero who loves us.
That was my first choice.
So you just stay here. And you two,
take real good care of our boy.
What he's offering
the lieutenant is a better life.
One day we went
to the countryside near Honfleur...
Phillipe, he owed quite
a bit of money at a bistro...
I was never married.
I would like to come
to your country.
Uh, yeah. Yes.
At least I thought she was because
she could pronounce boulangerie.
Can't understand it.
been very nice company.
No, thank you.
giving her the gate...
would like to talk to you.
Huh? Oh, yeah.
Charles, have you
a moment to speak?
They could never understand
the life you've lived...
I can't change who I am.
because he was too much
a little boy.
Aired 34 years ago - Nov 01, 1982
It's Halloween at the 4077th, and the staff dons costumes and trade ghost stories. Father Mulcahy discovers a soldier alive that had been pronounced dead.
- Hello. I'm Dr. Winchester.
Oh. You seem to be a bit...
I can do that. Gadzooks!
- [Muffled Grunt]
- Oh! Now I see.
I could stick the thermometer
in your mouth.
- I shall pull all your teeth.
- Uh-uh! Uh-uh!
Be forewarned, Private Mosconi.
Now I know why cowboys
Some party guests have arrived
dressed as wounded soldiers.
- This kid's a Catholic. Where's Father Mulcahy?
- He's at the orphanage.
- Now what?
- Uh-oh. I'd better go check.
It's gotta be the generator.
One night back in '39,
Mildred had a dream...
"It's bad news, isn't it?"
There's more wounded
in the compound.
Compound leg fracture.
Prep him. And be careful.
Me and this corporal decided
to have a little jeep race... backward.
Unfortunately, I ran over
the whole chicken coop.
His compass is broken, there's no radio,
and there's a storm coming up.
The next day, when he told the Coast Guard
how he found his way back...
You haven't got a prayer,
even with the luck of the Irish.
The mine explosion drove it
right into this boy's leg like a spear.
- What have we got here?
- Shoulder wound, Doctor.
He's so thin, you could probably
just hold him up to the light.
After her husband's funeral, she decided
to take a picture of the car wreck...
could be in one room
at the same time.
Let's get this finished up as soon as possible.
We're shifting into overdrive.
I understand you have
a marine corporal here... Hrabosky.
We ain't only responsible for those chickens,
but for all the eggs they would've laid.
Yeah. Well, let's get him loaded up
and then get some coffee.
- I don't wanna hear it, Klinger.
- I don't wanna say it, sir.
It wasn't a jaw.
It was a fan.
When they finally withdrew,
our C.O. Was real proud of us.
I ate real fast...
gettin' my tray
loaded down again, and...
I'd be dead, too, if l...
You don't look
so invincible yourself.
Hi. I want to thank you
for taking up the time...
sometime in the future...
Aired 34 years ago - Oct 25, 1982
Margaret and her nursing staff are about to be inspected by Col. Bucholz. Meanwhile, Kellye is offended that Hawkeye is attracted to any nurse except her.
Okay, boys, let's cool down.
- [Horns Honking]
I traded 'em in at the evac
for brand new ones.
Great. When we're through doing this,
maybe we can dance.
how long it takes you
to get settled in after a bugout.
I want the nurses
to meet me in the O.R. In 10 minutes.
- Oh, good. You're in bed.
Get a good night's sleep.
- Thank you.
Thanks to you doctors,
I'm going to get thrown out of the army...
Track down everything
on this list and put it where it belongs.
Can I read the label on that box?
I have a cheek
with your cheek's name on it.
Whenever I look at you,
I hear that song.
The hinge is bent. That's all.
Takes three seconds.
Yeah. Sort of sick and tired.
- Who's going to do this?
- I'll do it, Major.
You know what you're doing wrong.
You're using the wrong flange.
I'll do it.
You go to the Officers Club.
Hi. If you're not busy later, I thought maybe
you and I could drag our feet together.
So, uh, you wouldn't
wanna dance or anything?
- The autoclave. I fixed it in no time.
- Oh, great.
- So why don't I buy you that drink now?
- Yeah. Sure. Great.
We used to practice
all the time in the backyard. [Giggles]
- I'd like to see your emergency trays.
- Right this way, Colonel.
Is this how you always keep
your emergency trays?
Maybe we should rearrange the patients
so all their wounds are lined up.
With Webster, she's unforgettable.
And me you treat like a rag mop.
Is that what this is about,
that I was a little distracted last night?
and a perky little nose
that would fit in a bottle cap.
Just a minute, Lieutenant.
What is this racket?
or I'll paste one on you.
- There are a number of things
I want to work on in here.
- Right, Major.
What is wrong, Margaret? Would you
like me to dust under my vegetables?
- Are you telling me I work my nurses too hard?
- If he's not, I will.
[Shari] That woman
is driving me nuts.
we could go for a ride in the car.
No, not your fried chicken.
Do you feel better?
- You have my notes on the supply room.
I brought these for you.