Aired 2 days ago - Jan 18, 2017
On the eve of Chinese New Year, Jessica pushes the entire family to settle all debts, disputes, and grudges to ensure good fortune for the coming year. Meanwhile, Louis and Evan go on a wild goose chase to hunt down some hate mail.
Really? You're just gonna stay inside?
Eddie will take good care of you.
♪ Why don't I organize my dress socks?
So? Your mom probably mailed it.
Get in here and take
care of your cousin.
Nobody knows who those people are!
and not my lucky red...
No, I want you to come to
the dry cleaner's with me
so I'm just gonna follow your lead.
We love them!
But just so you know,
as soon as the New Year is over,
You're at the bottom of the ocean.
built a bear?
It's kind of something
you do by yourself.
You know that? Jessie.
- What do I do?
- You stay here, relax,
- I'll be back in five minutes.
of Sports Illustrated in the mail.
Is that this week's or last week's?
Hey, cousin Eddie.
♪ If we're related, it's barely ♪
♪ I'm done babysitting,
I'll just give my money back ♪
♪ Well, the truth is,
I'm dumb nice ♪
♪ I'm in Orlando to see Mickey,
not a little Goofy rap ♪
and I sold cotton candy at the...
Why didn't you stick up for me?
Don't you believe me?
I just want our whole family
Okay, now let's go over the plan again.
You can't. They're crazy.
You've got to come strong.
We didn't get the letter back,
After a while, I got used to it.
Would you have settled
for anyone less than Mom?
Sing for your supper.
I am here to make
things right for my son.
My wife has... expensive tastes.
You're going to want to take my picture.
Aired 3 days ago - Jan 17, 2017
Louis forgets to thank Jessica in his acceptance speech when he's named Small Businessman of the Year; and Eddie, Emery and Grandma start their own clothing line.
how many of Deidre's Tupperware parties
You want to try Mitch
Okay, if that's what you want.
Well, I'm not gonna let
Grandma's hard work go to waste.
I am pretty sure the woman
by the door is Rene Russo.
And how about those mini quiches?
Am I right?
And most importantly...
I have to thank...
You stood up in front
of everyone we know
Hey, Louis! It's Deidre.
Congrats again on your award.
Got any room for my
phone number in there?
I do, but they don't.
You could be the face of the operation.
Just checking in,
seeing how you're doing.
but I think we can both
agree this is a real miss.
You would like that, wouldn't you?
from "Good Morning Orlando"!
and talk about winning Small
Businessman of the Year.
Principal Hunter! We were just...
There's no stopping us now.
We have one of our favorite
guests back with us today...
Oh, boy. They have a chili there
that makes you burn everywhere.
How do you win a piece
of hardware like that?
The person who deserves the most credit
We will bring you
How you holding up?
Well, it's nice to be appreciated.
I can't believe I didn't
thank Jessica again.
Then you got to bring out
the big guns... jewelry.
Marvin. You're a genius.
of the well-known German composer,
It's for Mom.
Why are you offering me juice?
Huang House edition.
Aired 17 days ago - Jan 03, 2017
During Jessica’s U.S. citizenship interview, she reveals shocking details about her past that even Louis was not aware of. Meanwhile, Eddie, Emery and Evan have a day off from school and attempt to take the family minivan out for a joyride.
Oh, we're not going to school today.
Oh, maybe during the entire
summer that they get off.
How often do we get a day off of school
This is a once in a
He does always banana my red shells.
I only have 45 minutes
and I will not go over.
Ha! As if.
Great, let's just wrap this up
with the pledge of allegiance.
You told me your first job was
selling sandwiches at Orioles games.
and I had to find a way
to stay in this country,
and Honey was giving me a
tour of the teacher's lounge.
That's why I started
wearing contact lenses.
Yeah, let's be honest.
It was at that moment I realized
I thought I knew everything about you.
♪ It's just that gangster glare,
with gangster raps ♪
but sometimes you really feel me, dawg.
and instead of stopping for lunch,
"For someone who
possesses superior talents
It was the night we met.
I wouldn't forget.
and she was allergic to octopus,
so I never got to eat octopus,
What are we gonna do?
Or we can call AAA to
come and unlock the car.
Jessica, if you're just a rebound,
Doug: Oh, my God, you put me in it?
♪ Listen to the wind blow ♪
No problem. I've got more.
♪ Never break the chain ♪
I'm sorry. That's not my problem.
Will you marry me?
I like that about you.
I wanted to join earlier,
but I didn't know how to talk
♪ Fresh from the meadow
with a mellow attitude ♪
♪ Had to get off
and walk 15 blocks ♪
Statute of limitations have passed.
and racial tensions were boiling over.
I'm never getting behind
the wheel of a car again.
My sinuses! I can't do this.
Aired a month ago - Dec 13, 2016
While the Huangs are out at the movies, Evan is accidentally left home alone, and Jessica vows to make it up to him. Meanwhile, Marvin takes a spill and is visited by Ghosts of Christmas Past, Christmas Present, and Christmas Future.
for me and Richard?
Yeah. Yeah, I can see him from here.
Yeah, I'll grab my spare
key and head right over.
[Groaning] Yeah. Ah, ow.
Oh, my poor baby.
and watch a 90-minute light comedy, too.
You know how I always get
you last year's best toy?
Lady, Tickle Me Elmos have been
sold out everywhere for weeks.
You can try checking
this rare-toy website.
I have to go to the bathroom.
Hey, Chili Boy Lou.
I get paid out for my injury,
But right now, I'm virile and angry.
You look like you've seen a ghost.
He lived here before we moved in,
Does nobody understand
how insurance works?
It's been really challenging.
I bet wrong she was gonna be
the hot item last Christmas.
and the other is a Christmas present
I already called, and everyone's
booked on such short notice.
Let's get you back home
and put some pants on you.
I needed Santa, not what, what...
And three, and four.
I made you a late-night snack.
You don't dream in Mandarin, do you?
Losing your friendship sent
Louis into a deep depression.
This is your funeral.
[Somber Latin music playing]
Tickle Me Elmo! You got one!
the Swahili word for gifts,
Aired 1 months ago - Dec 06, 2016
To celebrate their one-year anniversary, Eddie reluctantly agrees to take Alison to the see a modern remake of Romeo and Juliet. But when Louis and Alison's dad bond over their love of Shakespeare and crash their date, Alison wonders if she and
Eddie's relationship has lost its spark. Meanwhile, Jessica gets called for jury duty and campaigns to be the "Jury Boss," and Emery and Evan struggle with the responsibilities of raising a Tamagotchi digital pet.
Welcome to Orlando Superior Court.
the brassy squad secretary on
When the lawyers ask you questions,
at which point, its owner should
press a button to feed it,
We'll be the best moms since Mom.
It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.
When you care about someone,
you have to make sacrifices.
you said that serving on this jury
Thank you for joining us today.
Mine's Victor Sifuentes.
you sound just like the type of person
Then, I accidentally spit my
chewing gum on the sidewalk
Foreperson -- what's that?
I read about these in my anime magazine.
and they spend 25 minutes
trying to figure out
He looks like a giant baby with a beard.
- Let's go.
Really? No. I'd hate to impose.
Can I have some Goobers?
charged with eight counts of
arson in the second degree.
"We need a new Jury Boss.
Bailiff, please collect the bribes.
So, did you like the movie?
Us? What are you talking about?
♪ Like to tell me maybe ♪
and going out with you this past year
back when things were new and exciting.
Well, those are some
interesting closing arguments,
It's like she got sick of me.
Because at the end of the day,
Oh, for God's sake!
Yes, Your Honor.
That's a mistrial.
Any interest in going to Medieval Times
since those wildebeests trampled Mufasa.
I liked having such a cool friend.
Because men couldn't hug.
Aired 2 months ago - Nov 29, 2016
Jessica is flummoxed when Evan attends church instead of accompanying her to Costco; Marvin treats Louis to a free teeth-whitening session; and Eddie and Emery become creative when getting rid of healthy cereal.
Hi, Marie. How's your cat, Sadie, doing?
At 5 cents a cubic-inch,
it's all our birthdays.
Tooth plaque is bad,
It's just, uh...
I should've bought those sunglasses.
That's my default way of speaking.
Give it a week. I'm sure it'll fade.
I can't go to Costco today.
It's fine. I'll just go to Costco alone.
Each one has a higher fiber
content than the last.
Like a Bad-Ass Cereal Treat.
Is yours getting any smaller?
Although I might have.
so this man Noah decided to build a boat
had the chance to let
all the snakes drown,
but I think I'd rather go to church.
Go ahead. Reveal that ivory curtain.
Hey, I did you a favor, as a friend.
No. They have no leads.
that he can't have with his own mother?
I do believe there's
something bigger out there.
I have a special message for you.
Uh... look, I know things
were awkward the other night.
No. Just a normal cap.
Just so we're clear,
only lasts four to six weeks.
Oh, no. I can make it less spicy.
So, how can I help?
I don't know.
Yes, he says it's fun,
everybody knows everybody,
Aired 2 months ago - Nov 15, 2016
Cattleman's Ranch hosts a Thanksgiving feast.
But we'll need extra help.
Well, it looks like all we have
left to do is the centerpieces.
and Marvin doesn't
believe in buying things
come over here for dinner,
like we did last year...
$18.99 for adults.
and that's when grades start to count.
through all the tests...
For grades that don't matter?
We can't risk this spreading.
And you're gonna start right now
with your family tree project.
Let's pretend that grades are important
What about Emery and Evan?
The restaurant might go to them.
"Oh, look in the ice cream cooler!
There's an ogre!"
Dad, get on board with me and Mom.
This is our reward
after years of struggle
It's an invisible dog on a leash.
different sizes of maize,
different colors of maize,
You guys are interested
in the restaurant, too?
You mean a bull. A cow's a girl.
[Sighs] This is great.
should take a trip to Vegas.
Why don't you walk around and
remind people about the raffle?
Yeah, tell us. We want to learn.
Let's open up two big cans.
Ask my niece... I am not good with kids.
I'm 30 feet up in a tree blind,
soaked in deer urine.
I didn't do a lick of work. [Chuckles]
I had a kid who looks a lot like you
Two people you know very well,
Grandma: Come on!
Pecan... your favorite.
Now I don't have to learn
either of their names.
Did you rig this?
I am so Thanksgiving.
5...4... 7... 1...
Uh, and here's your prize now.
It's just that a fresh turkey
Okay. Why are you so upset?
because it's convenient
for his school protest.
Aired 2 months ago - Nov 01, 2016
Jessica suspects an employee is an undocumented alien.
Aired 3 months ago - Oct 25, 2016
Louis tries to get Jessica into the Halloween spirit.
I don't know. Something good.
Chill, chill. How's high school?
to Jewel in the Jag!
I will have some free-time
to work on my novel...
Jessica, you should stop by later.
I guess not.
We can't both be Indiana Jones.
where I can feel the
earth beneath my feet.
Two... I haven't' sat on Evan in over...
You love Stephen King,
and he's all about horror.
That sounded like a challenge to me.
Only the gas of productivity.
a real head wouldn't sever that cleanly.
Wesley Snipes from
"White Men Can't Jump."
What are you doing here?
Jessica, you won't believe this.
Right, on the very property
I am not Reba.
I am Anastasia Zinx from Poland!
Famous house guest Kato Kaelin.
Then give me back Deidre's wig.
Yeah. All right, bitches.
Besides, we're a crew.
Hey, it only takes two to start a party.
'but so is a knife to the brain.'"
Shoes stuck in the wheel well.
to cover up any dents
this kid may have caused.
Good Eddie impression. Bye.
What about the beer?
Eddie's free to go,
no need to be mad at him.
Can't believe we missed
He could have come home
addicted to drugs or pregnant.
then I came home, and there was no tree.
I wanted you there,
I just want to be a team again.
You leave up your Christmas
lights till forever,
Aired 3 months ago - Oct 18, 2016
While showing Emery the ropes on his first day of middle school, Eddie reveals how he convinced the staff into believing fake Chinese customs that provide special privileges; Louis hires a housekeeper to help lighten Jessica's load at home.
Aired 3 months ago - Oct 11, 2016
Louis takes the entire family to Taiwan to patch things up with Gene; Louis wonders if life in Orlando is as good as it could be in Taiwan; Jessica takes Eddie, Emery and Evan to her childhood locales.
And their son... Wei.
Mm. And she's still bossing me around.
It's funny because it's so
close to my normal aesthetic,
"Built in 1973 to house
I know. That's why we flew
halfway across the world.
- We flew direct.
[Sobbing] You spent so much.
How about now?
She's working at the temple.
That's my Margaret.
I've heard so much about you.
Yes, we are almost there.
Okay, no sweet blood, no
pamphlets, no complaining.
But I can tell you right now, I love it.
We had to act out a scene
where we hated each other.
We heard about your failure
today at the soup place, Jessica.
I'm gonna write another fax to Alison.
"Total number of pages,
including this one... one."
This is your apartment? [Chuckles] No.
Dad, are we poor?
[Camera shutter clicking]
What?! Don't send that
up! I'm sending it up!
to your stupid grudge
about me going to America
but they just can't
stop giving me kisses.
Don't worry. She'll stop us.
Moms! Thank you!
♪ Bow down before I make a phone call ♪
♪ Bow down ♪
I forget there's always
a second location.
and had our reception
at a car dealership.
It'd be great to stay
for the whole summer,
but he's proven unable to
present a positive message.
- ♪ Still mine? ♪
What are you talking about?
isn't as fun as I remembered.