Veep

With the administration in full crisis mode, Selina and her staff try to cope.

- as much as the next person, but... - Right.

It's not gonna be easy with this big, gangly

- No, it hasn't. - It has. I'm getting out.

Good. Go ahead.

Why'd you leave anyway? You get stuck with your dick in the veep's decaf?

Oh, fucking God, thank you for stopping.

- Huh? - He isn't going to run again in two years.

Ben, I am crying

Oh, stop it, Nervous Nelly.

And then I get in the Senate

Not reelection. Election at that time.

Then we'll find out whether it's flammable or inflammable.

But I shall be right here if you need me.

Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Bam!

They're celebrating

I've said no to everything, ma'am. I am here for you.

Well, you're just gonna have to tell her you're not gonna do that.

Okay, you go deal with that and you cover for Gary, okay?

- Uh-- uh-- - No, no, no, it's all about crazy money, Ame.

Hey, what's wrong?

No, Brett, it's further down. That's the Sardo, buddy.

Sorry, not black truffle. I meant white truffle.

Amy, this is really happening.

Accidental dick move.

Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

Let's do this one first. This is a mappable social media cloud for pets.

Seriously, 'cause there's a lot of money there.

Chill out. I lost my charger. You got one?

I might have mixed up a couple words, but...

Don't fuck this up. This is a public relations nightmare waiting to happen.

made its way into a veep speech via me.

I didn't know you did voices.

which means I won't be running for a first term.

There are plenty of Dans out there, Dan.

Oh, I think someone just suicide bombed their own future.

Honestly, it's so out of line.

Do you want to fill me in as to what's going on right now?

I'll fix that.

There's a lot of security and he doesn't like a lot of people around.

Jonah, why don't you put the kids in my office?

Today I've set up an exploratory committee

Okay? I'm gonna take myself off the ticket.

All possible statements that you can even think of.

We're so fucked. We're so fucked.

- That explains a lot to me. - Likewise.

Whoa, whoa! Ma'am, give me the straight poop here.

- We've got a lot of work. - Yep, a long road ahead.

The Veep continues her plans. Dan attempts to play both sides of the Selina-Danny Chung rivalry.

We're gonna need a bigger bag!

Just like I said, get Dan.

You smell that? Money.

Look, I have no idea who that is, so, no.

- Sue? - You know, the Aretha Franklin song?

- Okay. - Don't move.

She's stuck on a call with the Australian ambassador.

I learned in Iraq that the road to respect

Dan, the vice president just walked through a glass door.

Good to see you've calmed down.

- Good. - What would I even say?

I didn't want to do that because she's already on St. John's Wort.

Who has the presidential suite?

- Come on, sit here. - Okay, that's nice.

They're about to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

That would solve all of my validation issues with my dad.

- ( Laughing ) - It's true.

this morning's meet and greet breakfast, okay?

Okay, well, the VP's office can be very insubordinate.

Okay, and my name isn't Jonad!

Uh, couldn't say.

Jonad!

She's coming to my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.

is reacting to her antidepressants.

Honestly, I would take half just to get rid of the damn thing.

I've had my stomach pumped before.

Okay, decision. Listen up.

Hanoj.

( Snoring )

Why are you just listing hats?

I didn't want you to think I'm hiding anything.

Oh, no,

to magic away any presidential speculation, okay?

Why are you laughing?

Seriously, I am totally overqualified for this job.

to "jalapeño."

and I am not hanging around to be his fucking paddle.

She looks like Marcel Marceau.

Dan: He's behind her. She's never gonna see him.

It looks bad.

Jonah, you go down to the race site,

- Please, get me Gary again. - You know what? Pull over here.

I'm way behind.

Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?

Ma'am, I need you to speed up or slow down.

After being prepped for a “puff piece” interview at the VP residence, Selina is thrown by Janet Ryland’s “gotcha” questions.

Gary, we're all set up, so if you can...

- Is that so? - Mm-hmm.

Anyway, have you met my daughter?

We're talking about the building, right?

To see spies.

on how he endangered the lives of those young students.

Yeah, I thought we said that the spy thing

- Mm-hmm. - This is some old shit

- But that looks like I have a stomachache. - Thank you so much.

It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.

with you and your ex-husband Andrew

And, really, she can move on from Andrew.

and peer through a fucking newspaper. What the fuck are you doing?

Then she gets on and she tells this dildo to look it up.

Would it surprise you to learn that only moments ago

And then there's one of those winking emoticons

- Let's take a - Oh! Let's take a-God!

When Selina told me who was gonna be interviewing me,

Once again, Andrew, you have totally

Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this?

I'm so sorry. We're not gonna do that.

Once a week we get together for a gab and a gobble.

- To the American people it is. - It's a very long process.

Oh, I just got off the phone with the White House

The resolution took less time than you anticipated.

No, but can you talk us through the final agreement?

and watch you all prepare this meal.

Well, you probably have so much staff in and out of here--

Here you go. Use that for the carrots.

and some arugula salad.

We don't need any more.

What's your favorite meal that you can't wait to have?

- I think it does sound familiar. - Completely useless.

No. Speak for yourself.

I just need to reiterate with you.

And has it been a happy divorce for you, Catherine?

They're like the Beatles, you know, better as a band

Why the fuck-- why are you still talking to me, huh?

- What the fuck just happened? - Antique windows. Bring it down.

Here's time, here's her fucking career.

- White water rafting. - Italy.

I didn't want to give it to you before your interview.

- Say it. - I want to own it.

- Iranian? - It's second generation American Persian.

Yeah, um, it's--

I suppose that the vice president

I, too, would like to refrain

With D.C. in the midst of a government shutdown, Selina is forced to furlough some of her staff. A damaging story leaks about Selina’s ex-husband, Andrew; Danny Chung takes advantage of the shutdown; Gary Jonah go on a run to retrieve Selina’s trash.

You're pregnant? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I did not mean that.

It is a city where women are literally drunk all day.

Do Washington's overpaid lawmakers

Amy: That was not a good idea, Gary.

I'm sorry, ma'am. I didn't mean to do that.

Yeah. Speaking of which...

- Honestly? - Yeah.

( Doors open )

- So, our trash? - Your trash?

It would throw up some interesting light effects.

- Sure, that sounds like fun. - Great.

Selina: Boy, I had forgotten

I'm not. I was thinking of the 18th century.

- Do you not know? You haven't. All right. - I have not seen...

Okay, first of all, I did not hear that subtext.

and with all those stories about your ex-husband,

you're a lot older than me.

- as an opportunity. - Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna go chicken salad and a Diet Coke.

Right. That's what I was... then he must have goaded him.

Forgot my noise-cancelling headphones.

but it has been the job of the VP over the ages

You've got to get your press guys on this, okay?

So you're really not gonna eat that lobster?

Okay, I think the lobster

But I'm very impressed that you would turn on

Does that make sense?

He's still getting the garbage.

Even the food.

let's talk about all these stories going around

Yeah, I got a pretty impressive deck of cards here, ma'am.

- All right. - ( Laughs )

For some sort of senior position in his administration?

Hey, did you ever see "Silence of the Lambs"?

You make such a good point.

No, ma'am.

My mess on your dress. I like this... sorry.

- Jonah: Who buys a coupe? - Sue: Oh, gross.

She's a big fan of yours, though. You should talk to her.

See, I need more of that on my team.

- Ma'am? - Dan, your 15 minutes of furlough are over.

They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.

Ma'am, look, I had no choice in this.

Gary mentioned you might be able to get my passport renewal fast-tracked.

Could you get in touch

that I could not get you the widow.

Catherine's 21st birthday party becomes a forum for Selina's budget negotiation with the majority leader, but Amy and Gary are more worried how Selina will handle seeing her ex-husband. Meanwhile, Mike discusses Selina's role in the Uzbek hostage crisis with the press.

How about a 10% cut to NIH, okay?

- Have you ever noticed that? - Really? Is that so?

No, she's pretending to cough herself inside out.

- We've got to finish this tonight. - Yes, we do, tonight.

I just saw Mary King. Looked like she's been thrown up by a whale.

Okay, that's a fire hazard, so let's just...

- Oh, fuck. - Ma'am.

Version two-- Mary King steals peace pipe,

that he bought with Catherine's trust fund money.

That would hurt.

- She's like... - Yeah, exactly.

- Don't you think? - Okay, you can't wear a bra with that one.

Hey, is the vice president here?

- DC. - Yes, yes.

Not the guy at a bus station with a bucket, right?

Pleasantly talking to other people?

- How are you? - Wonderful to see you, Congresswoman.

- What did he just say? - I don't know.

- Yeah. - And one of them is a designated driver

What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.

- Uh-huh. - With the coral and the fish.

My answer would be Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh, my God! I'm sorry.

Happy 21st birthday, Catherine!

I mean, I know I'd like to nail you up against a wall.

Hey, gals. Gals, you need to keep it down, okay?

Amy and Ed work for the VP,

Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.

Hi, everyone. I just wanted to say

And I think sometimes we need to just take time.

Ooh, and happy birthday,

- You're forgetting energy. - Of course.

Jesus, 21-year-olds move fast.

with Andrew and that our relationship is a sham.

That's a lie, right?

Deal, boom. Party, boom.

Besides, Andrew and I, we get along just fine.

- Also starting free diving. - Really? What is that?

Your mother is an excellent flirt.

How long have you not been listening to me?

Forgive me, I was just anticipating your order.

So, Ed. Eddie.

I understand that you guys have a love-hate relationship,

Catherine, please. Nobody's having sex on the table.

That's my credo.

Um, the head of PR

Do you have any idea how the press is all over me right now?

We want to end up with the winner at the end.

Selina and her staff head to Helsinki to finalize a trade agreement, but are worried whether Selina will be received warmly in Europe. Dan call Mike for advice on charming the press and Mike leans on Jonah for help. Ken and Ben argue over how to deal with new intel.

I realize it's below freezing here in Helsinki,

The vice president is here to sign a trade agreement

- Yeah, what was with that British reporter? - I know.

Selina, you looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?

Mike, sub the data principles

I am going to be taking soundings over the next 24 hours.

And don't make any jokes, okay, Dan?

It's not a small bag. Your hands are large.

to those who may have misinterpreted the song,

And lower your expectations. We will just be sleeping.

Okay, it's "Hyva Suomi." That's "Go, Finland."

- Oh, you'd like to go first? - Oh, we can...

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

that we give to you to reflect Finland's place

Ah, which is why I have recently launched

- Hi, Kent. - We have a problem, Mike.

And what is exactly going on here?

One of the hostages in Uzbekistan was a spy.

May I introduce, please, my husband?

But your communications director apologized specifically to me.

- Yes, ma'am. - Why are you still standing right here?

- and then apology cycle going. - Oh.

No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.

- for their sense of humor. - Clearly, yeah.

Office of the Vice President. It's 2:00 P.M., Sue.

I mean, I'm a fucking laughingstock.

Just keep her away from the press.

- I don't suppose that you... - Yes, that would be wonderful.

And it's number five, by the way.

Your Secret Service look about as tough as mine.

What?

- No, thank you. - No?

- Might want to... - Yeah.

Oh... I'll fucking say.

- POTUS groped you? - No.

We're gonna blow up Finland.

You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth.

Tell you what, Mike. I need you to add these summaries

Shows POTUS lying to the American people.

The president, the one I support,

What about the grope? I mean, come on.

That's right. Nobody can know about this.

I don't believe I've had a chance to introduce you to Gary Walsh.

but it's not bag man.

Kent wants me to add these regional summaries

dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the fucking ocean.

- We just got to stay calm. - Keep walking, avoid any...

Selina is rankled when the White House releases an unflattering photo of her. Mike and Kent bond over sailing; Jonah gets an executive parking space; Sue has a job interview. Selina takes steps to keep her staff happy as they prepare for her appearance at the Vic Allen dinner.

- No. - Dan: You have time to just sit there?

I know you had a job interview.

- Yeah. - No, we have no official comment.

This is Kent's doing.

- Vis-à-vis jowls. - What?

Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike,

I don't even know what you just said.

If there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone

Yes, absolutely, ma'am. Oh, and I will see you at the dinner tonight.

Let's do a new song about Kent.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag.

Let's follow Jonah.

And did you?

What? Really?

That's like half of what he should have, right?

Wow. I've never eaten with Gary before.

Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

- He has diabetes. - Oh, wow. That's a big one.

You're obsolete.

- ( Sirens blaring ) - ♪ 50 ways to win in Denver ♪

♪ Figure out the restaurant and everything. ♪

- She's a total gal's gal. - Oh, I can't wait.

No, it certainly does not.

I'm not going to mention the photograph.

Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility of a woman becoming president.

What the fuck are you talking about?

I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak.

All right, thank you.

L-l-ladies and gentlemen,

to the vice president for the part that she played

- I need a joke. I need a joke. - Thank you. Good night.

Okay, well, I'm gonna give this a shot.

♪ If you analyze elections, it's called psephology ♪

♪ Maybe the Germans, Herman ♪

I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it,

Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan.

Jonah will be making the trip as well.

You give no press briefings. Understood?

- Oh. Uh... - Yeah? Yeah?

Isn't that great? Would you ever describe a cheese as dusky?

Think about it. In "The Godfather," no cheese.

for all that you do for me.

No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout. It's fine.

"References to Europe in an ill-conceived song

- ( Laughs ) - And Mama likes.

- Calamari and zucchini? - Oh, that would be for Gary here.

Kent: Good afternoon, gentlemen.

"Within the last hour, the German chancellor

As a hostage crisis in Uzbekistan heats up, Selina and Secretary of Defense General Maddox have trouble getting on the same page at their joint appearance at the Marine Corps Base at Quantico. Sue testifies at a congressional hearing on governmental efficiencies; Dan and Gary jockey for the Veep's ear.

for three minutes and 35 seconds.

So you'd like me to tell the vice president we do nothing until then?

Hey, ma'am, you've got five minutes of veep time before Maddox arrives.

That's one of my favorite films. It's dark, but I like it.

- In anger, too, I might add. - Oh, uh-oh.

Yeah? Yeah.

Keep it dull, which incidentally, is also dull.

of your office budget dedicated to international

These fellas have heard a lot worse than that, ma'am.

versus political duties if we can.

Do you not have measures in place to prevent

I'm working remotely.

It's not your speech. My fingerprints are all over that sucker.

Explosive. Punchy. Fearless. I'm just saying words.

this great nation know this,

- Relieved. - No.

Do people not use sentences anymore?

Vice President Selina Meyer.

I said that's enough. Thank you.

Sue! No, the real Sue.

All right, I've got a bone to pick...

His word is "get-the-vice-president-over-here right-now-we're-having-a-fucking-meeting."

Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Calculated? That sounds so...

- We can move on the hostages. - Cock-a-noodle-doo.

- Office of the Vice President. - This is the vice president.

Well, gentlemen, the sixth it's gonna be.

Getting innocent Americans home safe and sound, right?

That's immoveable.

You have made a fuckup the size of France

This is my hostage rescue mission.

Well, the virtual sit room is right back there

What's up? I can see it. It's right here.

Oh, yeah. It's good. I'm still hunting for that big one.

- I know. - I think you mean, "So help you God."

And off you go. Maryanne.

That's great. For us, I mean.

I do solemnly swear...

So help me God.

- Let's black out till we drop. - Sorry, fellas.

This is so awesome. I'll bet you camera three gets a kill.

Old jumbo needs a refill. Excuse me.

So Sue's return to the hearing's wiped off the news map.

- Fi. - Fi. Fi, right.

Selina attends a pig roast in North Carolina as part of the president's "Listen to Rural America" initiative. Dan takes up Pilates to get face time.

to fuck the pig before they roasted it?

- Maybe if she landed at a different base-- - Gary.

- for a possible Senate run in the next year or so. - Seriously?

- I'm out of here. - I'm coming with you.

Local to here.

Mike, look at this.

- Ma'am. - Ugh.

When the VP rubs her right ear, an aide will tell her

I need an exit strategy

Gary: Oh. No...

All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli,

Well, howdy, y'all.

Ask and you shall receive.

( sighs ) If this were the '60s,

because I will deal with my daughter

I'm getting a lot of attention.

Okay, Catherine, you know

- Okay, Mike. - I mean he was--

While Israel's military non-occupation--

- Okay. - And--

I got all the time in the world.

They got a big Starbucks there.

That's fine. I can ride in a helicopter.

Mike, where are you?

- ...for the Jewish people. - Change the visual.

Jonah, Israel, Europe.

Jesus, he doesn't look like he's dying.

You're not blocking it. Bend down.

Son, that fucker is skinned and roasted.

that I just wanted to apologize for any erratic behavior

and get me a face-to-face with the veep now!

And they defecate with speed.

Yeah, she's really creative.

What in the living fuck is that god-awful smell, Jonah?

Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.

At work we actually call her Amiable Amy.

And then Mommy's out of a job.

And I did the math. I'll chase my student debt

It's "5 Broken Cameras."

- but you are my priority, okay? - Okay.

She's currently with her daughter.

- Yes. - Wednesday.

Apparently she bitch-slapped Furlong.

Amiable Amy? That is the best you could come up with?

And your parents were born here?

Fresh off successful campaign appearances for midterm elections, Selina sees an opportunity to expand her role, but must first curry favor with Kent Davison, the president's icy senior strategist. Meanwhile, there are new developments in the staff's personal lives.

My dad may have had a stroke.

can you imagine how stressed out he might be

Really? Am I that bad?

my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.

shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.

the American people overseas when they needed me.

- It seems... - Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout

- No. - Oh, my God.

- What did you buy? - A boat.

I sell a kidney?

No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

- No. - Yeah.

Right. When's he coming back?

is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword

Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny.

Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?

Wipe that thing off before you hand it to me.

your ass is toast because I don't like the way your boss runs things over there

I see they took out the sink and the toilet.

And what would that question be?

shall we say, whose skills were not adequately tapped.

- No. - My uncle used to have this saying.

- Oh, Lord, all right. - Oh, Lord.

Jonah: Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed.

So now we got to figure out a way to get Kent on board

like some sort of thick rubber condom,

Thank... thank you.

and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.

I just want to offer my sincere condolences

No, sir, you... because you said that...

You said Dad was dying.

Don't know what you're doing, but I will leave you to it.

I'm not really sure I remember what an integer is, per se.

Signed, sealed, delivered. ( Clicks tongue )

Is that a racist joke?

Back soon, Daddy. Mwah.

Well, should you be in here?

Oh, I have leverage.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Come.

- I couldn't find... - Just...

- Calm down. - Don't you tell me to calm down!

Look right here. It's over here, too.

- Dan: He's okay, he's okay. - Okay. Okay.

but didn't get to keep him is gonna see me as the enemy.

- in foreign policy. - What? Really?

( Knocking )