Status
Ended
Network
Netflix
SEASON
EPISODE

Season 3

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Kimmy decides to become a crossing guard. Buoyed by the success of "Boobs in California," Titus tries to win back Mikey with help from Jacqueline.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Russ's transformation opens doors for Jacqueline. Kimmy wrestles with a philosophical dilemma. Artie invites Lillian on a European cruise

Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 1
People smile when they see something beautiful.
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And they didn't even pixelate my neck!
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Thanks, Sam.
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Europe? The Kaushtuppers fled Europe
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-Show me by a chair. -[phone clatters]
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It's bad enough that everyone can just look me up on the Internet,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 8
[sighs]
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I just assumed we were in Dallas... or Houston.
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Talking about bunkers and my mom's phone number.
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I signed up for JDate, Christian Mingle, and what turned out to be
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 13
after one of those women threw a Skinnygirl hot toddy on his crotch.
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Oh, we're trying to use the scientific name,
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If you really think it's a good idea.
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Well, now this thing wants a fingerprint.
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Or realize it's just Titus stealing your food in a sheet.
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[Buckley] Mom, what are you doing?
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Sure, I have a charity that pays hotels
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What do tigers have to do with saving the toilet rat?
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-Shrimp! -All right, how do I do this?
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Give your extra shoes to a spider.
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You know what? Come to class with me tomorrow.
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No, yeah, the tigers. Of course.
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After luring me into a Volkswagen dealership.
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Kimmy's on TV.
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Was shot in the face by you, Lillian!
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I know. Because my brothers...
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 33
-Russ. -There he is!
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[all talking at once]
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Even if that means you starve to death.
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Next week, we're getting into Kant's categorical imperative,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 37
Oh, I've gotta run.
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Say hi to Russ!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 39
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what do you think he was whispering into those shells?
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was my reward for everything I did
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[stirring orchestral music]
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of my sweet,
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Either way, this song is about me dying first.
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please give a warm welcome to Kimmy Schmidt.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 47
Whatever that was originally, we'll never know.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 48
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Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 50
you know you're in a golden age of television
Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Kimmy discovers the humiliating power of the internet. Titus wonders if he's compatible with Reuben. Jacqueline takes care of Mimi after butt surgery.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Kimmy and Titus get in over their heads when they steal a gas station bathroom key. Jacqueline plots to infiltrate the NFL owners’ meeting.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Titus takes Kimmy to church on Good Friday, where they tangle with an elderly busybody. Jacqueline gives Lillian a makeover for Passover.

Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 1
♪ Oh, happy day ♪
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Wait, a lady reverend?
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So thank you for welcoming me on this Good Friday.
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[laughs] That was very funny, by the way.
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and I run the Easter clothing drive.
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They collect gossip like Tituses collect expired deli meats,
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[sighs]
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No one on the message boards told me his wife died.
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You could be spending a lot of time with them in court after he dies.
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[very flatly] ♪ Blood ♪
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If he's the lead, who else is in this choir?
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We're getting to the best part: shopping!
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Deirdre Robespierre. I'm Head Mom at St. Clotilde's.
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[both laughing exaggeratedly]
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Not if they follow the Bible.
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And it was your fault for getting kicked out.
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These are good people.
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All right!
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At school pickups, Easter egg hunts,
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He doesn't have any friends and can't afford anything in there.
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A woman crashed her car into the mayor's house this morning.
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But okay, I'll find you after service tomorrow.
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♪ Elijah Rock, shout, shout, shout Whoo! ♪
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Gosh dang it! I mean, is that what all religion is?
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 29
I saw Clara steal a coat from the clothing drive.
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Listen, I'm not like you. I don't care what people think.
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[laughter]
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I'm just making an educated guess about you,
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My mind is so clear!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 34
You look like a black guy on Easter.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 35
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The choir director's your nephew?
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 37
That's why you were all over me like yellow on teeth.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 38
Oh, I gotta tell Kimmy her dumb plan is off.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 39
Well, my 18-hour bra busted out about four hours ago,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 40
[together] We suck!
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Now you know they suck just as much as you do.
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Buckley!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 43
And now it seems the poor thing is Grey Gardens-ing.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 44
I'm the one who decided we were over cake pops.
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[Deirdre] Fine.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 46
"Humble yourself, and God will give you grace.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 47
But guess what. Real religion's a sham.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 48
No. Not cute ducks.
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She didn't, baby girl.
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-M'diet's my wife's name. -[woman] Help him, Lord!
Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Titus makes a shocking confession about the cruise. When a hurricane hits, Kimmy turns their apartment into a "fun-ker" filled with games and puzzles.

Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 1
But I was awakened by... the sound.
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I do what I can.
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[upbeat keyboard music playing]
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Shells can be pasta!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 5
And let's not forget scurvy.
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These say they're for all ages,
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with a new, good experience.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 8
Well, I'm always wrong the other way!
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I get why you didn't want to talk about that cruise stuff.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 10
The beauty of it is, they already hate their wives for bringing them.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 11
and how I miss that! [sobs]
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Sometimes things that aren't dirty are actually much grosser.
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-[Artie chuckles] -[Kimmy] Okay.
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but let's try to keep it PG.
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and you're fighting over a bunch of delicious marbles.
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I'm so excited to say that here,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 17
Those are worth money at the end.
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Thank you, Mr. Bruce Springsteen,
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[Artie] Oh, yes, let's hear
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 20
I was hired as a swing member of the cast.
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Titus, you make Patti LaBelle sound like Barry White.
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You never want to go near the water on these boats, Titus,
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♪ Shall be entertained! ♪
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Aw! Bravo!
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Seven minutes in heaven! Okay. Yes.
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The lights work for you.
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and you're like, "What's the big deal?"
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I have a rep to protect, though.
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Bad news for passengers on Carnivore Cruise Lines' Ocean Skank,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 32
No! I was the lead in Mahogany.
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[chuckles] Are those my corns, dear heart?
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or some other kind of thing that runs.
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I waited half an hour and returned to her dressing room,
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You.
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I sprayed them until the bottle was empty,
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I had inadvertently poisoned 220 people,
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And I was imprisoned for 15 years by a lunatic!
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[Kimmy] I am gonna crash with my friends at Columbia.
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and you never had a nice boyfriend,
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And I would believe her because that sweet dummy,
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but I did eat a dolphin.
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♪ We're stronger than the hurricane ♪
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♪ 'Cause we're stronger than this storm ♪
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and go refill your MetroCard when you "literally can't right now."
Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Titus goes after big pharma when a drug company steals his likeness. Lillian convinces Kimmy that the weatherman can't be trusted.

Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 1
...take the boom box in to get its heads cleaned.
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I need your help, but I am not your friend.
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[light music on TV]
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[cartoon bladder] What the foop is this soup?
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You said nothing happens here without my say-so.
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before they were golfed to death.
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And you'll be pleased to know
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 8
What the hell are we even doing here, then?
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I'm a fourth-generation hole watcher.
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-[water splashes on TV] -[yelps]
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Oh, you sweet dum-dum.
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He told me the fudging world was ending!
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as Tammi-with-an-I threatens to turn Manhattan into Haiti.
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My likeness and my mouthness were stolen by a drug company.
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[woman] Is your overactive bladder acting like a gay black diva?
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-Oh. -Titus.
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but once the drug gets approved by the FDA,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 19
A handful of loose tuna?
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You know I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth.
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We fought for the same ideals.
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My late husband is rolling over in my wall right now.
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Bob Dylan is dead...
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And please don't get me started on the Second Avenue Subway.
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[quirky dramatic music]
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how often do you receive big cakes that a person could fit in?
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[spluttering]
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Wait. Who?
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Ugh! If only there were another TV liar you could confront first.
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Be careful, lady.
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Oh. I'm not invited to your fancy rooftop party, Stacy?
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How do you think? He's an Ursula the Sea Witch, Titus.
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[Ken] Whenever you're ready, Titus.
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♪ Urethrex makes you feel good ♪
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[Kimmy] So Black History Month is every other month
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Can I go now?
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-[banging and whirring] -[crunches]
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Okay, maybe I go a little overboard.
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the Atlantic is too warm,
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Nerds are the worst. I shove them.
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It's ruining that woman's life,
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'cause every change in my life has been rotten--
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All my life, progress has been a lie.
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Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Kimmy goes to her first college party with her new friends. Jacqueline calls Titus for backup when Russ's brother puts the moves on her.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

The FBI enlists Kimmy's help when former mole woman Gretchen tries to start a cult of her own. Titus is stricken with a strange disease.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Kimmy makes a splash at Columbia University while doing odd jobs to save up for college. Titus sings backup for a controversial musician.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

A surprise visitor delivers divorce papers to Kimmy. Jacqueline comes up with a plan to get Russ’s dad to rename the Redskins.

Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 1
[man] You're watching Sadsack TV, random stuff from the '70s...
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Did I take my medicine? What is this?
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-We really don't, but thanks. -Ugh. Where you from?
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Mystery bitch. [laughs] Ouch!
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we could actually get married on Fried Chicken Night.
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[gulps]
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[singers] ♪ Damn it ♪
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and Iktomi is a Lakota s--
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Let me just-- Let me just make a call.
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When she said kudos to you, what did that mean?
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"Don't marry a monster?"
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since I moved to Indiana five months ago.
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[printer clicks and buzzes]
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especially Stewart and Phoebe
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and I'm getting a little tired of the boardroom.
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Congratulations, Dukey-boy.
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[all murmuring and chuckling]
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It's still page one.
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So the guards Tased him, which, of course, Tased me.
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that he did all that stuff.
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His mother worked, you know.
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I almost forgot.
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A farmers market, dog park,
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Oh, God, stop! But thank you for driving electric.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 29
but today's been a gosh-dang, mother-fudging sugar-show!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 30
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 31
[applause]
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 32
like your heart got pulled into the wheel well
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 33
and measured our tumbleweed.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 34
just continue to lie there and not make any sounds at all.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 35
No, she's coming back.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 36
by guys who looked real good on paper.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 37
I'm not stupid, Titus.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 38
I found a ton of rare nom-noms on the way over and crushed it.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 39
Don't be ridiculous, Jacqueline.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 40
Let's get you and Russ married before God takes him.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 41
Kimberly, Wendy's like a beautiful, rare Barbie
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 42
-I think only you can-- -Stop it!
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 43
[laughter]
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 44
So you gonna marry him or not?
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 45
I know you need the money, but you'll find another way,
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 46
[in Spanish] How long have you been here?
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 47
Yeah, and I'd only be jealous if he married the cab driver from Wings.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 48
[in Spanish] Never mind.
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 49
And you can't stop me from seeing him
Recap of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 50
[sighs]
Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Titus unleashes his inner Beyoncé when he suspects Mikey of cheating. Kimmy checks out colleges, and Jacqueline and Lillian clash over city politics.

Aired 6 years ago - May 19, 2017

Back in New York, Titus goes to great lengths to score an audition for "Sesame Street." Jacqueline encourages Kimmy to play hardball with the Reverend.