Aired a year ago - Apr 17, 2016
Elijah and Loreen help Hannah with her plan to participate in the Moth Story Slam. Marnie prepares to go on tour with Desi. Shoshanna's idea for an "anti-hipster" Ray's takes off. After helping take care of the baby, Jessa and Adam have an epic fight.
wants to come here and do
a piece on us next week.
I need you to take it down a notch.
or tattoos that were not acquired during
a naval adventure on the South Pacific,
- So, what, now you're just gonna do it?
- Can't even have thoughts about her?
- Um, no, you can think it all you want,
You know what? I don't
like being judged either.
So, you're writing again?
I would wear this to
lunch with Graydon Carter.
Dale. He was such a hunk.
Captain of the debate team.
I didn't even think of that. I
was just so happy Cadence was dead.
- My, what a nice surprise.
- Come on in.
Just having a good old
time. What about you?
Maybe your fuckin' best
isn't good enough, Tad.
Fuckin' Tad, you know,
I just want to be happy.
She ate once, shat
twice, slept for an hour.
Really appreciate it. You wanna say bye?
I'm sorry, just one last thing
I can't get out of my head.
Hannah is my dearest friend.
And one thing I don't do is
steal people's boyfriends.
- It's called, um, Desmerize.
- No, I know what it's called.
- that we talked about?
- Okay, definitely.
Well, that's on you, because
the only time I ever lied
We will never be done
with her, you shit!
This particular line of people
is literally my worst nightmare.
Okay, well, that's too bad
because you are a moth nine.
Excuse me, sir, jeez.
There are actually people in
there trying to live their dream.
So we'll be choosing our
storytellers at random.
who he hooked up with one night earlier.
I would ask her if I
could ask her out sometime.
what follows is a
classic tale of jealousy
Brigitte Bardot had
a baby with a mermaid.
So when I found out about my
ex-boyfriend and my best friend,
I was sad.
but, A, he lives on the third floor.
I have very poor upper body strength.
I knew that I needed an
end to my story, a real end,
start a new nuclear missile
crisis with my emotions
♪ You'd be like heaven to touch ♪
Desi, come on, man. Open the door.
I am gonna die having done nothing.
Aired a year ago - Apr 17, 2016
Hannah gives Principal Toby some unexpected news; Marnie has an unsettling dream; Shoshanna offers to help Ray with marketing his business; Elijah wants an exclusive relationship with Dill.
♪ And it's sure 'nuff a pity ♪
and then there's a Dennis Kucinich
live webstream I want to hop onto.
Maybe ask for some help, something
I know you're fucking terrible at,
We do make a pretty good team.
I've been in a very open relationship...
- Yeah. (chuckles)
this has been a really, really
amazing opportunity for me.
Okay, Hannah. I wish you all the best.
And for the record, I
think you're a lot funkier
Yeah, well, you know, that's
sort of my story to tell.
Um, I'm not really headed anywhere
in particular at the moment.
especially considering Tandace.
aggression train is headed
straight towards me...
How does that make you feel?
- (Woman) You're gonna cross out the...
- Yeah, exactly.
All right, is this another one
of your states of the union?
but don't you want to be with
somebody who sees you for you?
they're only gonna tell
you what you want to hear
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.
- That's not what I mean.
I don't know, someone
closer to my own age...
I'll think of you every
time I go to Brooklyn.
- (Barista) "Silenced."
Um, but, ah, we broke up because I
went to the Iowa Writers' Workshop,
Really? Just, like,
total identity switcheroo.
Oh, oh, for sure. She is like
a pure white blinding evil.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. In fairness to
her, she was cooking the meth to sell.
- She's just not a person
of me, and I would love to
surprise someone sometime.
when someone else is
eating a minimal amount.
- It's my time.
- Inspired by me.
♪ Gotta get me home ♪
- This is me.
Those hipsters are a
very specific subculture,
- And I did a book of poetry as well.
- And you did a book of poetry as well.
and she feeds on praise
All I do is Google myself and smoke weed
and you just, like, came in your
pants from all the accolades,
- Oh, thank you.
- Yeah, I love them so much.
♪ I'm feelin' myself, I'm
feelin' my, feelin' my ♪
I am having a very
strong feeling about you,
Aired a year ago - Apr 10, 2016
Hannah becomes stranded after her road trip with Fran gets cut short; Adam stops by Laird's place and stays to help with the baby; Shoshanna gets a wake up call; while recording a new song, Marnie receives parameters for her relationship with Desi.
- I am not a monster.
- Define monster!
Please, I don't want to talk, okay?
That's just me being a
nice person, all right?
Hey, what's up?
Well, I would ask Desi if one of his
loser fake artiste friends with a car
Oh, hey, Tall Adam.
What are you doing here?
She went out three days
ago to get some pepitas,
- (Ray singing) ♪ Meet you all the way ♪
Well, what am I gonna do, let you
rot out here like a piece of fruit?
Ray, I just need you to
relax and "enjoi" the journey.
Rihanna's Oprah interview.
Isn't that awesome? It was funny, man.
"It is with a heavy heart...
to hurt little Sample...
Be as kind to our daughter
as I was cruel to you
'cause I'm not a selfish person.
Okay, great, so you just
didn't want to get hard.
♪ Hanging at the chocolate shop ♪
- to see if you needed anything else.
- No, just food.
Adam, how about I hold your
penis while you hold the baby?
what are you... what are you doing here?
What's... what are you doing for work?
[speaking in Japanese]
Well, what are we gonna do?
Um, because I'm holding a baby.
She knows. She fully knows.
She abandoned her child
and appears to be suicidal.
This isn't 1974. You can't just hop
into a car with a groovy stranger.
♪ Where I'll go to pay my dues ♪
Of course. I'm a woman of my word.
Are you guys, like,
pranking me or something?
Desi and I have known each
other for a long, long time.
Listen, right now it's easier for Desi
I become, essentially, a ghost.
You got a lot of stuff in the c... car.
I, ah, got in a car that pulled
over for me at the side of the road,
Yep, yep, yep.
Okay, but I've gotta pee, like, now,
so whenever you can pull it over,
and we would never do
anything to harm one another.
Wait, look, did she... oh, my
God, it stinks. Oh, my God, Adam.
Well, it's... it's kind of a long story.
She would fuckin' hit me with lamps,
Aired a year ago - Apr 03, 2016
The school principal reprimands Hannah; Jessa worries about seeing Hannah at Adam's play; Marnie shares news with Ray; Elijah attends a swanky party at Dill's apartment. Meanwhile, Hannah feels that Fran is judging her.
in front of Hannah? Jesus.
What a twist.
in which the play will be taking
place. Explore at your choosing.
Oh, my God, so now you're gonna
threaten me to get what you want?
and I had completely forgotten
the fact that Kitty was a lesbian.
Stop ignoring me, Ellen. I
know you took it without asking.
- ♪ He's so fine ♪
- ♪ Do-lang, do-lang, do-lang ♪
I'm sorry, it's not like the actors
are doing anything interesting.
I know you can't answer
me, but I just decided
Yes, Ray, this is the
realest thing I've ever done.
I just was really scared of what
it was that I knew that I needed.
I think that, um... I'm sorry
you're going through all this.
It's less of a boat and more of
a floating palace, really. It's...
- Yeah, of course I'm having fun.
Have I told you how happy I
am that you're here tonight?
with orphans in Haiti and rich meals,
I guess I'm inspired.
for me anyway? Dirty the dishes
and leave your underwears around?
Dad, I think there's a
lady in the courtyard.
♪ When I am strong ♪
♪ And then I won't ♪
♪ When I'll be strong ♪
I'll get it.
I've, ah, already had, like, 14
of those tiny plates of tartar
Oh, nice. Dill's a doll, isn't he?
tell me about it. Like, you
know, he took my friend Muzzy
but, like, I haven't talked
to Shane in a while...
all of the things that
are happening to me?
Hey, Dill, did you take someone named
Muzzy to a black-tie gala last week?
downstairs for sometimes sex.
This is bigger than anybody's
divorce. Marnie, we got the call.
- (Both) "OC."
- I mean, she's, like...
- I talked to Marcus from the label.
- (moaning, kissing)
But what if you've been a
silent bystander all along,
So, ready to put aside our differences
and have a nice rest of the night?
Aired a year ago - Mar 27, 2016
Needing space after a fight with Desi, Marnie goes for a walk and has an unexpected run-in with someone from her past.
Look, I know it's weird.
So, wait, y-you got married?
So, what happened to your business?
- I told you I was talking to a friend.
- Que pasando?
Ew. That's not even the right reference.
Nah, you just don't remember me right.
- Wait, are you serious?
And, yeah, I might've
been an asshole to you
He killed himself,
actually. He hung himself.
You just have to, like,
buy a soda or something.
I haven't seen him in
literally almost two years
at hands that have touched
and have been touched.
Just wait one second.
(Eastern European accent) He
buying cocaine for us to have party.
Well, Magita, what would you say if
Room 1206. We'll be there by 10:30.
♪ In the dress with
her hair tied up... ♪
- you knew what my scene was.
- But I have an idea of what your
♪ And when they try to ask
what's up, she say, "Casey" ♪
- ♪ Whatever you like, ♪
- You've gained weight.
- Yeah. Desi thinks it's about him.
Come here. Come here.
Get in the fucking boat.
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
- a very, very serious question.
sell your fucking Xbox. (laughing)
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
We can go wherever we wanted.
Yeah, if you call a hot dyke with
a strap-on and a Mets cap a guy.
You know, that shower actually
has really good water pressure.
Whose dress is that? Where
are your fucking rings?
I don't know what I'm
doing here or anywhere else.
Yeah, I think that's what I need.
You're just... you're
just... you're just...
Aired a year ago - Mar 20, 2016
Hannah and her mom, Loreen, embark on a female-empowerment retreat, where Loreen hopes for clarity in her situation with Tad, and Hannah relishes time away from Fran. In Tokyo, Shoshanna enjoys her budding romance with Yoshi, and gets a surprise visitor from the U.S. Jessa meets up with her sister Minerva and asks for a favor.
I'm learning about a new culture,
and in turn I'm learning about myself,
I gotta tell ya, I have a couple days,
Yeah, all right.
Okay. It's just that we
mentioned this in the e-mails.
I'm glad you're having fun already.
Are you the yoga teacher?
- ...and none of you said anything.
I do like him. He's so nice.
that was eating away at
the core of our marriage.
I love you, too, baby.
No, no, I'm wearing the
sponge. I have a sponge in.
I don't feel obligated.
Use your arms, use your arms, yeah!
We're supposed to be by
ourselves for at least an hour.
I miss you. How are you?
Oh, yeah, I know. That's
actually their school uniform.
I'm so impressed, Shoshanna.
Adults follow rules.
- I do have a great reason.
- Oh, you don't need one.
Um, sounds like a real fucking winner.
is that we've both slept
with all the same people.
Seriously, you are wee. What the fuck?
It needs, like, all the salt in the
known universe and there's none here.
And then again for dessert.
Oh, yeah, I'm having some...
um... some family problems,
And you'll find that as you continue,
I blame it on Viagra.
I want to stay in, I stay in.
I want to go out, I go out.
She said she had the time of her life.
- Yeah, you'll just get used to it.
- Oh, my God.
But the, ah, the thing is, I am
not eligible for any financial aid
Jessa, you have to
be fucking kidding me.
And she's gonna be the
best fucking therapist ever.
So nice. That's brilliant.
I want to watch a reality
show about you called, like,
I'm going to make quick
stop at the bathroom.
in the second biggest cat café in Tokyo
I'm gonna stay.
Aired a year ago - Mar 13, 2016
Hannah and Fran disagree about their teaching methods. Marnie fumes over Desi’s decision to launch a major construction project in their studio apartment. Jessa pushes Hannah away over an awkward rice-pudding meetup. Elijah gets closer to Dill Harcourt.
unbeknownst to you, guess
who's in the studio/kitchen
but we will have more privacy,
Okay, well, you know how you always
go into the coffee shop to work
you're good. Are you kidding
me? You're gonna walk out?
I hate motherhood.
Why the fuck are you avoiding me?
with a society that rewards those
shaggy-haired dickholes? Tell me.
Well, you just never know
when new hair is gonna start
It might be Diane
Sawyer, Graydon Carter.
Oh, yeah. Um...
so he decided to take it
into his own damn hands.
- She did the rips.
- He did the rips.
Oh, okay. Well, for someone
who likes corrections so much,
What you lookin' at?
Maybe the relationship just lasted for
the amount of time it was supposed to.
Adam was actually more sane than Fran.
No, that's exactly
what I'm doing to Desi.
Can't I end up alone, but not like Cher?
and some bad things about fame.
I'm sorry, I, um... you know, I just...
I thought we were meeting people,
Stupid fucking little hammer.
This is our bedroom.
Don't know why, like, I'm, like
trying to impress you all the time.
Thanks for coming out with me.
You're too late. That already happened.
Thank you so much.
so, of course, here I am
catering to your needs yet again.
I just... I just came from
seeing Hannah and, um...
Is that... yeah, it's fine.
- No, I like... like that.
Aired a year ago - Mar 06, 2016
Thriving at her new job in Japan, Shoshanna flirts with the boss, but reminds her work friends that she has a “kind of” boyfriend back in America. Hannah makes a shocking discovery on Fran’s phone and struggles with how to react. After viewing Adam’s performance on a TV police procedural, Jessa shares her insights into his character.
Are you kidding, Hannah?
Porn is disgusting.
I'm not really gonna jerk off to that.
- and check in for a year.
- Satoko, will you translate?
Honestly, I think you're overreacting.
of ex-girlfriend pinups
to jerk it to, okay?
Hannah, I am on your side.
I'm always on your side.
I'm living for every
day of my young life.
we're... we're managing you out.
Um... an... and it's gonna
be in fucking business class.
So he's opposed to the enslavement
and trafficking of young women.
and pedestrian about sex and
you know I pride myself on
Hannah, you're still hot... to Fran.
Try ones with, like, a coy smile.
Like you know a juicy secret.
I know for a fact we are
keeping even that hooker Erica.
My parents aren't rich.
They didn't invent Chuhai.
I've always been on my own.
You were amazing. You really were. I was
subtle but forceful. It was very strong.
But I can't help but feel a little bit
excited on a... on a very selfish level.
And we'll just move forward.
Shoshanna, I'm really,
really sorry about your job.
It's like you're not
really here right now.
your ex-girlfriends can
tell you that they love you.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I... I wrote a, er...
- [Speaks Japanese]
- Okay, okay. Fuck it, okay.
- Come, come.
- (Man) Sexy girl.
- (Shoshanna) Okay, okay, okay.
- (Man) Yes, yes, yes.
Oh, and cool, holding
a Brussels Griffin dog.
Aired a year ago - Feb 28, 2016
An erratic roommate causes Fran to move in with Hannah. Hannah receives an urgent call from her father.
That's like a job.
Would you like hemp or agave syrup?
I can't, I can't, I a-a-ah.
the hole next to my pee hole.
Uh, yeah, ever heard of a little
lady called Hannah Horvath?
but also forces people to
come here and steal our lids.
- I thought you were a murderer.
It doesn't matter because
nothing can ever happen.
and these lesser Jews, and this
class conflict within a religion
(Whispers) he's crying.
I'm in the Marriott in Times Square.
is no Philip Roth.
what are we gaining from
having them read this book now?
and that leads me to believe
that something pretty invasive
- (Music playing)
I kind of get the chains
confused sometimes, you know.
it appears to absolutely
no one's surprise
It's... it's just funny.
What is going on here?
One, two, three, go!
Okay, um, and how did that go?
and I decided to come to the
city and meet him in person.
My wallet must've slipped out
of my pants when I took them off.
- have to bring Uncle Jeff into this?
- I know, I know.
- Tell him I want a fucking divorce.
Maybe. That would... that
would actually be great.
With you in a body bag and me
headed to the border pregnant.
'Cause you shook it all
the way here like an idiot.
Don't look. It breaks the rules.
considering you just had sex with a
complete stranger, probably unprotected.
Ted had unprotected butt sex.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, not with Mom.
(Quietly) She said that, okay?
Aired a year ago - Feb 21, 2016
Marnie attempts to organize her upstate wedding to Desi. Shoshanna has to try and carry out Marnie's wishes. Fran is involved in an awkward moment with Adam.
- How was your drive?
- Yeah, super easy.
You have to go tell him to leave,
and then you have to tell Hannah
They're so stupid and you know
what? Ultimately, they're selfish.
- To someone she barely knows.
- She barely knows him?
- Yeah, sure. Have a seat.
I didn't just... I'm
not... I didn't just...
- I'm so proud of you, man.
- Oh, thank you, baby.
A comic persona as skilled
and radical as Lucille Ball.
I'm getting married today.
my choice of pens, everything.
She let me bring my 30-year-old
daughter along and we had a ball.
which is white Christian woman.
Thank you so much for being here, good-bye!
- That's good.
You don't wanna take him out back
and show him what you're made of?
Are you trying to get to know this woman?
They demand faithfulness
Today, the love of my
life is getting married,
Hey, hey, you've bailed seven times.
Don't make it eight!
Bill de Blasio's daughter
wears one all the time.
Just when we ask for second opinions,
we'll come to you right away, okay?
But we have, like, all
the hair accessories.
Mom, let me handle this.
Hannah, you have to!
I hate this dress. The straps
are longer than the dress.
I mean, you know, never a wedding, but...
You'd be surprised how much she can miss.
Oh, what do you care? You still love her.
And love is about sacrifice and destiny
And I'm not gonna let a couple of
fucking little botched marriage attempts
- Okay. Are you sure?
- I've been doing this for 25 years.
You know what? You all are a
bunch of bitches. Do you know that?
And it's raining on my fucking wedding day!
Are you fucking kidding me?
What? What the fuck are you scared about?
But I have been there for you
I'm not the right person...
- But my face.