Top Gear

Jeremy, Richard and James confront the credit crunch as they attempt to find three sensibly priced small cars that won't make you miserable. James meets American stunt driving legend Ken Block, Jeremy tests the mildly insane Mercedes SL Black, and Michael McIntyre is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

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#2

And is the McLaren £100,000 faster?

#3

God, that McLaren sounds dirty.

#4 #5

Smoke coming off the back end!

#6

But the best thing about the Black

#7

it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control

#8

But it doesn't last.

#9

There is no give at all in the tyre side wall.

#10

You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback.

#11

Look! A pile of stones.

#12 #13 #14

the traction control comes down like an anvil

#15

those back tyres cost £358 each.

#16

And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point.

#17

There are other niggles, too,

#18

A normal SL can get round here no problem at at...

#19

That means you're going to run off the road

#20 #21

and go more than six feet without running out of petrol,

#22

And then we have to go back to the price.

#23

and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it.

#24 #25

Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK? Yeah.

#26 #27

That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

#28

he might have been able to raise a smile.

#29

Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses.

#30

Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish.

#31

Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead...

#32 #33

Through the tyres - very, very fast.

#34 #35

so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago,

#36

which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now...

#37

It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.

#38

They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive.

#39

would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy. Plasticky. Lightweight.

#40

Box on wheels. What? Box on wheels. That's not very good. That was terrible.

#41

Now, pay attention. OK?

#42

You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? Yeah. I got her a power drill.

#43

Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap. No... They do.

#44

Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap! But it is.

#45

However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl,

#46

it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag.

#47

No. The fact is, OK,

#48

"Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it."

#49

Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats.

#50

"and the next vintage car show you both attend." Ohhhh!

#51

And now it's a handbag. On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks... NO! No!

#52

Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think

#53

Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL.

#54

"Agh! It's horrible!"

#55

Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on.

#56

for what we used to call a lovely summer's day.

#57

You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up,

#58

Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up,

#59

Let's just make it fair, OK?

#60

Oh, yes. It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now.

#61

98%. Or less.

#62

59.7 degrees.

#63 #64

Guys...

#65 #66

if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts...

#67

Gordon, they're something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is,

#68

and put sun cream on.

#69

Guys...

#70

We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back

#71

In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful?

#72

"Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?"

#73 #74

Brakes are rubbish.

#75

Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes.

#76 #77

so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull.

#78

I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier.

#79

The only reason you would buy this car

#80

I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo.

#81

the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it,

#82

"Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this!

#83

At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three,

#84

so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl.

#85

and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features.

#86

So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door? Yeah.

#87

That's a disappointment. That's wrong!

#88

A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin.

#89

so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there,

#90

BMW X5. X5?

#91 #92

You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out.

#93

Every day, constantly down? Yep. Thought about jumping out of a window?

#94 #95

It just disintegrated while I was looking at it.

#96

That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money!

#97 #98

RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy".

#99

Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems...

#100

and went to shout at the Government.

#101

V8 not G8!

#102

I can't do that one.

#103

Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks.

#104

Ker-ching! Hit the banks not our tanks! He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused.

#105

But it was quite hard to understand him.

#106

I think that policeman's quite cross.

#107

But we were fed up too... with our cars.

#108

It's a fact!

#109

Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that,

#110

Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there.

#111

and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like.

#112

Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track,

#113

because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre!

#114

Jeremy Clarkson! How are you? Hello. Thank you, Top Gear.

#115

Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you?

#116

I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice

#117 #118

The drycleaner is talking sense. The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake."

#119

Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls...

#120

It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty.

#121

I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go,

#122

University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did?

#123

I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough?

#124

I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life,"

#125

My voice didn't break till I was about 23.

#126

She'd come in... Hello?

#127

But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women.

#128

a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit...

#129

He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!"

#130

To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!"

#131

At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. That's allowed.

#132

I got her an X5, 4x4 car.

#133

I've never had a car with that. "Urr..."

#134

is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me.

#135

It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!"

#136

Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars.

#137 #138

then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had,

#139

I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there

#140

My mind went blank.

#141 #142

So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane...

#143

The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car

#144

I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it."

#145

You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane.

#146

There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?"

#147 #148

And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim.

#149 #150 #151

if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and...

#152

Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on...

#153

I said I'll try hard to be fast.

#154

ALL: Yes! Come on, let's have a look.

#155

Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious!

#156

Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast.

#157

Did you enjoy this? I didn't really... I lost track of time.

#158

You are doing... And that's pretty fast.

#159

that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon...

#160 #161

It was a very ambitious second half to the lap

#162

Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect".

#163

..forty... I like that. I'm fine with that.

#164

Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre.

#165

It's in the middle of the whole thing! You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car

#166 #167

Now...if you are any sort of a car fan,

#168

Young people tell me he is an internet sensation.

#169

I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,

#170

and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.

#171 #172

Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver.

#173

But Ken prefers to use...

#174

and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds.

#175

There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas...

#176

Ken has devised a course around this place,

#177

Subaru Impreza rally car

#178

in the royal box of rallying,

#179 #180 #181 #182 #183 #184 #185 #186 #187

Cor, that was nice!

#188 #189 #190 #191 #192

'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history,

#193

Ow!

#194 #195 #196 #197

No, no! Goodbye, viewers!

#198

That's the nose of a DC-2.

#199

Not over there, that's a jump.

#200 #201 #202 #203 #204

to play on our track?

#205

earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish

#206

and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.

#207

So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best.

#208

That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.

#209

This is what I've chosen - the Mito.

#210

But this is an Alfa Romeo.

#211 #212

just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.

#213 #214

a drag race...obviously.

#215

because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi,

#216

..one year.

#217

He-he-he! Not bad.

#218

'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.'

#219 #220 #221

And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage.

#222

I've actually forgotten what his car looks like.

#223

This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.

#224

What about if it was doing 93? That would be against the law.

#225

Says the man in the Indesit! What...come on! Chaps,

#226

The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.

#227

Right, each car is equipped with one of these.

#228

this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter

#229

Right, good. Good. Let's do it.

#230 #231

Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.

#232

How big is my victory?

#233

Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1. Yes!

#234

What we're going to do now is a lap of the track.

#235

In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound,

#236

OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car,

#237

There is one rule in my test, yes?

#238

But St Bernards always look sad.

#239

'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.'

#240

One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car.

#241

'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.'

#242

That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible.

#243

Oh-hoh! Urgh!

#244

It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.

#245

If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy.

#246

'I left everything in very normal.'

#247

Does he look sad? No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.

#248

Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that!

#249

which gives Milly a bit more room.

#250

What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... A head.

#251

At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.

#252

Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it!

#253

Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning...

#254

Three minutes faster than you?!

#255

This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.

#256

so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.

#257

I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.

#258

There's no space at all! The seats go down.

#259

Alfie, come on. Drive like that and hope he can keep up?

#260

'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.'

#261

The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.

#262

Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.

#263

Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point.

#264

Look at that face! Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! That's his normal face!

#265

That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault.

#266

'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.'

#267 #268

This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car".

#269

There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out

#270

Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him.

#271

OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London,

#272

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

#273