Aired 11 years ago - May 14, 2006
When burglars break into the house, the Griffins take cover in the attic where they discover Peter has built a 'panic room'. They go in it, and Peter tells them about his history. They send Meg for food but the burglars catch her. The rest of the
Griffins stay behind and Peter accidentally floods the room and they're going to drown. Luckily Joe gets them out and we find out Meg has been accused of sexual harassment by the burglars.
Everyone excited about trapezoid.
Hi, me Peter.
Tired walking everyplace?
Anyone buy wheel get dead bird.
Commandment number two: "There's
nothing I can do about the sun. "
- "Mancow in the Morning. "
- Shut up!
Everybody spit on Meg.
Oh, no. The burglars got my baby.
You know, Meg being captured by
evil men reminds me of another story.
where he was a proud member
of the tribe of Tootie-an-Blair.
how many is too many?
And I'm sure that's what they say, too.
Hello and welcome to the
news at what I suspect is dawn.
Hey, guys, one of my cuffs is loose.
It was way down there. You know,
when you stop seeing Howard Johnson's
little smiley face or
a heart or something.
Excuse me. Hi. Yeah...
And then, all of a sudden, he saw her.
push together so she
looks like a cross-eyed torso.
- You wanna do it?
- You bet your sweet black ass I do.
Lois, how in God's name, could
you embarrass the family like this?
who showed up on his
trusty white bronco.
At some point, that horse is going
to have to stop and eat some grain.
- I was already in that line.
- Sir, don't get snippy with me.
Oh, yeah? Over Meg's dead body.
They're supposed to distract you
while I put on the one scuba suit.
Kiss me, Tony.
I want your breath inside me.
Black-Eye Griffin and his family were
among the wealthiest people in Hollywood.
Pardon me, madam.
I'm the truant officer.
Well, no matter what happens to us,
I just hope Meg's okay.
- I won't scream or anything.
- No! No! I... I...
Hey, you ready to go check out that new
skin flick over at the booben garden?
Hey, whatever happened
with that art school?
All of Europe will tremble
as Germany take sits rightful place
We will emerge as the dominant people!
Free beer on this motherfuhrer!
Eh?! Come on!
- How can you even say that, Dad?
- Didn't like... didn't like it.
- It insists upon itself.
- What does that even mean?
I get to the scene where all the guys
are sitting around on easy chairs...
Aired 11 years ago - May 07, 2006
Peter wants to top Joe, who just built a new home theater system, so he starts to build a multiplex in his backyard. In doing so, he discovers an Indian burial ground. He finds an Indian chief's skull and the Griffin house becomes haunted. Stewie
gets sucked into the television and strange events follow as they try to get Stewie back from the poltergeist.
Hey, look what I found.
I can't wait to see the expression on
Joe's legs when I open my multiplex.
Well, like the whole business
last night with the TV.
John, do you take
Kelly to be your wife?
Okay, okay, try to think of a
happy place to be. Happy place...
I wish that scary-looking clown at
the end of my bed would go away.
The hurt doesn't show
You know, Peter, we wouldn't have
to be messing around with ghosts
Well, I don't see how that's
anybody's business but my own.
the exit is your daughter's bum.
- Ass ball!
- Peter, it worked!
And, Lois, get ready to laugh.
Get ready to laugh.
a real important blood test.
Cause I remember there was
another place there a few weeks ago.
but I still don't like them odds.
Now she knows how I felt
when I was at her piano recital.
No, Diane, their insurance company.
and now our house is gone
and we got no place to stay.
and, uh, it's game night.
I'll just start you off with this basket
of pizza crusts and apple cores.
I was, but don't you remember,
I threw it in the garbage?
- Ew, that is vile.
- I know, I hate myself, but it's so good.
'cause Carrot Top comes by every
morning to rummage for new props.
little props and gadgets
and what not, but...
Well, there it is:
Well, it's hardly
just a skull, Mr. Griffin.
What the hell?
How'd you get through the trap door?!
Oh, God. You know what?
Here, here, just, you know what?
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 30, 2006
Brian's gay cousin Jasper visits the Griffin house and announces that he is engaged to his partner and wants to be married at their house. When Mayor West bans gay marriage in an effort to cover up and bring attention away from a scandal of his
own, Brian resorts to hostile actions to try to change the Mayor's mind. Lois and Peter question their view towards gay marriage while Chris joins the "Young Republicans" Club to impress a girl.
The spirit of America is epitomized
by his inspiring motto:
Have you ever seen such a
waste of the taxpayers' money?
Oh, what's next? A workout
followed by a romp
Peter, stop it. God! You're
more clueless than Popeye.
Oh, you hear that, Meg? Guys can
marry other guys now. So... um...
- do something sometime?
- Sure, Chris.
I don't understand what you're
saying, but somehow I feel safer.
Oh, this is one fine day to be nude
Well, if you can't laugh at yourself...
As far as I'm concerned,
his name is "Dig Them. "
- Oh, my God! That's Rolfe!
- What the hell is wrong with you?
Sure. No problem.
It's not like we're gonna have a
gay sex orgy in the living room.
If gays wanna get married and be
He won't get away with it.
Jasper's always been there
for me when I've needed him.
What the hell is this?
Hey, will you sign a petition to overturn
Mayor West's ban on gay marriage?
Because if you do, I'll
let you touch my boobs.
and I've never had any
problem with gays before, but
You know, there's been a lot
of talk lately about homosexuals,
Wow, that was interesting.
Well, because I don't
believe in gay marriage.
It wasn't my nose or my ear
and it was one of my balls.
with the hundred-foot
chocolate teddy bear
I'm going to get to touch
right-wing boob because of this.
Mayor West, here's the gay
marriage ban for your approval.
I've been up for 24 hours,
I paid off a few people
Come on, buddy, you're leaving.
I'll be unharmed and
your plan will be foiled.
Look, this has gotten
out of hand, I know.
Yeah, yeah, I got a sweet tooth,
I think I'll have some Freedent.
Gay marriage. Next thing you
know, they'll want to vote.
Well, don't you love Mom?
She's brought music back into the
house. Playing songs on the harp.
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 23, 2006
After reading an erotic novel, Peter gets the idea to write one himself. Carter gets sued for publishing Peter's book on tape and loses all his money, where he is forced to become a middle-class citizen. Meanwhile, Stewie tries to train for the Olympics.
Okay, I just wanted
to make sure you heard.
"who looked a little like Heather
Locklear, only with bigger jugs,"
Yeah, you got some serious
talent there, Peter.
"Gina was finally wearing that
tank top I got her and nothing else. "
I felt like I was right
there on planet Niptune.
We are trying, Senor
Griffin, but the land,
to take home the gold.
It's at the bottom of this jar
of barbed wire and salt.
Wow, Peter, you're going
into the publishing business?
I'm Betty White reading
"The Hot Chick Who Was Italian,"
Well, it's not real fur. It's actually
made from bald eagle,
- Mom left you?
- Yeah. She ran off with Ted Turner.
Go to hell, fat head!
Hi, i'm Julia Roberts.
What is that?
Daddy, I never thought you'd
be so lost without your money.
Sure, I've steered our family
through bigger problems.
It's gonna be quite a different
place with him gone, that's for true.
What are we doing here?
You look familiar.
when we finally get inside
and see Renee Zellweger
You've been down so long
you can hardly see...
maybe being a regular
person does suck.
Oh, my God, he's dead!
I just got a subpoena
regarding an erotic novel,
So, we're a little in the red right now.
- Wow, sure.
- Oh, fantastic.
I want the car that's got a lot of gas
I mean, it's like, everybody's...
Let's just go nuts.
All right, just get off it.
Yeah, who cares what
you say. You're a dog.
Well, you could take my wallet.
if you take it.
I mean, I'd love to,
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 09, 2006
Meg becomes an intern for Mayor West. Brian, who is sure that the mayor is corrupt, tries to out him. Brian and Stewie, while undercover, discover that Meg is more than just an intern. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois go back to their folk singing days at a local talent show. When they begin using drugs, Chris stages an intervention.
Ah, this is living, Bitterman.
Huh? You want to just go have some
dirty, stupid, insane parking lot sex?
You know what I would've done to you back
there? Why didn't you say something earlier?
- Now shoot her tires out.
Don't y'all forget to sign up for the
Quahog community talent show.
Let's see the gross half of your face!
There it is.
We want to talk to you about a
friend of ours. He's not here tonight.
Noble Indian chief
The only cause of death
Was drifting off to sleep
Never mattered before!
I should really pick up that
milk now before I forget.
But this is flat-out extortion.
- What was all the commotion?
- Oh, nothing, it was just...
I'm going to expose Mayor West
as the corrupt politician that he is.
My identity will be safest
if you never see my face.
That would save a lot of gas
Eh, I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this is gonna work.
He wants to have sex with me so bad.
you're so pretty.
This should tell us what we wanna know.
Hey, Brian. What's up?
Oh, my God. He is short.
to see just how filthy this seemingly
clean hotel room really is.
I see a grown man enjoying cartoons.
Eh, I liked this one better.
We are totally ready
for that talent show.
Yeah, I noticed.
My dog is gonna expose
our relationship to the press.
You're just a sweet young lady
with her whole life ahead of her.
There's no moustache
like my father's moustache
which is quite a surprise
because I'd call her quite a catch,
He'd do her all the way
Even call her the next day
I was in the audience.
Aired 11 years ago - Mar 26, 2006
Peter gets a vasectomy and loses all his sex drive. Lois begins to gain weight, and as a result, Peter's regains his interest in his wife. When Lois' habits get out of control, she has a heart attack. The surgeon must remove Lois' fat to reach her
heart, returning her to her normal weight. Meanwhile, Stewie's half-brother Bertram returns to confront him, where they have a war for control over the playground.
- One that makes you half a man
- You're half a man
When you do it with your wife
And it's like why do you wear
that if you don't want attention?
Well, I guess that's the
definition of the word
Ah, you're just a hungry
little fellow, aren't you?
Yes, that's right, cry. Cry like Sauron
when he lost his contact lens.
Well, we don't have empty rooms
right now, but if you'll have a seat...
- Are you all right?
- Yup, yup, fine, fine.
It's no reason to give
up on your sex life.
...the bar, so, uh, just put my dinner
in the fridge, and I'll heat it up later.
Good God, running an
empire is harder than
What the hell is so bloody fascinating?
What an amusingly misguided view.
You know, at first, I didn't want to do it
'cause of the vasectomy, but now it's just...
Do it again, Griffin.
It's a slippery slope, Lois.
The only reason I'm eating
anyway is because i hate him.
It's quite simple, actually.
You press the smiling duck to take off,
- Well, now what?
- Want to play 20 Questions?
We've got to fight him
over there by the swing set,
Oh, sweetie, you got the chicken pox.
A couple more oatmeal
baths and you'll be all better.
I ran into this drifter hanging out near
the elementary school playground.
The wall is covered with something
that resembles egg crates, except
Last night, for God's sake, you farted.
Peter, are we having sex?
I know, it was amazing.
Now come here, my fat concubine.
and I think you'll find all your
guards quite incapacitated.
Well, well, well, look who
decided to show up.
but either way it feels so good.
Aired 11 years ago - Mar 12, 2006
When Peter wins a maid for a week as a prize on a game show, Quagmire gains an interest in her, and they eventually marry. Quagmire, stricken with his bachelor ways, tries to get out of the marriage. Meanwhile, Lois stops breast-feeding Stewie, who, as a result, goes through withdrawals.
With new friends
and new things to see
how to get back to the fish skeleton, I'm
going to punch you right in the stomach.
Oh, Coleco Vision.
This is truly a sight to behold.
And I told you boys to pick up your clothes
and who left the wet towel on the bed?!
I was breast-feeding Stewie and he bit me again.
I think he might have even broken the skin.
and I think one of his new teeth may
have bitten down right on the duct.
Huh, I suppose it would
make my life easier.
- So you'll hang on to that?
- Yeah, sure.
Very well, then, take off your shirt.
-It's like a walrus flossing.
Well, this is our three-week anniversary,
Joan. I wanted this date to be special.
- Oh, look at them.
- They're magical, aren't they?
Of course, I will!
I'm going to slap you with my fin.
You've just been tomahawked.
You think the language in the
Second Amendment is clear enough?
Boy, I never thought we'd be going to
Quagmire's for an engagement party.
Hey, Quagmire. Check out this
month's Hustler, huh?
All right, Quagmire,
time for your lap dance.
And they've gotten so engorged from
the weaning, I've gone up two bra sizes.
I'm so sorry.
But, Quagmire, that's the real
foot from the Statue of...
This cost me $437,000.
Don't ask me how I got it.
I've made a terrible mistake!
No, I only said that so you'd
giggoogety my gashmoigin.
'Cause if you ever left me,
I'd have to cut myself.
Yeah, sleep away, woman.
Look, I told you,
she was gonna kill herself.
All right, fellas, I think we did it.
and pots-and-pans robots show up to kill
you and dinosaurs show up to eat the remains.
Are you sure?
- Well, you look a lot better.
- I did it, Brian.
but I just miss the bonding.
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 29, 2006
At his high school reunion, Peter tries to impress his fellow classmates. When Peter, heading for the bathroom, charges through the crowd of people, impresses quarterback Tom Brady, who offers Peter a spot on the New England Patriots. Meanwhile, Brian owes Stewie money, after Stewie becomes a sports bookie.
Have the money by tomorrow
and there won't be any problems.
Everybody's all got
their nice cars
So, uh, it's been 24 hours.
Got my money?
Yeah, that doesn't
feel so good, does it?
- Wow, what, uh... what's all this?
- Oh, this? Oh, I just came from work.
to all the guys down
at the brewery.
Uh-oh. Either my esophagus just got
shorter, or I'm about to throw up.
Oh. I'd love to.
who is living his dream of playing for
the New England Patriots. Bob?
I want to thank God.
You know, if it weren't for the Devil,
God'd probably go insane,
Coming up, America's hottest
new curse word, "kleeman. "
Oh, you should be more careful.
- Griffin, let go!
- Let's go?!
Listen, you just got
to give me more time...
Mr. Brady, would you please
sign my Trapper Keeper?
- Mom, let me look!
- Meg, stop shoving.
- Hey. What's goin' on?
- What the hell?! Get out of here!
I'm here to kick off the
Touchdown of Savings Weekend,
We have Hyundais
Huh, there might be some hope
for this guy after all.
But a woman who'll wait
till the third time around
Walk around twice
and you're made for certain.
Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do...
Do, re, mi, fa, so,
la, si, do, si, do.
The girl is hard to get
Griffin, you're fired!
Ready to start
a new life in England.
Uh, excuse me. Hey, there. Hi.
All others I'll forsake for you
First of all, Chris, it's called a loo.
It's condensation, Johnny.
Those Silly Nannies are
just a bunch of losers.
I came up with an idea.
You keep calling here and threatening
me, I'm gonna notify the police.
What kind of suit you
want to be buried in?
Treaches on the upper
with the trang sang.
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 08, 2006
After Brian has a near-death experience in the hospital, he decides to lead a new life. He ends up getting a nightly singing gig with Frank Sinatra Jr., but his new lifestyle doesn't last very long. Meanwhile, Meg, after joining a new after-school group, pretends to be a lesbian.
- I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a...
- Joe, are you all right?
- You need to get out of the house.
- I don't know. I'm a little depressed.
Listen, Sarah. I can't be in your club.
I'm not a lesbian.
Do you have any other friends
to invite to your party?
Sunshine Bear! Wait!
That you don't have that blue vein up there
that some of the bigger ones get.
Excuse me. I got a thing to do.
It was amazing. I got to tell you, he said some
things that were exactly what I needed to hear
I feel more exhilarated
than Peter did when he swam with the bulls.
Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like
you're taking a white poop. But it stuck.
Then they can say,
"I'm not going to pick up those cards. "
Whoa, easy, kid. These people
paid good money to get in here.
- Figure it out for yourself.
- We're freezing our asses off over here.
- I can't hear you over my central heating.
- Go to hell!
- What is this, Lois?
- It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe.
Peter! You know, some people
would be very happy to have this food.
Peter! Meg, you are not a lesbian.
Oh, yeah. He's... He was right here,
right next to me, like, four hours ago.
Here's where the story gets fun.
You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.
- My ear's in a cup. I guess that doesn't count.
- I'm not his baby-sitter. I have my own life.
Don't worry. I don't need to go to the hospital.
I'll just use this Mr Potato Head piece.
I just want to apolo... You know what?
Forget it. I don't need this. I'm outta here.
So just Pay It Forward
and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.
Come on, Meg, you can stop the charade.
I went into a store last week
and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV,
And sometimes I open the back part and pee
there, so when you flush, pee come out.
I could do without the Triscuits,
but they sure are good.
I hope it's OK if I pay you in pennies.
Is that why you've been
on this path to self-destruction?
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not
baking powder. It's sneezing powder.
- Hey, Meg. What are you doing here?
- Sarah, I gotta get something off my chest.
What? So all those rounds of golf
we played, those were all lies?
That was awful. That was just awful.
What do you think, Mark?
Aired 11 years ago - Dec 18, 2005
When Peter’s dad comes to visit, he tries to impose his religious beliefs on the family. But after a mix-up with the holy-water leaves Stewie in a bubble, Peter decides to form a church worshiping his hero, the Fonz.
I got a whole bunch of rows of teeth
to chew you with.
I'll talk to him, Lois, but when my dad wants
something, it's like sex with Kobe Bryant.
Nothing says "eat up" like a bleeding
half-naked Jew nailed to a piece of wood.
All right, Dad. I don't want you to hate me,
so I'll make a deal with you.
Go ahead, switch over to ABC
for five seconds. I'll wait five seconds.
Our last shipment of holy water is tainted.
There's no such thing as tainted holy water.
Come on! We'll do it ourselves.
which has weakened his immune system.
Do you know what the best part of this is?
Try licking yourself.
Maybe I should pick my own religion.
The question is, which one?
And Tiffany, the woman
who stands downtown and screams at traffic.
- Did you just throw those women away?
- No. Maybe.
At least you're in no danger,
since you only visit church
I'll lull you into a false sense of security
like those network television announcers.
Then a sniper's bullet threatens
a partnership on all-new Cagney & Lacey.
here to spread the good news
of the story of Jesus.
He would travel from place to place
putting things right that once went wrong
through which all light, rejuvenation,
joy and ecstasy may enter the human form.
- There we go.
- Thank you, Arthur.
Todd, I feel like we'll never
have a baby of our own.
Honey, now I want you to visualise Lindsay
Lohan naked, doing a backwards crab walk.
Wanna get some breakfast or something?
That's a better deal
than that Aaron Neville megaphone.
I don't think anyone's
gonna want to worship the Fonz.
This is church. A new church, created by
a man brave enough to follow his own vision.
Fonzie's cool, Brian. Deep down, I think
we all secretly yearn to be Italian and stupid.
"'And, yea, for I am holy, befriendeth I will
Sticks Downy, the only Negro in Wisconsin. "'
Well, as soon as I figure out where I am,
you're dead, Brian!
I never thought you could ever embarrass me
more than you did at Cousin Mary's wedding.
Peter's found another way to exploit
people's ignorance and that's wrong.
I suggest we set aside our differences
and work together.
Are you kidding? I'm telling everybody!
- What are you talking about?
- Hi. I'm Sherman Hemsley.
I thought I was connecting with people.
Yeah. And "La Isla Bonita" - not a real place.
I looked it up, bought a globe, couldn't find it.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 27, 2005
Lois discovers she has a brother named Patrick and takes the family cross-country to meet him. It turns out; he’s locked up in a mental institution. Lois thinks he’s sane, so she checks him out to live with the Griffins. Meanwhile, Peter starts
the Society for the Acceptance of Fat Men. But when all the fat men of Quahog are strangled one-by-one the group lives in fear. Who could the “Fat Man Strangler” be?
Well, Mr Griffin, let's take a look
at your physical results.
It's been in the microwave
for three minutes. Now...
OK. This is news to me.
- You are on the large side.
- Please, Brian.
Careful, Peter. That's an old family photo.
My mother gave it to me.
- Hello, pumpkin.
- Hello, Daddy.
- Dick. Thank God you're here. Talk to her.
- Message CM-27.
The only way is to check the family records.
They get so doped up on sleeping pills and
liquor, an earthquake wouldn't wake them up.
I do have a brother.
My God. I've got to meet him.
Who needs constant electronic video
stimulation when there's ball in a cup?
- OK, hang on. See this?
I'll get to meet that ass Stone Phillips. He's
the kind of guy you hate till he's inside you.
- Take that, you bitch.
- What the hell?
Well, when I was just a little boy,
I had a very traumatic experience.
Well, you seem perfectly normal to me.
It's great to eat with my family
instead of a bunch of chronic masturbators.
That's the way it is. It's nobody's fault. Meg.
But I've decided to do something about it.
- Cybill Shepherd?
Nice to meet you, Marian.
Hey, guys. I'm going for a run. Do me a favour
and keep Marian company while I'm gone.
Hey, Brian, Brian.
What if I put this cucumber right here?
We should let it sit here
for a couple of weeks and see if it pickles.
You don't deserve to have sex with me.
I'm gonna eat the whore out of you.
I love Jackie Gleason. Hey, take a look
at what I bought at this TV convention.
Right in the kisser.
Right in the kisser.
The hospital said you released Patrick.
Have you lost your mind? He's dangerous.
all of them very very fat.
Dropped some pepperoni on there.
You know what? That works. Sew it up.
People, people. I know what'll make us
feel better. Let us sing the NAAFP anthem.
Until they find the fat-guy strangler, we will
stay here. Victor, don't lean against that.
- That sounds good.
- I just found my penis.
- He went into James Woods. Let's find him.
- We'll head him off at the...
- That doesn't mean he's the fat-guy strangler.
- What about the dead fat guy under his bed?
- How are we gonna find them?
- I'm good at finding people.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 20, 2005
Lois thinks Stewie is trying to kill her due to his lack of quality time with his father, so she orders Peter to spend more time with Stewie. Meanwhile Chris starts a friendship with Herbert.
That's how I won friends
when I worked for E!.
All right. I'll do something special for her.
Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home
and I was just wondering,
- Peter's been preoccupied with work lately.
- What happens to us in the future?
- It's your kids. Something's gotta be done.
- I think it's great. Congratulations.
- I don't think I'm comfortable around you.
Oh, my God. I am so sorry.
At the end of the day, if you're exhausted and
your face is wet, it means you did a good job.
From hereon out,
it's gonna be nothing but smooth sailing.
I wanted to tell you Opie will not be receiving
employee of the month. He's being promoted.
- We need to talk about your son.
- The fat one or the funny-looking one?
OK. You can make a box fort. See?
Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort.
Great idea bringing Stewie here.
Hey, remember those hot homeless twins
who live under the overpass? Last night...
And this is the hand
that caused all the trouble.
You can'tjust take him places you want to go.
He's a baby.
- Hey, Dad. It's me.
- So where were we?
- Right about here.
That rice got you, bitch.
She looks mad. You better go to your room.
I feel awful. We were getting along and now
he hates me. How do I get him to like me?
Yeah, right. I'm gonna change my mind.
Wow. It looks like Michael Jackson's
coming right at me.
Well, I done seen about everything,
but I sure enough ain't seen your boy, nohow.
Is Chris doing chores
for that disgusting man?
Those multicultural slave children belong
to the Disney Corporation. Get 'em, Achmed.
Quick, in here.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 13, 2005
After writing a story for a local magazine, Brian gets a job at The New Yorker.
Our writers' lounge,
where you'll meet some contributors.
Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny
to be the A-Team after all.
maybe you can hire the A-Team.
My incarcerated business partner's retarded
gay niece went to Brown. What year?
I was only one course shy of graduating
and I just cracked under the pressure.
- Plenty of people do that.
- You know, that's not a bad idea.
- What are you doing here?
- Are you kidding?
He already has a roommate - me.
We're a couple of crazy college kooks.
and ramen noodles and condoms
for sexual relations with our classmates.
The A-Team is ready to help rid the world
of injustice and evil.
I'm sorry. I just came from that
orientation seminar about college dating.
- Good morning, class.
- Can I borrow a pencil?
Fluffy! Fluffy, come down!
- Get off my property!
- Yeah, that's probably a good idea. Let's go.
- All done.
- What? I can't use this. It'd be cheating.
Just got lucky, I guess.
- Hey, what's up B-Ri?
- Stewie, just give me a beer.
Once again, Ashlee Simpson.
Yeah, he's the chairman
of the soccer ball team.
Roger Williams Park?
That sounds like ajob for the A-Team.
Ah, Brian, I am glad you could come
to my faculty cocktail party.
I am sorry you had to see that.
Now, what was it you wanted to say?
- Oh, that feels so good.
- Oh, oh, oh. Oh, yeah. Like that.
No, it's not. It's Roger Williams Park and
we're here to stop you from destroying it.
I had a cousin got in a fender-bender
at five miles an hour.
It happens. They call 'em chop shops.
Makes it harder to track stolen parts.
We were ready to save Roger Williams Park
and we got sidetracked by idle conversation.
Now back to The Facts of Life.
- Well, yeah, doesn't everybody?
Lois, Lois. It's over, all right?
I'm not going.
This is not funny.
I don't wanna see Mr Hoover.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 06, 2005
After a “wardrobe malfunction” occurs during a live broadcast, the FCC begins to censor all of Peter’s favorite shows. As a result, Peter creates his own station, PTV, which broadcasts from the Griffin home. Peter and Brian create their own edgy programming until the FCC shows up to shut down PTV and censor all controversial material in Quahog.
Meg sucks. Everything she does
is so freaking terrible and depressing.
- I gotta watch the Emmys.
- You're going to Meg's play and that's that.
- Say you like eating red carpet.
- I like eating red carpet.
Wait a minute. You can't fool me that easily.
You are not watching the Emmys.
Thanks for having me
to your birthday party, Peter. Make a wish.
Hey, I'm gonnajump all those trash cans.
Well, now you know how George W Bush felt
when he showed up in Vietnam.
- It's... Wow, so I'm way late. Oh, boy.
- Perhaps we should ask the chairman.
- Good idea.
Stay tuned for Three's Company.
I'll stimulate the economy
by buying an American car.
You're on TV.
Can't you do something about this?
I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you.
Itjust slammed me into a mountain.
What do you expect to accomplish?
Good night, Elizabeth.
Good night, John Boy.
Brian, that's a great idea. That's exactly
what we need to take PTV to the next level.
How about that side boob? That turn you on?
Shiksa, don't start with me.
I forgot to go, I should've gone.
You ate it? But I told you
my boss was coming for dinner.
Norman Mailer will read
an excerpt from his latest book,
For your information,
it's called Dogs Humping.
- I dared him.
- All right. Here we go.
Turn off the windshield wipers.
They don't work. They're making it worse.
They will make you take a tinkle
when you want to take a piss
Make ajoke about your bowels
and they order in the troops
You're gonna have to do her
with your ding-a-ling
They're the fellas at the freakin' FCC
Well, Mr FCC, you can stop PTV, but you can
never stop people from being who they are.
Until you and all of Quahog
start to clean up your act,
Lois, you are so full of...
extension cord... wetness...
with a parking ticket - that is the best.
the world wouldn't have
some of its most inspired creations.
He got chocolate in my peanut butter.
What? Wait, we're not allowed to have sex?
Come on, you son of a...
OK, so you're free to go.
But we're cool, right?
I set that thing up 15 years ago.
Hey, where's the clown?
East of Eden? So you pretty much
do whatever Oprah tells you to.
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 25, 2005
When Chris is supposed to be hazed for a school tradition, he runs off to South America; Peter quickly becomes frustrated by his new job at the beer factory.
Karen pretends to leave home
for the 20th time.
He had some strippers in the studio.
They sounded hot.
Now have a good day at schooI, sweetie.
"warlock, more powerfuI astronaut,
beer expert. "
Wow, that sounds even better than
when I got paid to take part in that study.
Okay, tonight's my OC party.
Look, you can't run away
from your problems, Chris.
we ended up eating all the food
the World Health Organization...
Wait a second. Don't we know someone
who was in the Peace Corps?
The kid's obviously confused.
This might be good for him.
And by the way, the word "colored" still
flies down there. So, get your fill.
Never had it. Never will.
- Chris, are you all right?
- Chris, buddy, thank God you're okay!
How's the food in South America?
- How's school?
- Hi, Stewie...
So, this is where you'll be working,
Mr. "I don't have time
for your Little League games. "
Actually, he's kind
of been going overboard lately.
- You're a hero.
- No. Lou Gehrig was a hero.
Well, I guess the joke's on me.
Ha, ha, ha!
Mr. Griffin, we have different rules here.
For starters, no drinking. Period.
So, in my absence, you will listen to him.
Well, Kevin, I would say, first of all,
don't shave or shower.
You send my souI sky high
when your lovin' starts
And take me dancing tonight
Do, do do do do.
Ohh! We got a letter from Chris!
I told you, Peter. I never should
have let him out of my stomach.
Always gets me where I need to go
Now, get your things together.
We're leaving right now.
- You are richest man in the country.
- Richest man in the country?
Because I'm tired of being treated like crap
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 18, 2005
When Peter and the guys decide to go fishing, they end up caught in a storm. Stranded on a desert island, their families fear the worst. Rescued by a cruise ship months later, Peter surprises Lois at home, where he finds out that she has a new husband.
'Cause I'm not afraid of a challenge.
Like that time I outfarted MichaeI Moore.
- Brian, look after the family.
- Aye, aye.
That's why I built you
a widow's walk, Lois.
You gotta drink if you did the thing
that the person says they never did.
to take home and choke me,
while I touched myself.
But me, I like the visuaI slapstick gag.
Like this comically oversized powder puff.
which is working his or her
way up the coast.
- That's a hell of a catch, Peter.
- Guys, this is great.
Everybody, look at the snow
in the yard
Holy crap, here come Jesus
And he doesn't look too happy
And their vesseI was swept to the bottom
of the briny deep.
Give me that.
Okay, you know what.
Let's just agree to disagree.
Well, that was worth
the eight-year boat ride.
You won't be hurting anyone anymore.
Okay, here's one.
One of those funny little guys
And we all know
that men have certain needs.
Boy, I'm sure glad
nobody's here to see this.
Don't worry, Mr. Ulrich,
we'll get you to the hospitaI.
- Oh, it's so good to see you guys.
- Peter, we'd given up hope.
What the hell... Who was there for you?
You married Brian?
Thanks for saving our family, now scram.
And besides, he's been great with the kids.
Oh, Peter. I just feeI terrible about this.
So any possibility of...
Yeah, like we could get her drunk
and take turns having sex with her.
all right, past. Here I come.
- Oh, hello, Lois.
I know what you're trying to do...
You knock it off.
You're the one with the magnet.
I trust her completely.
I'm looking for a car that's been
tricked out to look like an ice-cream truck.
What's this? What's this, Brian, huh?
What's this, huh?
I'm sorry, Lois, I was mistaken.
I thought you threw the ball in there...
Hello, MTV, I think
I would be perfect for The ReaI World.
- Wow, I can't believe they didn't take you.
- Shut up!
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 11, 2005
Peter and Brian’s friendship becomes strained after Brian begins dating one of Meg’s high school teachers. Peter finds a replacement friend in James Woods, who is visiting Quahog because of a suggestion to rename James Woods High after Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Oh, you've got a date! What's his name?
That'll be more pathetic than that game
of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller.
You know, it's like I tell the other
volunteers down at the adoption center:
Working at James Woods High is great.
We should get them to rename the schooI
after Dr. King.
we just finished reading
The Da Vinci Code at my book club.
Good night, sweetie.
Where did you go? Oh, this is impossible.
Hey, there you are, Brian.
We're all set for tonight, right?
Hey, you almost done in the john?
'Cause we're late for darts.
Hey, what's that? What's that?
Is that a dog?
Nothing like a good story
to recharge your batteries.
I mentioned to Shauna that they ought to
change the name of James Woods High...
No, that's Martin Landau.
Well, thanks for playing.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
Peter, you're acting like an idiot.
By the way,
I just want to remind everybody...
Now, unless there is any objection,
I move that the board pass this measure.
That's why he got fired from that airline.
Let me just say, I'm all in favor
of renaming the schooI after Dr. King.
You're pretty much offensive
to all five senses.
Oh, Brian, there you are.
Look who's here for lunch.
Then why did you pick Martin Luther King?
Well, Peter, thanks for lunch.
Oh, screw that.
You'll stay with me right here.
Someone to care for
Whichever betides you
Someone to strive for
And I have James Woods
Would you like some corn?
I brought it from home.
This song is about me!
I brought it from home, because I don't
like the creamed corn they have here.
and I figure, I don't know, I thought
maybe we could be friends again, huh?
- James, you got to bite down.
- I got a question, Peter.
your eye is drawn to me.
at the Miss USA Pageant?
Hey, how are you? I'm Peter.
- What's going on?
- Hello, Peter.
Aired 12 years ago - Jul 24, 2005
Lois fulfills a lifelong dream of being a model. Stewie starts on a multi-level marketing company. Brian in need of cash to buy his de-worming medication agrees to become his salesman.
You and I get to stay
in my old high-schooI room.
It actually goes to Nelly.
But, Daddy, they offered me a contract.
You know what's interesting?
I've only been allve for six weeks.
on your poop deck.
I say, I could be a millionaire playboy.
"Making copies. " Remember that?
There they are, team Pewterschmidt.
Maybe I was wrong about you.
Maybe I was wrong about all men.
Who is this?
We love you, honey.
Hey, where's Meg?
Don't lie to me, Brian. I know what this is.
Cashscam? Are you kidding? I don't want
anything to do with that pyramid scheme.
Oh, my God. Movable printed type.
I said now!
- I didn't hurt anybody.
- Scat, Mister.
Oh, Brian, you're here. Good.
Okay, let me give you the rundown.
You'll pick up the phone
and you'll sell, sell, sell.
all right. Heads, Rhode Island.
I could get you a lot more work
if you sign with my agency.
Brian, could you
come in here for one second?
Grover. Grover. Grover.
untiI he gets out of rehab.
Hey. Peter Griffin. How's it going?
Hi, is Mr. Donald Nguyen there, please?
that's dangerously close
to the word "bitch," isn't it?
Meg, who let you back in the house?
Lois, sooner or later
every modeI needs a little boost, huh?
Wow. Lois, you look great.
Jacket off. Jacket off. Jacket off.
You can't stop me from modeling, Peter.
I got invited to a Vogue magazine party.
Brian, thanks for showing up so promptly
for your quarterly evaluation.
You look like Snoopy,
and it makes me smile.
we could sure use
a fellow like you in Cincinnati.
Oh, Brian, your fur is so soft.
Stewie, your head is so smooth.
Well, Lois was always a wild stallion...
- It hurts.
- This is for Lois. Go on.
Aired 12 years ago - Jul 17, 2005
Lois’ kleptomania lands her in jail, leaving the Griffin household in a worse state of disarray than usual. Peter and the family break her out and end up fugitives in Asian Town.
then I have to make dinner. I am so busy.
It's fun to pretend.
This is cute.
And on this beautifuI new china.
You guys have a lot of new stuff.
Hey, Bonnie. Listen, why don't you stop
with the questions, huh?
Moving on. So I finally tried Viagra and-
It is settled, May.
Our parents have consented...
- We can? Great. all right, we got a movie.
Let me rub your belly.
what I've been writing down
as we go to commerciaI...
A ghost! It's okay. It's okay.
Oh, crap. all right, look, just take it easy,
Joe. all right, Lois will go peacefully.
- It's okay, Joe, I understand.
- Shut up, maggot!
- all right, three years it is.
- Three years in prison?
Here you go. Meet your new friends.
I wish she was here
to clean up all this stuff.
'cause I just can't fit any more in there.
You know, I love doing a woman in the can.
Oh, giggidy, giggidy, goo!
Like the other night,
I had to go to your book club meeting.
And the other night, I had to do a...
The only upside is that it's given me time
to think about why I ended up in here.
I made my own bed with this one, guys.
- You're all accessories to my escape.
- She's right. We're fugitives from the law.
We'll blend in
to the fabric of that community.
If we're gonna hide out here in Asiantown
we have to find a place to live.
Sorry, my mistake.
My God, it's Ethan Hawke!
Tell me about it. I haven't seen
one female baby since we got here.
Damn! I say, I seem to have sewn
a shoe to my hand, may I go to the nurse?
Oh, are you kidding?
I'm a born athlete, just like Greg Louganis.
Well, we're gonna take the high road
and do a no-body-hair joke.
Not the Griffins, you moron!
brought to you by Asian Trix.
Oh, my God!
Did you walk?
- Hey, everybody, I'm home.
- Oh, you're just in time.
- Corn is always interesting.
- What the hell are you doing?
- It's wet down there, Brian.
Aired 12 years ago - Jul 10, 2005
Peter runs up his tab at Mort’s Pharmacy. When he doesn’t have the money to pay, he decides to sell Meg to the Goldmans. Neil is dating another girl which makes Meg jealous, and Stewie falls in love with Liddane, his new babysitter. Also the one where they all get sick.
- Well, not right now, but-
- Ah, sweet!
with host Paula Poundstone.
Finally. Look, Mom, I've had it.
I am not baby-sitting anymore.
Like the time I was on Blind Date.
- How's everybody doing?
- Good. Good so far.
I'm starting to feeI funny.
The vulture thinks he's a cowboy.
Now, what do you feeI quallfies you
to be an effective baby-sitter for Stewie?
So, I see here you worked for a family
for a number of years.
My God, I haven't been this exhilarated
since Brian took me to see Les Miserables.
Unbelievable! Oh, my God!
How lucky are we, huh?
Peter, it's the end of the month,
and I'm calling your tab.
You drop the tab,
and your son can have Meg.
Excuse me. If anybody is interested,
I already have a girlfriend.
Stick around. More Family Guy coming up.
Yeah, you don't know how hard it was
to find one of those in English.
Yeah. Well, this here? It's just my package.
Stewie, you're so cute,
I can't even stand it.
all right, ladies, enough chitchat.
That's what I love about high-schooI girls.
Must I lock up your tongue
with the rest of the silver?
Now go back to the quad
and resume your Hacky Sack tourney!
Yes, we all love Mr. Plow.
You've got the song memorized, do you?
he was just a stranger
videotaping me through the window.
Of course, I'm understandably skepticaI
of your newfound affection for me.
I can't believe we're going out.
This is so cooI.
Colin Farrell, so I was talking
to my wife, Dixie, the other day...
Here's your iPod, so you can listen
to The Streaks while you gasp for air.
let me just hold you for a while.
Well, how about no more job?
You hear that, Miss Fussy Britches?
- You didn't do it.
- You didn't do it, either.
- You suck. You suck.
- You suck.
The only way out
is if NeiI commits an infidelity.
Listen, I certainly hope you'll excuse
last night's indiscretion.
Aired 12 years ago - Jun 26, 2005
"The Bachelorette" comes to Quahog and Brian is chosen to be a contestant. Brian does not like the show, but participates just to have a vacation only to wind up falling in love with the bachelorette. Meanwhile, Chris gets a nasty pimple on his cheek, which talks to Chris and likes to cause mischief.
So, why would you be a good candidate
on The Bachelorette?
We still got one guy waiting.
It's all right. It's okay. It's the fabric.
Cleveland, no, you're staying.
This is for your own good.
confused about what he really wants.
Brian, I can't believe
you're gonna be on The Bachelorette.
How you coming on that noveI
you're working on, huh?
Little story brewing there? Working on?
Now light it, ring the doorbell,
and run like hell!
I'm doing the dishes, Joe.
I'll change you in a minute.
Top-shelf booze, I tell you.
And I am looking forward
to getting to know you while we're here.
Me, too. I really value our friendship.
Gentlemen, it's time
for the first rose ceremony.
Hello. I know. I saw.
Doug told me I don't need to listen to you.
Welcome to the Saddleback Ranch
and our first group date.
- Hey, there, Adam.
- Hello, Henry.
Oh, I just can't take it anymore.
- What do you like?
- DJ Jazzy Jeff!
And maybe you can cut out when I said
junk earlier, the whole Chevy Chase thing.
For God's sake, you used to make
Plasto molds of celebrity body parts.
but I got to be honest, I've never
felt this way about anyone before.
Come on in and tell me everything.
So, how long have you been a prostitute?
Joe, what are you doing here?
Oh, yeah? I'm inside your head now, fatty.
Yeah, where are all the whiteheads at?
You're choosing me?
After what happened with my family?
Don't you talk to Mittens that way.
Mittens is a member of this family.
'cause you might be trying
to call me right now.
Listening to our guy Coltrane,
you know. Okay.
- Package for Brooke Roberts.
- Oh, that's me. Thanks.
Aired 12 years ago - Jun 19, 2005
After winning a game of Trivial Pursuit, Peter is convinced he is a genius. To prove Peter wrong, Brian suggests he take a test of the MacArthur Genius Grant. The test results say that Peter is technically mentally challenged. Peter has no
problem abusing this handicap until Lois is injured and the kids are taken away because Peter is not mentally fit for parenting.
Good thing I just watched that
National Geographic special on fire trucks.
"that marked a major turning point
for Christianity in Europe. "
What a feeling.
Look, a wagon wheeI.
- Is that healthy?
- What's the worst that could happen?
I agree as well. Shallow and pedantic.
You ever heard
of the MacArthur genius grant?
I'm sorry. Just please trust the analysis.
you might want to get yourself tested.
You know, Peter, I hate to say "I told you
so" about not being a genius, but...
Not your years of grotesque appearance
or awkward sociaI graces...
What is that?
- Well, you know, I took this test...
Hello, Mrs. Griffin,
it's your neighbor, Quagmire!
Griffin. Party of two.
These water wings didn't help at all.
Oh, my God.
Do I look like I'm all right?
My back is broken and my leg is twisted!
"And on the sixth day, God said:
You're just curious.
Peter's just expressing himself.
all right, you're gonna love this. So...
Hang on a sec.
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
Excuse me, pardon me, coming through.
- Peter, get back here.
- No freaking way.
What is this now?
Does your face have a pelvis?
She used to be in movies,
but she's not in movies anymore.
If y'all get hungry,
there's some cottage cheese in the fridge.
I heard he bought it from his dad.
I'm just gonna go back to my place
and rent a dirty movie.
Oh, God. Hang on!
I'm Dan Rather.
One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven
And thank you, Agent Jessup,
for your comically misleading remarks.
so I'll let everyone know
what he's saying and doing.
And, do you see the culprit or culprits
in this courtroom today?
I love them.
In fact, if I could...
Aired 12 years ago - Jun 12, 2005
When Peter hears Loretta scream, he tries to help out, but discovers Loretta is cheating on Cleveland. Peter figures out that it was Quagmire and decides to tell Cleveland about it. But when Loretta walks out on Cleveland he doesn't take it lightly. Peter also takes to the skies in the Hindenpeter and the Petercopter.
I see a lot of smiles here in this room.
No takers? Well, fine. I'll go first.
And that's pretty much all there is to it.
But, you know,
you have my e-mall address.
Holy crap, a card with my name on it!
Sorry, I was diallng the phone.
Are you all right?
Sir? I'm gonna need you
to stop struggling, all right?
This is worse than
when they took away my library card...
I got to figure out some way
to get that card back.
of that sugar in my bowI.
So I guess the only thing left to do...
And I am sorry.
I hate to tell you, boy, that you have AIDS
You've got the AIDS
I wish it was something less serious.
I've been wanting to talk to you
- That was a minor inconvenience.
- Yeah, well, that's the idea.
Loretta, is it true what they're saying?
with that "Riunite on ice,
that's nice" mentallty.
Can I touch your hair?
Right. I almost got an ulcer
after you shelled out $200...
What Cleveland really needs right now
is to learn how to express his feelings.
Peter, he's the one we saw
sleeping with Loretta!
I can only imagine
what you must be feeling right now.
You got to push back a little!
Those are so his mannerisms.
- Lois! Somebody!
- Quagmire's got you. Yeah.
all right, calm down, Cleveland.
It's okay. It's okay.
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- Are you okay? You all right?
- It's okay. I'm fine.
It is my job. I only ask
that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie...
You know, Endora,
I'm getting a little sick of this crap.
ran for student counciI.
Will you be joining us for dinner?
try to get things back
to the way they used to be?
You guys look stupid.
Aired 12 years ago - Jun 05, 2005
When Meg gets turned down for a date, she asks her family for support. Lois ends up taking her to the mall, where she gets the ultimate makeover. Meanwhile, Peter tries to start a band with the guys, but when their first gig fails, the family ends
up performing. Impressed by Meg's singing, a record producer signs the family, and their travels eventually land them on "Saturday Night Live."
Reinvent The Clam's image
and we'll help you.
Well, I think we made it worse.
- God, I don't believe this.
- That is why you fall.
- You finding everything okay?
- Yes, thank you.
I am so outrageous. Give me the cash.
But first, let's go
to the Quahog Mega-Mall...
Miss Takanawa! Miss Takanawa!
- Face it, The Clam is doomed.
- Come on, guys, we can't give up now.
It's no use, this place is finished.
Meg, honey, I always thought
you were beautifuI just the way you...
to be a morning after
We won't be searching anymore
She took the midnight train
Some were born to sing the blues
Yeah, they loved us.
Gentlemen, this is a sign.
I'm ants at a picnic? all right.
Just making sure.
as long as you play kickass rock and roll
and do this with your tongue.
- Great job getting hot, Meg.
- Gee, thanks.
- Hey, I'm here to pick you up.
Yeah, there was a pretty positive review
carved in Tony's ass.
One, two, three, four...
It was the day
of the tuna hot-dish jamboree...
Mom, can we please just get out of here?
Just open up your heart
It'll be all right
You guys were great.
My name's Jimmy lovine.
- We cooI? We good?
- Yeah, we're cooI. Fine.
Peter Griffin Starship,
Peter Griffin and the Sunday Steppers...
Wait a minute.
but business is business.
So, let's get this show on the road, huh?
You guys know I have no problem
with black people, right?
And we thought there might be a place
for us to sing on the next album.
I want to have intercourse
- Excuse me, young lady?
- Did I freaking stutter?
- Right, Missus Wong?
- Yeah, she band. Old lady jealous.
This is even more fun than
when I performed at the White House.
Why don't you come hang out
in my dressing room?
Aired 12 years ago - May 15, 2005
After Mort bowls a perfect game, and Quagmire gets a key to the city by performing CPR, Peter notices he has nothing to be proud of. He then attempts to achieve fame by setting the world's record for most nickels swallowed. However, a slight miscalculation leaves him blind with nickel poisoning.
you'd like the insurance policy
to be paid to your wife?
all right, all right,
look, I know an apology is due here...
We have had it
with his disrespect for women.
all right. But one more incident
like the one at the bowling alley...
Old nuns. Really old nuns.
I got the idea from when Brian
had to wear that cone after his operation.
What the hell's CPR?
You're always getting medals
for catching crooks.
If I die tomorrow, there's nothing
people would remember me for.
even if I have to shout it
from the rooftops.
which is why I've invented
a new type of flying machine.
we attack the Rice Krispie guys at dawn,
assuming Judd Hirsch delivers the goods.
Pick up your trash!
I want to know whose cup this is.
"Give a larbage, throw out your garbage. "
- Here's to Snap.
- To Snap.
Not too smart, huh?
He was attacked by a pack of wild dogs
he thought he saw.
just like the world's fattest twins
I'm off to make trouble
for the establishment.
Mr. Griffin appears to have succumbed
to nickeI poisoning...
they got a Happy Days spoof in here...
I don't know, Brian.
I mean, I guess I can give it a shot.
Just let me do all the work. Yeah.
You do all your homework?
Finish all your subjects?
- Peter, what the hell is that?
- This is my Seeing Eye dog, Brutus.
If you're heading to the store later...
I know. I'm so worried about him.
Well, a little mascara wouldn't kill you.
Aired 12 years ago - May 08, 2005
Brian becomes a substitute teacher at Chris' school after his teacher wins the lottery. When Brian is moved to teach a class of troubled kids, Chris falls in love with his new teacher, Mrs. Lockhart, who promises to love Chris only if he kills her husband. When Lois finds out, she and Stewie decide to teach Chris a lesson.
Aired 12 years ago - May 01, 2005
Peter and Lois decide to go on a second honeymoon. But when Peter crashes the car, he decides to pose as Mel Gibson to stay in his fancy hotel suite, where they find a copy of a "The Passion of the Christ" sequel. They attempt to destroy the film and end up being chased by two priests who went to retrieve the film.