Aired 16 years ago - Aug 01, 2000
After a father-son camping trip, Peter realizes how irresponsible Chris is after raccoons steal their food and their car. Back at home, Peter gets Chris a job at the local golf course to try and teach him to be more responsible. Chris is content to
just pick up golf balls, until he discovers that Peter has entered the father-son golf tournament, with Cleveland Jr.!
Discouraged that Peter is focusing all his attention on Cleveland Jr., Chris rebels by hanging out with Quagmire at strip clubs. Ultimately, Cleveland Jr. abandons Peter who recruits Chris at the last minute. However, when they lose, Peter must deal with an angry group of gamblers who put money on Cleveland Jr. Despite all the recent heartache, Chris gives his dad his first paycheck in order to save his butt!
Hey, Quagmire, you up for some campin'?
I used it to make the fort from F Troop.
Bang! I'm Daniel Boone.
I'm a man. I'm a big man.
- You think he's onto us, Christof?
- No. He's an idiot.
- I'm not here to impress you. Am I, Dad?
- Did I say you could rest yet?
If you turn the light on,
they slam him into the fridge.
You remember that short-lived sitcom Fish?
Oh, my God! My fish is gone!
Chris, you are responsible for
guarding the camp while we fish.
Hold me for what?
Look, Stewie. Look at the dancin' kitty.
and somewhere, Scott Baio
is ploughin' a woman he doesn't love.
Yeah. All we caught was a tyre, a boot,
a tin can and this book of clichés.
"And then there's a guy. Let's get him
in trouble with his dad! Ha ha ha!"
I'll teach the boy. Come, my son.
I'll show you the ways of the herd...
Well, you always do the skull gag
when you're depressed. Talk to me.
Then I tried teachin' him
how to get out of payin' a check.
Waiter, there's a dead guy in my...
Isn't she great?
Now you see why I married her.
For the Last Time, I'm not Mr T
by Ving Rhames.
You actually believe Lois
had them inject you to make you healthy?
I should have known.
Her treachery knows no limits. I...
to change my son from
a lazy slacker into a workin' man.
Hey, you that Griffin boy's father?
Paddy Tanninger, the caddy manager.
Hey, this kid here
just knocked the ball 300 yards.
Sometimes I wonder if he's got the epilepsy.
You and the robot go out into the wilderness
and take this mincing paedophile with you.
Huh? You'll see. I'm gonna turn this kid
into the greatest golfer ever.
I'd say it's some kind of mind-control serum.
Like when you were three,
and you ate those adult brownies
It's not small, no no no
Look, here's your first week's pay.
Package for Glen Quagmire.
- Hey, what's wrong, kid?
- My dad doesn't care about me any more.
Well, there's your problem.
Jobs are for suckers.
what does "hic-a-doo-La" mean?
- You got it.
- Would you hate me if I called you Webster?
This is the perfect way to show what a great
father figure I've been to Cleveland Junior.
Aired 16 years ago - Jul 25, 2000
In homage to “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory”, a local brewery has a contest offering tours of the plant to whoever finds a scroll placed in their beer. Lois’ prodigy piano student, Ling, drops from an upcoming competition leaving Lois at a loss, until Peter comes home drunk and sits down at the piano.
OK, be cool. Maintain.
fat people have Wisconsin,
and I have the Pawtucket Brewery.
Stop it! What if the kids
were to see you drinkin' like this?
- Oh, I don't have time for this.
Like saltwater taffy or a Chunky.
Yes, well, there are more important things
in life than a piano competition.
but I'm sure you're all with me when
I say "Congratulations, you son of a bitch."
Hey, you guys! It's a fake!
There's still a scroll out there!
I've found it! I've found the last scroll!
Now I know how Barbra Streisand felt
the day she married James Brolin.
Honey, I'm sorry. You know
you can't sneak up on me.
Let the tour begin.
What do you think of the one you call God
Or to Chumbawamba gobbledy-glue!
I got the mu... Oh, my God!
You'll drive drunker than Oksana Baiul
Though the beer may be free
This beer will still be carbonated
long after you die of old age
Must be the beer. Hey! Hey, check this out.
Holy crap! There's nothing to grab onto!
- Hey! Hey, pull my finger.
- My pleasure.
- I want you to leave immediately!
- Oh, come on!
Not now, Peter.
Meg and I are havin' a little girl time,
Peter, that's incredible!
I don't understand how...
- I... I can't!
- Peter, talent doesn't disappear just like that.
Oh, jeez, this hangover's killin' me. I haven't
felt this crappy since I went to that museum.
Huh. I think we've found his muse.
- You're gonna be my first champion.
- Oh, play that sad walking-away song
Uh-oh! Lois! I'm losin' my buzz!
Too bad Loretta doesn't allow
white literature in our household.
Now I ask you, why should
I kill this... Count Chocula?
Stay out of it, Herb.
You're not even his real father.
I've been keeping you ripped out of
your head for my own selfish needs.
Oh! I'll drive.
Aired 16 years ago - Jul 18, 2000
After an interview at Brown University, Meg realizes she needs more extra-curricular activities to gain entrance to this prestigious school. She joins every club and even tries cheerleading, but fails miserably at them all. Finally, she decides to
join the school newspaper.
Her journalism career goes nowhere, until Peter fabricates a story regarding actor Luke Perry. Peter writes a gossipy article, but uses Meg's byline. When the article is published it creates a sensation, because Peter claimed Luke Perry was gay. Meg and Peter soon become embroiled in a headline-grabbing lawsuit when Luke sues them for defamation of character.
Blast! This isn't the first time
I've been thwarted by my small stature.
It can enslave the human race.
Come on. It's solid titanium.
I'm tired of being small.
I'm not sure you're Brown material.
Don't you have any extracurricular activities?
- We're not having dinner.
- Then be quiet.
Lois, I challenge you
to a race around the world.
That was so sweet.
It was wicked, awesome.
You never seem to be that interested in
journalism-or journalists, such as myself.
- Are you Sarah Connor?
- No, I'm Meg Griffin. I need to interview you.
You just don't give up, do you?
That's why I started Stewie's Big and
Tall Man Shop. If you're portly or tall,
If I could build a device to harness
the size of that leviathan,
Mayor West, you've been talking for an hour
and I don't have anything I can use.
It's cost $150,000 of the taxpayers' money
You can't print that!
It'll compromise my entire investigation!
Not my bit, but still funny. System off.
Oh, my God. "Corruption
in City Hall." This is amazing.
I know kids, and this story's
gonna put 'em to sleep.
- Don't you read the papers? He's gay.
- You can't just print lies.
Don't mention it at the veterans' hospital.
Those guys are committed to the lie.
Ponies like food, don't they? Oh, boy.
it'll make people believe Meg's story is true!
- It's for a school project.
or I shall transform your blue collar
into a red one and...
All right, now, we gotta be very crafty
so Luke Perry doesn't recognise us.
Oh, my muscles are all...
Look, they're all shiny with oil.
Mission accomplished, Peter.
- How could Dad do this to me?
- Aw, honey, he wasn't doing it to you.
Come on. Let's go get our nails done.
Chris, take care of Stewie.
Aired 16 years ago - Jul 12, 2000
The town zoning laws won't allow Peter to build a pool in his yard. When he tries to get a permit, he discovers that his property is actually not part of Quahog, and therefore not part of the United States. Armed with this new information, Peter
makes his land his own country, calling it Petoria. When Peter gets no respect in the United Nation, he decides to invade Joe's pool, which brings the U.S. Army to his border. The Griffins can only survive so long without water, electricity, heat, or access to the United States, and finally, Lois and the kids leave President Peter, along with Brian, to his third-world country. Peter finally repatriates only a week after seceding.
Did you incur
any medical expenses this year?
OK. Here goes.
- You're not entitled to a refund.
- But at least I can give 'em a pool.
- Um... I say.
- Hey, Lois!
- What the...?
- Hi. You guys have any Cheese Doodles?
I'm gonna send you back
to hell where you belong.
- Ah, damn it.
I only have to wear one goggle
when I go swimming in my pool!
After my grandfather helped create one of
our most beloved cartoon characters.
Oh, you can all go to hell!
Step into my office.
What the hell are you talkin' about?
I've lived there for 12 years.
I'm not comin' back in a week, or ever!
- And that makes us our own country.
- What are you talking about?
A new foreign country which was founded
this week, here in our own back yard.
Thank you, Diane. So, Mrs Griffin, what's
it like being the woman behind the man?
My son Chris is in charge
of our space programme.
So where is the president now?
I'd say "Oh, yeah! That's nice.
That's the spot."
Peter, you can't drink that outside.
You're gonna end up in jail.
Uh-uh-uh! Can't touch me.
Can't touch me
It's Peter, go Peter, up Peter, yo, Peter,
let's see Regis rap this way, can't touch me
Man, this sucks. Hey, Podium Guy!
Hey, I got a problem here.
- Have a seat up front.
- Well, that's more like it.
- I don't shower.
- Oh, that's what that is.
Oh, yeah? Well, according to paragraph
seven, sentence three, word eight
- But this kind of behaviour can't be tolerated.
Diane, I'm here at the Petorian front,
where the US has cut off electricity,
Damn pig-dog Americans,
messin' with my family like this.
No. We're a real country. We deserve all
the rights and privileges everyone else gets.
Oh. Yeah, sorry, Lois.
- Fine. Why not just drop a bomb on him?
- What about that, Eleanor?
Can anybody tell me what the square root
of the hypotenuse is... Chris, is that a note?
Damn you, Rupert! Keep these loathsome
insects away, or you'll end up like Mr Giraffe.
Yes, and from the look
of those sweater cows, so can you.
No, no. No, no, this is fine.
I'm sorry. Were you just whipping me?
Or did I just get bit by a mosquito?
Iraq, Lois! You know what? I'm gonna invite
a few of these fellas over for a party.
- Just kidding. Is Muammar here?
- Yeah, he's over there with Saddam.
I say, I say, Achmed.
What is that thing you people do
I've had enough. You can keep this filthy
mess you call a country. Come on, kids.
Aired 16 years ago - Jun 27, 2000
Due to Brian's embarrassing flea problem, the Griffin's move into a hotel while the house if fumigated. Lois and Peter soon discover that Chris has been skipping gym class because he's self-conscious about his body. Peter tries to talk Chris into
getting liposuction, while Lois starts preparing him special low fat meals. Stewie starts taunting Chris by eating everything in sight, and starts packing on the baby fat.
Even though Chris isn't up for surgery, Peter decides to go for it. The new, svelte Peter has Lois all hot and bothered. Peter loves the results of his lipo and decides to have some work done on his face. The new, handsome Peter starts getting all sorts of special treatment: at the gym, at the grocery store, even from total strangers. Lois doesn't like the new Peter's attitude, especially when he joins "The Beautiful People's Club." Karma catches up to Peter while he's on his way to the club. Unable to take his eyes off himself, Peter plunges his car over a cliff. The nasty fall - and subsequent crash-landing into a large vat of lard - leaves him horribly disfigured (ie: back to normal).
Oh, come on. He'll call back.
Mom, there's fleas all over the house!
We got a 602 at 31 Spooner Street!
- They're in the carpet!
- Got one over here!
Well, you might wanna bring some cash,
cos some places don't take credit cards.
Oh, my. What a lovely room.
Oh, and it's so clean.
This is marvellous!
I feel like a young Johnny Weissmuller!
If I wanted to embarrass him,
I'd do somethin' like this.
- This is my son.
- Oh. My apologies.
I say, hello! You there!
I'm ready to get out! Somebody!
like your great-great-great-uncle
Jabba the Griffin.
Don't listen to your sister. Stickin' your finger
down your throat doesn't make you throw up.
Oh, yes! Yes!
- Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup! Hup!
- Hup! Hup-hup! Hup! Hup!
Dad, this says I gained weight.
I tell ya, he's been workin' out
all week and he hasn't lost a pound.
Well, Nell Carter used to be twice as big
before Broderick got through with her.
I'm like a Green Beret, you know.
I sneak inside you and I skulk around
and we have something very tasty
for big fat you. Bon appétit!
Dad took me to a doctor to get
the fat vacuumed out of my belly.
Peter, you can't just suck 200Ibs of fat
out of yourself. It's not natural.
- Could you... could you help me do it, Brian?
- Sure. I'd be honoured.
I like Hillary Clinton, I don't care
what anyone says. Argh!
Meg, you're not gettin' plastic surgery.
the great Eskimo actor Jennifer Love Hewitt.
or your eyes are too close together,
or your chest is flabby. You are who you are.
Oh, this is crazy. You walk in here
with your chiselled jaw and your...
You... you've really let this family down. We
should be embracin' the things God gave us,
- There's a baby in that refuse bin.
- Not too close, Barnaby.
Warren Fredericks, Quahog Beautiful
People's Club. Come on in front.
Well, as a rule, I would say no,
but OK, come in.
Hey, when you're beautiful,
doors magically open for you.
Here's your introductory basket.
It's got lotions, Ferrari sunglasses,
I would, but my doctor
advised me against heavy lifting.
- Yeah. I think it looks better.
- You pasted it over me.
Seein' us all might give him
somethin' to shoot for.
- What? Oh. Brian. I was...
But I've never been more attracted to him.
Does that make me a bad person?
Well, let me tell you somethin', buddy.
If my son can't come in, then I'll just come in.
Don't look at me! I'm hideous!
Aired 16 years ago - Jun 27, 2000
After the mob helps Peter with destroying his new beat up car, so he can get another new car, he must repay his debt to the mob by taking The Don's nephew, Big Fat Paulie, to the movies. Peter informs Paulie that they can't hang out anymore because of Lois, a misunderstanding that leads Paulie to believe that Peter wants Lois killed.
I didn't think I'd make a good Gigi either,
but, God help me, I was flattered.
Ha! You're just mad about the car.
Don't worry. I'll think of a way to fix it.
- Aw, shut up, Cleveland.
- Wanna talk about it, champ?
Peter, you don't wanna
get involved with the Mob.
for the next 15 minutes?
Look, Lois, we had a broken car, I did
"something", and now we have a new car.
- Relax, Cleveland, there is no Mob.
Peter, please don't underestimate them.
Silence. Big Fat Paulie's in town this week
to attend the wedding of my daughter.
That's it? That's all I have to do?
Ah, thank Go... Wait a second. Which movie?
- Yeah, I'm Big Fat Paulie.
- Hey. Guess I've got milk.
- No, what time is it?
- It's time for you to get your groove back.
- Home? You know, for dinner.
- Oh, yeah? What are we havin'?
I am gettin' tired of you doin' everything
without consultin' me. And...
You know, like an adhesive.
That's all he meant.
Hi, I'm Bob Goen,
and these are Mary Hart's legs.
This is my friend, Big Fat Paulie,
and, uh... this is his big fat ass.
Aw, jeez. It's not you, it's Lois.
She doesn't want me hangin' around with ya.
We make holes in teeth!
We make holes in teeth!
you're gonna fire that hit man?
- I sort of put a hit out on ya.
- How could you put a hit on me?
the chap who's been touting the merits
of a United European Commonwealth?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
- Aw, come on, you know, the don.
Boy, what a mismatched pair.
A free spirit and a puppet.
- All I got was this wedding invitation.
- Wait a second, Peter.
- Thank you, Peter.
- Go ahead, try it on.
Peter, I don't know how
to explain it any clearer than that.
Yes, because together we can do anything,
face any foe, overcome any obstacle.
- I'll be fine. All we have to do is blend in.
- No problem.
on this, the day of my daughter's wedding.
- Let me handle this.
- Peter, I thought we were a team.
Aired 16 years ago - Jun 13, 2000
Lois fears that Stewie needs to learn how to be social, so she sends him off to pre-school, where he falls in love with Janet, a girl who likes his cookies. Meanwhile, Lois becomes a flight attendant, and Peter takes advantage of the free flights.
I got 'em! Ha-ha-ha! It's just like hunting.
Oh, sweetheart, don't be upset.
You're gonna have fun here.
- Well... we could get hammered.
- Oh, it's too early for me, but you go ahead.
Maybe a part-time job
would liven up your days.
Nobody better come in here.
I'm the Griffins' house.
- Oh, now you've gone and upset the boy.
- Peter, this is a new chapter in my life.
So I'm, like, I got a job
for you, baby... right here!
So, what? You're just gonna dump me?
Just like that?
I didn't say anything.
Go to sleep, crazy lady.
Still, I find it odd that she's even on my mind
at all. What the deuce has come over me?
She's gone. Good. Well, I'm off.
- He's putting his arm on my armrest.
- It's my armrest.
Stewardess, the plane just made
my beer spill. I want a free one.
So let it be known I want absolutely nothing
to do with the wretched enterprise of love!
No, no, actually, it's Stewie, but, well,
you can call me Cookie if you like.
Oh! Oh, you want my cookie?
Oh, yes, by all means. Here you are.
Argh! Unhand me, woman.
I don't have gas, I'm in love!
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
Oh, God! Oh, God! Agh! Agh! Agh!
What? Lois, you can't quit.
What if Kurt Cobain had quit?
Well, I guess I'll give it a little
more time. It's like I always tell the kids -
Lois, we could use your help in coach.
Would you like a crumpet?
I would, because I'm Winston Churchill.
Wait a second. You're tellin' me I flew all the
way to Kentucky to get some fried chicken,
Have you seen the lips on that woman?
It's like a baboon's ass on her face!
- Ugh! Move. I have a lot of work to do.
- I can't, I'm stuck.
Well, Lois, at least one of us
is in the Mile High Club.
Here's an artist's rendering
of what they might look like.
We would have sent you with the others, but
we didn't know you were stuck in the toilet.
Uh... uh... uh...
We gotta get some fake passports
on the black market.
That is absolutely classic!
Melinda, you're an utter delight.
This is what you call dolled up? Why don't
you save yourself years of sexual ambiguity
I was lyin', but just so you know
it's somethin' we might have to deal with.
Aired 16 years ago - Jun 06, 2000
A plane smuggling psychedelic toads from Columbia crashes in Quahog, and toad-licked becomes the new drug of choice in the Quahog high school. Peter infiltrates the high school undercover as a cool kid named Lando Griffin, and is successful in
convincing all the kids to quit licking toads. Meg is trying to gain popularity so that a cool kid will ask her to the prom, and decides to go with Peter since he's established himself as an incredibly cool person. However, Peter can't help living out his own fantasies of being the coolest kid in school, and can't say no when the most popular girl in school asks him to the prom, so Peter ditches Meg. Peter and his date are chosen as king and queen of the prom, but Peter is suddenly feeling nothing but guilt. He tells the whole school that Meg broke his heart by dumping him, and makes it look like high school persona was killed after driving his motorcycle over a cliff.
Let's just pick up our plates
and go eat in the hollow castle.
Peter, may I? You're walking down a hallway.
You take a left. You keep walking.
- But I remember it so...
- It was a dream!
What's going on back here? Oh, hello, Megan.
Wait, you're not part of the popular clique.
Meg, haven't we taught you better than that?
Oh, my God! I can't believe he did that!
Oh, sweetheart, I'm sure all the boys
wanna ask you to the dance.
Uh, I was wonderin' if... if... if you'd, uh,
d-do me the honour of, uh...
to get to the centre
of a Rhode Island state prison?
I mean, if Meg's at risk, then so is Chris, and
Stewie'll be in preschool before we know it.
- The safety word is banana.
- I love you.
I've gone undercover
to get rid of the toad problem,
Hey, does anybody have any drugs?
I'm lookin' to score some drugs.
- Oh, yeah? Watch this.
Holy crap, it's The Breakfast Club.
Everyone's talking about how you
trashed the jukebox. Classic cool.
Of your bladder
It'll mess you up
You gotta give up the toad now
Your whole life will hit the skids
I'm no fool
- God! You're such a wannabe loser.
- Oh, yeah? If I'm such a loser,
- Hey, Meg, wanna ditch and go to the mall?
- Sure! See ya, Lando.
I'm glad you taught those kids
they don't have to do drugs to be popular.
Wait a minute. Peter, you can't
take Meg to a school dance.
that Lando is taking Connie Demico.
Oliver Twit, if you ask me. I would have done
things rather differently, I can tell you that.
Go on! That's it.
- Oh, yeah.
- I want an explanation, mister.
Oh, my God. I think he's right.
I'm two years younger than you!
and I wouldn't recommend either one of 'em.
- Thanks, Spider-Man.
- Everybody gets one.
Now, Meg, you know my feelings on tattoos.
Sorry, pumpkin, we don't negotiate
with kidnappers-family policy.
Don't worry, I'll take good care of your kid.
I got a daughter of my own, you know.
I convinced Meg to go to the dance,
so I'm gonna go drop her off.
Lois, if you still haven't discovered I'm gone,
please flip the tape over to side B.
Nice moves, Lando.
Aired 16 years ago - May 30, 2000
When Brian offers to pick up Stewie from his Grandma and Grandpa's house, they miss their plane back and go on a cross-country journey back home. Meanwhile, Peter and Lois attempt to rekindle their relationship with some marriage videos.
When I think of... of... of...
of the times that that woman has...
- Oh, Peter. I love you.
- About a quarter past five.
Wait here at the gate.
I gotta run a quick errand.
- You know, you're really pretty.
- Oh, stop.
I'm... I'm not drunk.
I just have a speech impediment.
Rupert! I told you to watch the bags!
Oh, my God! All right, let's not dilly-dally.
Oh, that's right.
You have to punch in the numbers nowadays.
Just give it a chance.
I hope you like big breasts
- I wanna see the money.
- You don't see the money till I see the stuff.
That's it, Mr Giraffe, get all the marmalade...
Oh, my head. Oh, God.
What are we doing here?
And, well, it's kinda like a bat. I found it
out back one day when I was raking.
- It doesn't show dirt.
- You did it.
- Put it back. I like that song.
Nice, nice. Except that was
James Spader in White Palace.
- But I'll give him that kiss.
- You suck!
- Stewie and Brian are taking a train home.
- Can we not discuss curtains for a second?
- Peter, why are you so...
- Get out! This is a part just for the men.
You're lucky you're my brother too,
or I'd kill you.
All right. So instead of driving down this
sun-parched highway, we've now got to walk.
- I was the one who could talk.
- Brian! Come on in!
She was a good dog.
you'd have a better life if she let you go.
You'd think those bulldogs would invite
him to their card game.
We're going to add...
- This is hot.
- Turn around.
You shoulda told me...
She was sturdy,
all four legs the same length...
- I know this whole trip has been a mess.
- Well, it hasn't been all bad.
Just like Thelma and Louise
I'm with an intellectual
- Crazy travel conditions.
- First class and no class.
Until we're syndicated,
Fox will never let us die
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 25, 2000
Meg's slumber party is ruined by her family. She is sick of being embarrassed by them and secretly books the family on a talk show. Intrigued by their story, a network executive gets Peter to sign the family up to be on a reality show. Things
quickly go awry, and the Griffins want out of the contract. However, the network owns their namesake, and the family is eventually replaced.
They're giving your cue, Peter.
- But, Dad...
How could you embarrass me?! Nobody
better pull this crap at my slumber party.
Oh, we'd better stop by the hospital
so I can get my cooties shot.
OK, I'd put Brad Pitt's face
on Brendan Fraser's body
- Mom, what are you doing?
- I love slumber parties.
Oh, crap! I'm stuck in the stairs.
- OK, let's go.
- Oh, jeez. I'm sorry, Meg's friends.
Well, then it's a good thing I have this.
You ask me out to the box social or whatever
the devil it is you children do these days.
Oh! Oh! Oh!
I wish there was some way I could make
them understand how embarrassing they are.
Well, actually, I'm not really a woman.
To be honest with you, Diane, I'm surprised.
Well, maybe some of them deserved it.
- The Griffin family.
Yeah, and you even manage
to humiliate me there.
Quiet, quiet, quiet. Shut up. Shut up.
Peter, do you think there might be
any validity to what Meg is feeling?
I look at you and I see a series.
We would like to put cameras in your house
If it makes her look half-human,
it'll take six months off my face.
The waist is still fine, you know...
You can see it's still real stretchy.
And a bad breakfast
is the foundation of indigestion. Hey-oh!
Frankly, I like the yolks.
I don't... I have no problem.
"My God! Wouldn't it be marvellous
if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Wow! Joe, this sort of makes you
like Larry from Three's Company.
There's fresh seafood, good prices.
- Meg, put your bib on.
- I don't wanna wear a bib.
Meg, you're the one that got us
on TV in the first place.
But everyone loves the rest of you. Lois,
women 25 to 49 see you as a role model.
- Oh, sorry I'm late, Mr...
- Sorry. We have to keep this brief.
- Why are we here?
"It spun in. There were no survivors."
We're gonna be late!
Why won't you talk to me?!
Uh, when did he die?
who the hell decided tulips were so great?
but we usually have breakfast naked
and I'm allowed to videotape it.
You're the one with
your hand up my backside.
We don't get many of you
molten-rock men in here.
Me too. She's like that dorky Baldwin brother
who isn't as good-Iooking or successful
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 18, 2000
Peter runs into a former classmate of his while at the amusement park that the classmate founded. Contemplating his own legacy, Peter starts to think about his future. Chris gives Peter a painting that he painted in order to cheer Peter up, but
Peter ends up selling it to a New York art gallery for $5,000. Realizing that Chris might be his only hope to have a lasting legacy, Peter pushes Chris to follow his dream of becoming an artist. The family then moves to New York so Chris can become famous.
This is my rifle, this is my gun
This is for fighting, this is for fun
Perhaps we should just continue the party
at some other type of location.
So we're not goin' just cos some little pissant
tells us to. I demand to see the owner.
I'm Neptune, god of the sea!
I sink ships and conjure up storms!
Can't we just enjoy the rest of your birthday?
Then I got on Suddenly Susan,
and that was, like, really cool.
Don't be depressed, Dad.
Here, I made you a present.
Hup. I got a live one. Peter Griffin.
Son, I'll put it someplace
where everyone can see it.
- I'll give you $5,000. What do you say?
- I say...
Oh, oh, oh! He's only
the biggest art dealer in New York!
Lois, our son has been
blessed with a great gift,
They won't leave a bruise, and they'll let 'em
know who's boss. There's no doubt about it.
Oh, come on! Those were really popular.
They ran all the time.
- There's a hot-dog cart!
- Chris, don't spoil your appetite.
Hey, waiter. The name's Peter Griffin.
Screw the theatre. Mr Monatti invited us to a
cocktail party so Chris can meet some artists.
Please, I invited you so that Chris could
make an impression on the art community.
Ah, the United Nations!
Oh, I wish Chris could see this.
Hm! Hidden missile silos
behind the Great Wall.
- And turn it into the toast of New York!
- Ha, ha, ha! I love toast!
Even though she couldn't straighten out Bill.
Hey, Murph. You can't blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah the Ayatollah.
- Oh, there's Kate Moss.
- Where? I don't see her.
Wow! I can't wait to tell my dad.
Your father is, uh...
How can I say this without upsetting you?
- I mean, uh... I can't see you any more.
- What are you talkin' about? You're my son.
Damn, they musta put it in the wrong baby.
"Dump"? Oh, so now
you're too good for us, too?
I had a dream
No, you pretty much can't do a thing
You'll be known far and wide
But it's really for meee...
You'll love being famous, Meg,
and this is the town to do it in.
- That's amazing!
- Oh, thanks.
- You called me, right?
Oh, and people don't stare.
You make me puke. Bitch.
I don't know. You're the flavour of the month.
Oops! Window open.
- I'm gonna go over there and punch her.
- No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no.
Don't... don't you go to LaGuardia!
- I've never been to the Empire State Building.
- Boy, we're a pair.
Wait a second. I don't see any strippers
passing out free tacos. Lois, you lied to me!
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 11, 2000
When Lois decides to run for the local school board, Peter runs against her in effort to get his favorite teacher reinstated. Peter and his supporters start a negative campaign against Lois, including a bunch of lies and even sexy pictures of her.
Peter's mudslinging works and he is elected. Peter starts some strange policies, including armed robots taking over for hall monitors. The new policies backfire after Chris is caught bringing inappropriate magazines to school. Peter must then think of a way to get Lois back and regain his reputation with the town of Quahog.
l'm gonna drop off some campaign flyers
in the teachers' lounge.
Sorry to fly off the handle.
Here, let me see that.
Chris, your mother wants me and you
to have a talk.
But peeping can be dangerous,
so l brought you this.
All right, Dad!
Honey, of course l can.
Hey, you guys.
Lois, you running for School Board?
We now go Iive to Action News 5
Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa,
...has just dismissed RandaII Fargas,
ending his 32-year teaching career,
Great. You can get Mr. Fargas his job back.
Lois, l can't let you deprive our children
of a fine teacher like Mr. Fargas.
l can be just as non-competitive
...then l am gonna run
like the Six Million Dollar Man.
Look at me with my big ideas
and my pointy nose,
See you on the campaign trail.
Oh, my. Look where my hand is.
Yes, that's it. That's quite good.
Yes, l miss my mommy.
- Check it out!
Peter, l'm concerned that your candidacy
may have become a lost cause.
Tonight she takes on
her greatest chaIIenge, Peter Griffin...
...on Monday Night Debate, y'aII!
She can burn in hell for all l care!
Sure she can.
"Her smiles, her frowns,
her ups, her downs
l've grown accustomed to her looks
your opening statement, pIease,
What might be right for you,
may not be right for some,
That's why, if I'm eIected,
I promise to fight for competent teachers...
As a rich coIIege-bound student, I once
joined some underpriviIeged youths...
I'm gonna take the highroad
and stick to the issues,
Wait a second, bIow dryer,
I'm not done yet,
...what kind of future wiII it be if you eIect
a man who has never taught a student...
Peter! Come on! Stop,
Shut up! You guys shut up!
Lois Griffin is a sIut,
But here's something
everyone can understand!
...just some of the words used to describe
Lois Griffin's prurient pic.
I am so freaking wasted!
Just one! You!
lf you blow this chance to do something
good for our kids...
This is Trisha Takanawa, here
with School Board President Peter Griffin.
"Vagina junction, what's your function?
l've never seen kids
so enthusiastic about reading.
Chris Griffin. He got it from his dad.
...when prices were so low
they were ridiculous.
...is to claim that Lois
gave your boy the pornography.
Aired 16 years ago - Apr 04, 2000
To get a favorite show back on the air, Peter convinces the “Make-a-Dream Come True” foundation that Chris is dying. The scam leads to Peter “magically healing” Chris and some people begin to worship him.
I saw that on a two-part report on
Dateline Tuesday and Dateline Gatilsday.
If Chris gets his homework done,
you can watch it together next week.
- Mom, I'll do it after...
- Chris finished his homework.
Because if you were,
I think you just lied to mom.
If you're waiting for Gumbel 2 Gumbel,
you're out of luck.
I tried that once.
It got me in a lot of trouble.
Look at Mr. Suave.
Use the door next to it.
- My son Chris is dying!
- Holy crap, no! Oh, my God!
This whole thing was your idea!
All he wants is his favorite show
back on TV. How can you say no?
Jeremy, is there anything lower
than absolute zero?
Sounds sexy. What are the symptoms?
Why, that's the sickest boy I've ever seen!
We need to take a chance.
Try something different. Something fresh.
Are you kidding? I may see you again.
I say, Mother, you have your work cut out
for you now, don't you?
I have a certificate to prove it.
She heard that Chris is dying!
Chris was in on the whole thing.
"as they dig your grave"
Junior, where you been?
Why is my name Florida?
Lois, that's ridiculous.
There's nobody out there.
No. Everything's fine.
Thanks for checking. Bye-bye.
Chris is all better! I cured him!
What kind of man devalues
the life of his child for a TV show?
You see what your lies have done?
They think you're some kind of healer.
Those films my cousin Rufus used to do
were pure exploitation.
Oh, you out of time, baby.
We're talking Marty McSuperfly, dig?
Get me Isaac Hayes.
Lois, if you're scared,
I'll hold you until the lights are on again.
Don't you see what's happening?
Come on, there's a logical explanation
for all those things.
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 28, 2000
Forced to go to a women’s retreat for telling sexist jokes at work, Peter resists the idea at first. After two weeks, however, Peter becomes a sensitive male. No one likes the new Peter, especially Lois. While attending a charity dinner, Lois does something that snaps Peter out of his feminine phase.
and you won't not be not loving
your time-share before you know it.
It could even be a boat!
You know how much we want one.
It could even be a boat!
You know how much we want one.
- Joe, look to the right. It's the Griffins.
- We're nautical now, baby.
Why are you upset?
I never even knew you liked boats.
- Could you pass me the oar, N-word Jim.
- Thank you.
I guess I'm just old-fashioned that way.
Maybe you shouldn't do this.
You've never had a lot of luck telling jokes.
Don't worry. I... I got it under control.
Ah! You like a little abuse, huh?
Hey, Lois. What do you call a woman
who takes for ever to cook breakfast?
well, you wouldn't be cooking very fast at all,
now, would you? That one wasn't very good.
- That's great!
- That's a good one. That's what they're for!
So you got something to look at
while you're talking to 'em. Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Oh, is she the one
we video-taped taking a dump?
They are devices built by the Lord
Jesus Christ for our entertainment.
Irrational and emotionally fragile by nature,
female co-workers are a peculiar animal.
And, remember, nothing says "good job"
like a firm, open-palm slap on the behind.
You know, if I wasn't so sure you were
a lesbian, I'd say you were coming on to me.
Mr Hanson, you play the boss
and we'll see what you've learned tonight.
You're a valued member of our business
team and I will give you a raise tomorrow
- Honk, honk.
- OK, that's it!
and get your nice shoes all ruined.
You know I love you,
but I have to admit there are times
This world would be far better
if there were more men like him.
If we can endure the pain of childbirth,
imagine what else we're capable of.
But you are a beautiful person
and I am here for you.
Yeah. Oh, yeah. You like that, don't you?
- Jump! Trust us. We love you!
- We'll catch you.
Chris, be a munchkin
and bring my bags inside.
I can't remember the last time
we cuddled like this.
I just wanted to say hi. So what are you d...?
Peter, I'm sure you would have been
a great mother if you'd had the chance.
- If you spent less time fixing your hair...
- No, Lois. I'm late late!
Fine. But this time if a boy calls,
please don't tell him I'm wrist-deep in poopie.
A lump. A lump! Oh, God! Oh, God!
Well, as you may have noticed,
Peter's been acting a little different lately.
Of course that's why you're here.
That's what this march is all about.
It's your fault we have
so much crime in this country
Aired 16 years ago - Mar 28, 2000
When Lois become the director of the Quahog Players production of “The King and I” Peter wants a part. He finds himself in the Producer’s Chair and starts to make some “artistic changes” to the script that involve scantily-clad women and cyborgs.
I got great ideas, but they look at me,
and all they see is a loser.
I call it "Smith's Theory of Relativity."
And Lois has her theater group.
Part of being creative is figuring out
what you're good at.
"Oh, no not in springtime
Mother, as first lady of the American stage,
Helen Hayes, once said:
Then I tried sculpting.
Wait, Peter, everyone has to audition.
You know, sing, dance.
"Met the greatest earthquake ever known
Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!
- Great, 'cause I could use some.
The King of Siam? Why, that's the lead!
You have too much talent for the stage.
I'm the king of the...
What am I supposed to do
with all my great ideas?
Don't you worry, Lois. I'll get the word out.
You. Get out of here!
...a Peter Griffin production,
and I'm giving you the exclusive story.
But Loretta's playing Anna,
and she's doing a great job.
Today's weather calls for breezy skies
and sun, and there's gonna be a...
They did an all-you-people version
of Hello, Dolly that was very successful.
Besides, I'm the director.
This is Rodgers and Hammerstein,
not trash TV!
Come on, Lois. Those hoop skirts
make Diane look a little hippie, you know?
No! He's not brilliant!
Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant!
I took this job because
I wanted to create something beautiful...
Good morning, Peter.
I made your favorite breakfast.
Look, the fact is the man is out there
every bloody night with fresh material...
Peter, you've never done a creative thing
in your life!
...is exactly what you've turned
my show into.
Remember, Diane, you're playing Anna,
a steel-town girl on a Saturday night...
We've been rehearsing for hours.
- We can't do The King and I without Anna.
- Yeah. This is a real snafu.
I came because I love the theater.
The city lies in ruins
after the ninth nuclear World War.
"Because I kicked all the bad guys
in their jewels
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 21, 2000
When Peter tries to get out of paying a doctors bill by faking his own death, he is visited by Death himself, who wants to take Peter away. After Death twists his ankle while chasing Peter, everyone on Earth becomes immortal while death is incapacitated.
Boy, I had so much fun playing with that.
My nephew drew my portrait.
It doesn't look a thing like me.
Mr. Griffin, I'm saying you're fine.
...all the little things in life,
like you and the kids.
Jeez, Lois. How long you been waiting
to crack out that gem?
I'm Calista Flockhart. Who the
hell do you think I am? I'm Death.
Excuse me. Hello!
I'm Stewie. Big fan.
I don't care what that says!
You can't take my husband!
No, it would be a privilege. Oh, dear.
Listen to me prattling on like a schoolgirl.
Let's just say,
when I was younger...
A 20-minute call to Larchmont?
Who do we know in Larchmont?
Let's not do this. I caught Flo Jo.
You don't think I can catch you?
Here's some Tylenol.
Great. Tylenol. I asked for Advil.
It's okay, Death.
You just worry about feeling better.
I'm going out for a while.
Now that I've been given another chance...
- What the hell?
It's your turn, Death.
What did you use
for this cocoa, crap?
Victory is mine!
Yeah. But don't tell anyone.
The consequences could be dire!
Aren't you Richard Simmons' best friend,
Actually, kid, I kind of fell into this gig.
I really wanted to be a wood nymph.
He reminds me a lot of me at that age.
I'm gonna be a virgin forever.
Our own Asian reporter, Trisha Takanawa,
filed this report, all by herself!
This is all your fault.
And there's only one solution.
Death, there is no way
Peter can do your job.
But thanks for letting me draw you naked.
But you're thinking. I like that.
Your Q-rating's through the roof.
Are those kids on board?
Pilot error. Big mess. Everybody dies.
If you look out the window,
you'll see the San Fernando Valley...
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 14, 2000
When Spooner Street ends up winning the float contest in the Harvest Day parade, a street-wide war breaks out over custody of the trophy. Meanwhile, to raise big money for a new Prada handbag, Meg gets a job at a pancake house, where she pretends
that Stewie is her illegitimate crack addicted baby. Child services investigates and soon finds the Griffin home unsuitable for a baby, and take Stewie to a foster home. The residents of Spooner Street declare peace, and decide to rescue Stewie.
You're the boss because you never
give up, like with the ladies.
Like when we play pool,
you take so long to line up your shots...
Go, Spooner Street!
You know what's really amazing?
Mother teaches piano.
I suppose I could as well.
Are you as excited as I am, Tom?
That's not Angela.
That's Mona, Angela's mom.
He said I, too, was the boss.
And it's time Cleveland got his due.
No. Wait a minute, this is crazy.
Yes! These are delectable.
Clear the way! I'm a cop!
- Maybe it fell.
- Yeah. Right into someone's pocket.
...last Fourth of July.
That's against the law, Officer!
Where are you going, Serling?
Want some of this?
- We played Pictionary with them!
To be honest, Peter, we were all
a little surprised you invited us over.
Oh, my God! We were robbed!
The real challenge is having a baby
that's addicted to crack.
Daddy, we got one!
A bunch of card-carrying Commies
if you ask me!
Probably out scoring more rock.
Honey, would you like some pancakes?
She said we fed him dog food!
She's 16, Peter.
This is where babies come from.
I never was any good
at dealing with the authorities.
You people understand every language
Stewie, come complete our rainbow!
We didn't know who she was!
It's not our fault!
- Now we have a real problem to deal with.
- That's right!
He must still be working the junk
out of his system.
Or perhaps she can learn
after her people invade your country.
So now you all understand, yes?
You all hate each other?
Aired 17 years ago - Mar 07, 2000
Lois suspects Stewie is the one creating all the pee stains around the house, so she decides to potty-train him. When an incident in the supermarket reveals that Brian is the one responsible, he goes to see a therapist. Brian finds out that his love of Lois is causing his accidents, so he decides to confront her.
Please, for your family, take it off.
How dare you sully my good name
by spreading slanderous filth!
- Not the...
- Outrages, yeah. I think we got it.
- Brian, is that you?
- Uh, yeah, it's me.
Join us tomorrow for more "Price is Right".
It looks like someone
already tried to clean it up.
- Huh. See, we're Catholic, so...
- Then you want You're a Naughty Child
They are. I'm washing them
with some fabric softener.
I was so proud.
Maybe you don't have to pee. I oughta just
give you some beer. Goes right through you.
Peter, I don't care what the other men
are getting. You're only getting one.
I say, I say! Paco, grab a mop. Will
somebody get Patches the hell out of here
OK, look, so maybe this isn't where
I thought I was gonna be at seven years old.
Man, didn't see that coming.
Oh. What about him?
He's gotta be in his fifties.
Would that be OK?
Ten years married and still in love.
What's their secret?
Like most other people, I used to think
therapy was only for crazies and nut jobs.
Whoa, hang on. I gave you
one of the ones with silverware in it.
Well, goodbye, Dr Kaplan. And thank you.
I swear, I don't even remember doing it.
I don't understand this.
Oh, oh, and how embarrassed was I
when the word "crate" came up!
Enough, Batman. I don't...
Oh, I'm using my special cat power
to get Batman all wet.
- All that running water. That's gotta be it!
- Come on, she's my best friend's wife.
So what the hell, Brian? You cured yet?
And to this day I still lay awake at night
wondering about the soup that got away.
- Hey, you, the news is on.
- Where is everybody?
And now Part 3 of Asian correspondent
Tricia Takanawa's special report on sex.
and he's in the bathroom right now,
possibly doing drugs.
- Your tail keeps hitting me.
- If it's bothering you, I can stop.
- You shut up.
- You love her.
I was, like, "I'll go to the mall."
Then Amber wasn't gonna go.
and the uncommon, sometimes haunting,
glow of sensuality that surrounds you.
Well, let me give my big boy a kiss.
Aired 17 years ago - Dec 26, 1999
Peter, who is concerned that the world is about to end becase of Y2K, convinces the family into canceling all their New Year's Eve plans. After bombs destroy everything, the Griffins set off to a Twinkie factory in Natick.
- Annihilating the entire planet.
a balloon tied to a mailbox is the
international symbol for "party over here!"
There's a benefit gala
at the Boston Pops tonight, and...
Peter, you've been down there all day.
I hope they're already...
OK, OK. You know that one Christmas
present you really wanted, but didn't get?
- And I could be getting felt up by Kevin.
- Now don't you give it all away up front.
Quahog's fabled alabaster clam is about
to descend and usher in a new millennium.
Actually, each light represents
a missile launching by itself.
- Can we please just drop it?
- It's just not fair.
Quagland? Oh, you must be dreamin'.
Well, we just finished off
what was left in the kitchen.
Thank goodness Peter bought a huge supply
of dehydrated meals before the blast.
Well, so much for finding food
at the Stop 'N Shop.
Delicious, Tom. I guess
we should be eating her with chopsticks.
Lois, it'll just be another mouth to feed.
I'll take care of Woody, son.
- Yeah, I saw a story about 'em on A&E.
We gotta get to that factory
and we'll have all the food we need.
I am Jorad. I and my band
of highway warriors control this territory.
Well, howdy, strangers.
You look plumb tuckered.
She's right. Besides, this place is paradise.
She's gonna breathe on it first
Takes a long, hard look at Randy
Who knows what animals have been in there?
Should've sent a poet.
and we can build a community
just like the one we had.
- Guess who?
- Stop it, Chris.
Excuse me, Mr Mayor. We have an outsider
who wishes to join our community.
Ah, village idiot. That's a good one.
it looked like Audrey Hepburn
not only didn't have breakfast at Tiffany's,
- Guys, we need to make some guns.
- Guns? Guns only lead to trouble.
Honey, Mommy's making you
some new feetie pyjamas.
I'll have your father flood the basement,
so you can get more exercise.
Attention, New Quahogians.
We don't need guns. We need food and water.
Don't be stupid.
She speak good and everything.
Aired 17 years ago - Sep 30, 1999
Peter's very religious father comes to live with the family after he is forced to retire from his lifelong job at the Mill.
Bless her heart. She's on another one
of her prayer missions in Las Vegas.
I'm in the car.
Maybe you'll just go to purgatory
with all the unbaptized babies.
"...where their flesh burned in agony
forever and ever."
A pestilence here and a plague there.
Open this door! Open it, I say!
God's watching me do number two?
Grandpa, we were just holding hands.
...and God kills her for parading her bum
around in those pants!
Why does that man drop his club
before he runs around?
I'll get him.
He just left without saying anything?
Where would he go?
The Rhode Island Cock Society
is sponsoring free check-ups...
It seems he broke into the old mill
I, for one, am a tumbler.
Here, watch my round-off.
...but it doesn't seem like your dad
is interested in bonding with you.
That's my boy. At least,
that's what your mama always told me.
Cut it out. I'm serious.
...and stick a tiny pack of smokes
in his torn denim jacket.
Oh, yeah. But he's in great shape.
Except his prostate.
Because this man always put his job
before everything else.
Peter, this is truly a miracle.
I'm so grateful.
Lions eating Christians,
people nailing each other to two-by-fours.
A chapel? Where will you all eat lunch?
Your dad stinks.
Now wait a minute. I may not be perfect.
Something's wrong with
your shower. The water's not cold enough.
How can you just sit there
and let him talk like that?
I killed a hooker. She made a crack about
me being faster than a speeding bullet...
...a loving father, and,
for some reason I'll never understand...
Hey, did you ever notice this?
On page 375, it says "Jebus."
...with a family crisis
only His Holiness can resolve.
Wave at the Pope there, Luke.
Come on. What about the time
I was on that airplane?
Peter, you've raised a fine family.
And Chris, what you do in the bathroom
is between you and God.
I meant you should talk to your father.
...and it turned out to be his son?
I think this is gonna top it.
His zest for life is an affirmation
of God's great love within us all.
Aired 17 years ago - Sep 23, 1999
Lois' Aunt dies and leaves her the Cherrywood Mansion. The family moves in to the new mansion in Newport only to lose their fortune after Peter makes an extravagant purchase at a charity auction.
Before she passed,
your aunt recorded a message for you.
Lois, you were always
my favorite niece.
That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite.
"We'll do the best we can with Meg"
"My God, this house is freakin' sweet
"we'll gladly be your bitch
Peter, how could you sell our house
in Quahog without even asking me?
But I love our old house.
You have to buy it back.
Please, Mom. Look, there's a pool.
Across the hall from the library
we have the billiard room.
All right, Mom!
So the guy takes the dog into the vet.
I got a million of them.
Lois' friend "yacht boy" and
his lovely wife "Caca" invited us to some...
It's a pleasure to see you again.
To tell you the truth, we're all
a little uncomfortable being waited on.
Filled with beautiful people.
And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.
I beg to differ.
Okay, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't
have to resort to shock therapy...
...you sit around the magnificently
appointed Tuscan villa.
And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!
Maybe he's fitting in so well, we can't
tell him from the other bluebloods.
Peter, you're simply enchanting.
So, I guess, technically,
that makes you available.
What a marvelous vessel.
To Mr. Peter Griffin
for an astonishing $100 million!
Do you collect objets d'art?
Of course I do, my dear.
I'm going home. Where's Brian?
No, you shut up. You're the one talking.
Now I remember why I left Newport!
Asia's market has nowhere to go but up!
You're not a Newport millionaire.
I created you.
A Mr. Brandywine from
the Historical Society is at the front gate.
Good game, Mean Joe.
You want some of my Coke?
I could give him the house and call it even.
Yeah. He's Jesus. He can do anything.
And look over here.
I happen to know that nothing of
historical significance ever occurred here.