Sick, twisted, politically incorrect and Freakin' Sweet animated series featuring the adventures of the dysfunctional Griffin family. Bumbling Peter and long-suffering Lois have three kids. Stewie (a brilliant but sadistic baby bent on killing his mother and taking over the world), Meg (the oldest, and is the most unpopular girl in town) and Chris (the middle kid, he's not very bright but has a passion for movies). The final member of the family is Brian - a talking dog and much more than a pet, he keeps Stewie in check whilst sipping Martinis and sorting through his own life issues.
Aired 18 years ago - May 16, 1999
When a heat wave hits Quahog, Peter gets Brian to enter a dog show to win $500 so that the family can get a new air conditioner. When they argue over a trick gone bad, Brian walks out on the family and Peter replaces him with a cat. Brian struggles
to assert his civil rights and soon ends up at the pound. Luckily, Peter is able to bail him out by bribing the judge.
Yeah? You're hogging up all the ugly!
And maybe a trick or two.
It'll be like taking candy from a baby.
For $800, this chemical dye is found
in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
You gotta take Brian's feelings
...almost as hot as the weather,
which is once again in the triple digits.
- Something to relax you before you go on?
- Peter, are you offering Brian drugs?
Lady, for God's sake, I'm just
a hard-shelled chocolate candy! Get help!
We're off to a good start.
Come on, Brian. We had a deal.
Let's just have a nice family car ride
like we always do.
I would really feel better
if I got your information.
PETER: Is that what you want?
Because I'll stop.
I'm gonna have to ask you to lie down
on the sidewalk. Down!
He's the law outside this house
just like I'm the law inside this house.
"...the weather in New England,
go back where you came from."
Peter, Brian, stop this.
- Not after the things I've seen.
- What did you see? Was it breasts?
Out of this world.
Now why don't you go tie yourself
up to that parking meter?
Have you ever felt like you're dirty?
You heard him.
He doesn't want to be a part of this family.
We'll get a lovable kitty-cat
and everybody will feel a lot better.
Yeah, you got 50 Puerto Ricans
in the kitchen!
I'm sorry. Enjoy your dinner.
Sorry, pooch. You gotta sleep outside.
No dogs allowed in the bus station.
Peter, why don't you
just admit you miss Brian?
Why don't you make something
of your life, like this dog?
BRIAN: All right, who wants to be next?
He's cute. Aren't you precious?
Lethal injection. Next!
"Enclosed is a rubber band, a paper clip,
and a drinking straw.
Don't get too close.
They say I'm dangerous.
BRIAN: You're kidding! If I prepare
my case, I might have a chance after all.
Aired 18 years ago - May 09, 1999
Chris loses interest in being a youth scout, as he would rather pursue drawing and art instead. The Scout Master then kicks Chris out of the scouts. Peter then takes the family to the Big Apple to try to get Chris reinstated back into the scouts.
After Peter takes a wrong turn on the way, the family ends up at a Native American casino. Lois then gets obsessed with the slot machines while Peter goes on a vision quest to prove that he has Native American blood in him.
And you know what that means?
That means l love you.
l was kinda hoping you could tell Dad.
But try and open with a joke.
Nothing about this adds up at all!
But Pops, l must race! Ha-ha!
Please God, l don't ask you for much.
Three days! That's tomorrow!
We gotta get going!
Dad, maybe we should just give up.
l mean, we tried everything.
Patty, did you know that your mother
is a whore?
And a Griffin never knows when to stop.
Ha-ha! Did you hear?
The Griffins are going to New York!
Strapping you in, honey,
so you don't get hurt.
Will you be okay by yourself?.
-ls it a musical?
Damn it, JuIie. I'm a singIe mother
doing the best damn job she knows how!
And by ''reproductive organ, ''
I mean the thing between your knees.
-Because l'm a man.
Although you were right
about that prune smoothie.
l'm gonna ask someone for directions.
Meg, watch Stewie.
...after you raped our land
and defiled our women.
And you just feel so good inside.
l could swear l parked here.
These people took $24
for the island of Manhattan.
...and get Chris back into the Scouts.
[TV audience laughing]
-What did you just say?
LENNY AND LOlS: Excuse me?
l mean, Chief Grand Cherokee.
He was a rainmaker.
l have to confer with the council
of the elders. You wait here.
He could just be another moocher.
Of course l do. l'm an lndian.
But why don't you explain it to my wife?
He must hear the wisdom
of the rocks and trees.
LOlS: Peter, please don't do this.
We can buy another car.
You must begin your journey now.
Now get the hell out of here, you nut,
and go have yourself a spiritual vision.
You have no idea, do you?
And Griffin, right now, your son needs
you to listen to him. Whoa!
Dad? Can l talk to you?
Son, why don't you
just stick a knife in my heart?
Aired 18 years ago - May 02, 1999
When the Griffin Family gets new neighbors that move in next door, Lois quickly becomes friends with Bonnie, Meg soon becomes attracted to their son, Kevin, and Peter becomes annoyed by the entire situation. After Peter injures the best player on
his company's baseball team, Mr. Weed forces him to find a replacement, so Peter quickly changes his mind about his neighbors and invites Joe to play. When Joe shows up at the game, Peter learns that he is in a wheelchair. Joe ends up being the star of the game, which makes Peter jealous, as he wants to be a hero too. Peter ends up trying to stop a bank robbery to prove his value, but ends up getting caught up in the whole situation.
I don't know what's more questionable,
your pitching arm or Bill Clinton's integrity.
And I can't say no to Joe. Ever.
I must escape this infernal babble!
You will bow to me.
PETER: I'm as good as fired.
What? Look, all I'm saying is
put an Israeli guy next to an Arab guy...
Man, you neighbors are like viruses.
Starts with a screwdriver.
But he wishes to know
what compensation you offer.
Bonnie told me Joe is a big baseball fan.
He played in college.
I'm so sorry.
I don't want to impose.
Okay, Joe, you got me.
Rise and shine. Come on.
MR. WEED: Hurry! Joe!
All right! Yes, vamos!
Eat up, everyone. Tonight my wife won't
be the only one enjoying a pig in a blanket.
I'll show you who's the life of the party.
Hey, I just suggested a line
of handi-capable toys, you know...
Jeez, first he takes my friends.
Then he takes my job.
About 10 years ago I was investigating
a robbery at an orphanage.
All right, pal!
You've stolen your last Christmas.
...I shall take the information
from you by force!
When did it become okay
to be handicapped?
Well, look who finally came home.
It's not too hard to see why. He's a hero.
He makes the world a better place.
You're right. I'll never be that kind of hero.
DISPATCH: All units! A major robbery
is in progress at Quahog Bank and Trust.
PETER: Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!
This was her first robbery
and she was very brave.
Yes. It's going very well.
I saw some cute dresses down the street.
[Wonder Woman sighs]
...and run like hell.
All right. Begin. Hello, married couple.
I see you found a puppy.
COP: All right, stand back!
CHRIS: Cool! The bank is getting jacked!
...because a deaf man stole my job
at the phone company.
Not him again. I hope this place
isn't wheelchair accessible.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 25, 1999
At Chris' soccer game, Peter gets into a fight with a woman, that he thought was a man, and punches her in the face. After being placed under house arrest, Peter becomes restless and ends up turning the basement into a full bar. Lois begins
singing each night and becomes the main attraction. Meanwhile, Stewie creates a time machine in order to avoid teething pain, but ends up taking back much more than that.
Jeez. I'm sorry, honey.
I'd help you clean it up.
You're right. It's better if I do it.
All right, I'll do that, too!
Can you at least take Chris to his game?
All right! You know I spoil you.
PETER: Boo, Lois! Yay, beer!
Enough! The only thing worse
than the wretched pain...
Get Moby Dick off the field
before he burps up a license plate!
Call an ambulance. She's going into labor.
There's my little house husband.
[Comedic instrumental music]
Lois loves her family. Lois loves her family.
I wonder what the guys are up to?
...and stock it with plenty
of frosty Pawtucket Patriots...
[Cheerful instrumental music]
I must've lost track of the time.
What's the difference
between pornography and art?
And I'm through taking care of you
and your bar buddies!
One can only imagine what foul regions
that finger has erstwhile probed!
Thank you. Thank you very much.
...from the quantum theory
of molecular propulsion.
Hello, Mother. Care to partake in one...
Peter, in the 17 years
that we've been married...
I wanted you to play it.
"And if I try, I still
"If there is some other way
to prove that I love you
Yes, my gums are sore! Enough of this!
Tonight? Honey, I don't think
anyone's gonna come back tonight.
Let me finish the story, fellas.
You don't want to be up all night.
And that's ogle your wife.
Peter, I'm holding hooters.
I just wanted to keep my bar.
Listen, I don't want any more trouble.
"Don't bring around a cloud
to rain on my parade"
Stewie drew a picture for his mommy.
A time machine. Sure.
Here's where the flux capacitor goes.
What's going on here?
...the music's flowing through me,
I feel, I don't know, special.
I bet he also didn't tell you he never
helps me around the house.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 18, 1999
Peter Allows Meg to go to a party with her new friend. This angers Lois because its the same day as Stewie's birthday. What Meg doesn't know is that she's actually attending a cult meeting. Peter comes to pick up Meg, when the Cult Leader follows. Stewie believes him to be the "Man in White", trying to return him to the womb.
I'm telling you, just be the girl
you think everyone else wants you to be.
Holy crap! It's The Children of the Corn!
"It seems the domestic overseers
are plotting against me.
"...I developed at testicular boot camp.
But it was a trap!
"It seemed my prison cell
was getting smaller and smaller.
And now, one year hence,
he's returning to rectify his mistake and...
CHRIS: Hey, Dad, they even got games
in the bathroom. Look, I won a balloon!
Them boys rassled for a full five minutes
before the manager stepped in.
Now I don't know,
after the emotional trauma I've endured...
STEWIE: Here we are. "Come to Managua,
the Mecca of mercenaries."
- How could you?
- Lois, I got a very good reason.
The children get to play our games.
...but I love my family too much
to risk their lives.
You are the Spalding Gray of crap.
...right here in the safety and comfort
of our own home.
- You don't have any of those things.
- How do you know?
- God help you if I find pickles.
- Henry, I have a lost little boy.
Meg, you made a friend.
Forever and ever.
I can't believe you'd put your family
before your own daughter!
Yeah. I can do, like, a handstand,
and some somersaults maybe.
Stewart Gilligan Griffin runs from nothing!
As for you, kind sage, I only hope
my heartfelt thanks will keep you warm...
I won't fall for this trick.
Did you ask your mother?
Face it, Brian. I'm a bad father,
a lousy husband, and a snappy dresser.
[Oriental instrumental music]
Peter. How could you let her go?
Today means nothing if Meg isn't here.
Then what is it?
I gotta make things right for Lois
and get this monkey off my back.
Sadly, you will be used as decoys.
Our leader is here
to take us on our journey!
Okay. Are you a confused adolescent
desperately seeking acceptance...
Right. Dispense the refreshments.
Your mom will, trust me.
She remembers everything.
Daddy, you must think
I'm the worst daughter ever.
Aired 18 years ago - Apr 11, 1999
While teaching Meg to drive, Peter crashes into the town satellite dish, which knocks out the city's cable. He promises Meg that if she takes the blame, he'll get her a car. Without TV, peter goes crazy, which drives the family insane. Meanwhile,
after refusing to eat the broccoli that Lois gives him, Stewie attempts to build a weather control device that would destroy all vegetables.
Aired 18 years ago - Jan 31, 1999
After Peter heavily drinks at a bachelor party, even though he told Lois he would not, he gets fired from his job at the Happy-go-Lucky toy factory for being hung over. Peter soon applies for welfare, but after a mix-up, gets sent a check for
$150,000. Eventually, Lois finds out, and Peter decides to return the money by dumping it from a blimp at the Super Bowl. He is arrested as a result, and his family ends up coming to his rescue.
Butter Rum's my favorite.
I have AIDS.
Man. Your clock won't flush.
RICK: But soon, and for the rest of your life.
- Boys, we're gonna drink till she's hot.
- That's just crazy enough to work.
Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.
I could've broken my neck.
How are you coming, Johnson?
Peter, I like you. But I need you to be
more than just eye candy around here.
And now back to Action News 5.
Our top story tonight, "When Toys Attack."
Boy! A Pound Poochie!
- Way to go, Dad! Fight the machine!
- How do you know about the machine?
If she finds out I got fired for drinking,
she's gonna blame me!
"Stop doing that. I'm asleep."
So I'm just gonna tell a little lie, okay?
All right, then let's eat.
It sucks, Brian. I've already
been through two jobs this week.
EMCEE: And the prize goes
to The von Trapp Family Singers!
[Suspenseful instrumental music]
You're spending money on food again?
- You're getting kind of fat.
- Sorry, man. Am I late? What did I miss?
- Thank God you're here. What do I do?
Not tightly enough it would seem.
And now you contemptible harpy...
I told her she was fat.
Okay, do you have any disabilities,
past injuries, physical anomalies?
Come on, help me scatter car parts
on the front lawn.
No dessert for you, young man.
The penis broke off
while I was loading it into the car.
...just for keeping their big mouths shut.
Come on, guys.
You know how I always said
you should be treated like a queen?
I can finally afford to give my little girl
the lips she's always dreamed of.
I know it's silly...
We got money to get that fixed...
Who thought fraud
would be one of her buttons?
ANNOUNCER: The air is electric here
at Super Bowl XXXIII tonight!
Amazing. You can barely drive a car.
Yet you were allowed to fly a blimp?
I'm being told it's a man and his dog
throwing cash out of a blimp.
Just once. The 1975 Cotton Bowl.
This is the old "trying to make amends...
Boy. I really let Lois down this time.
...of telling you you shouldn't
cover for your father's lie.
You never know what you're going to get.
I gave the money back.
Why are you still steamed?
And everybody learns a valuable lesson.
And worst of all, I lied to my wife.